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This f**king situation


Rage

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I find myself vacillating between wanting to punch someone in the face and feeling like a lost child. I'm not going to explain the complicated dynamics of my relationship with my mother, as they are already posted on this board. I find myself unable to cope, as well as hating everything about my life at this point. There is a complete inability to socially interact with numerous friends, and I just want to die. No, I wouldn't commit suicide because it is selfish, but I would love to die in my sleep. I just hate everything, and yes, I do see a therapist. Please don't recommend one to me. I don't want advice. I just want to know if anyone has experienced this type of torture, and maybe hear your story of complicated grief.

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I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Although I do not have the exact same experience, my father was an alcoholic and was forced to give up drinking in order to start chemo right before he died, and he had a drink and we had a fight about 2 days before he died (I was the only one taking care of him). And if there is anything I could do to go back and not yell at him or argue with him I would because looking back he was never going to get better. But I didn't know that then, and we still didn't have his final diagnosis. There were times our relationship was good, and there were times when it was not. But he was still my dad and he loved me. I doubt this is helpful, but wishing you some peace in the near future. I can understand your feeling of being a lost child. I feel very lost...

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I am so sorry to hear about your struggles. Although I do not have the exact same experience, my father was an alcoholic and was forced to give up drinking in order to start chemo right before he died, and he had a drink and we had a fight about 2 days before he died (I was the only one taking care of him). And if there is anything I could do to go back and not yell at him or argue with him I would because looking back he was never going to get better. But I didn't know that then, and we still didn't have his final diagnosis. There were times our relationship was good, and there were times when it was not. But he was still my dad and he loved me. I doubt this is helpful, but wishing you some peace in the near future. I can understand your feeling of being a lost child. I feel very lost...

Thanks for the honest reply. It was helpful because many people who lost loved ones tend to only remember the good things, and push the bad out of their heads/hearts. It's not as common to hear about the complex relationships, and I suppose that's because it's easier to cope when the bad stuff is pushed into the subconscious. Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss. Thanks for the sharing of your experience.

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I so feel you on this one. My mom and I was in the same boat. As a child she left me with a step-grandfather who had been in prison for molesting his own daughter and yes it also happened to me. I ask her why in the world she would leave her children with someone like that and her reply was she didnt not believe it. OK I'm here to tell you it was the truth. I shared my journal with her and all the had to say was she felt no quilt for the things that had happened to me. Yet I still Love and cared for her. Go Figure! But I to at time wonder what the crap I am sticking around for?

Sorry for your loss.

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RaGe

I hope things have gotten better for you after your post a year ago and most recent. I feel the same way, losing my dad who was an alcoholic, who wasn't a great father growing up but did his best the last 15-20 years. Nothing seems great, I have rage within for so many reasons, why me I say, what did I do to deserve this quality of life. When is it going to turn but I can't expect someone else to bring happiness to me but for me to get out and do stuff. Take up a hobbie, getting out and enjoy enjoy learning. I hope you will do bettersoon. Just remember you can change the future but you can't change the past. What can you do differently to bring different results. All we can do is see through the pain, look for the light, fill your darkness with something that feels a little better and watch it grow

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RaGe

I hope things have gotten better for you after your post a year ago and most recent. I feel the same way, losing my dad who was an alcoholic, who wasn't a great father growing up but did his best the last 15-20 years. Nothing seems great, I have rage within for so many reasons, why me I say, what did I do to deserve this quality of life. When is it going to turn but I can't expect someone else to bring happiness to me but for me to get out and do stuff. Take up a hobbie, getting out and enjoy enjoy learning. I hope you will do bettersoon. Just remember you can change the future but you can't change the past. What can you do differently to bring different results. All we can do is see through the pain, look for the light, fill your darkness with something that feels a little better and watch it grow

It's a terrible thing to go through, losing an addict. I feel a little improved these days, but there will always be scars in my psyche. The guilt-ridden, shitty moments still come on, sometimes out of nowhere, but they have decreased. I can't be left alone, or I fixate on all the unresolved stuff, and I feel like an adult who needs babysitting because I require constant company. I used to enjoy my alone time, and am hoping I will again. How are you coping?

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I lost my mom 5 months ago. I was her only son and I was very emotionally connected to her. I suffer a lot. I did not have so complicated relationship with my mom, as you, but there are many unsolved issues. There are no perfect relations among people. No matter of the level your relation with someone is harmonized, you will always have some ambiguous matters. And you will never have enough time to solve all relationship problems. We always need some extra more time and, as a rule, that extra time is stolen by death.

My mom was not drug or alcohol abuser, but she emotionally attached me too much to her. And emotional consequences I feel now after she passed away.

Take care, Rage, and I hope that this kind of communication will help us all. That is the reason for my logging in this site, although my native language is not English and it is not always easy to express some abstract thoughts in the foreign language.

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I am new here and I am a little bit confused, but I want to add that this post bellow I have written. After my registration I have changed my nickname (Dacha) into my real name (Damir), because many foreigners think that I am a female because my nickname finishes in "a". However, I will write under this nickname in the future.

I lost my mom 5 months ago. I was her only son and I was very emotionally connected to her. I suffer a lot. I did not have so complicated relationship with my mom, as you, but there are many unsolved issues. There are no perfect relations among people. No matter of the level your relation with someone is harmonized, you will always have some ambiguous matters. And you will never have enough time to solve all relationship problems. We always need some extra more time and, as a rule, that extra time is stolen by death.

My mom was not drug or alcohol abuser, but she emotionally attached me too much to her. And emotional consequences I feel now after she passed away.

Take care, Rage, and I hope that this kind of communication will help us all. That is the reason for my logging in this site, although my native language is not English and it is not always easy to express some abstract thoughts in the foreign language.

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sandsurfgirl

Complicated grieving... YES! My dad died a few weeks ago and wow is it complicated. I've had emotions that I literally have no words for. You think that all emotions have words, but this- this jumbled mixed up puddle that gets all tight and caught up in my chest, there's not word for that.

My dad was one of the most righteous men I have ever known and yet in a few instances, in some key relationships he was one of the most hypocritical. He and I worked out our relationship well over 20 years ago, but he did some things with my siblings that I'm just furious with him for. He and my little brother were not speaking and when he knew he was dying he could have fixed it, could have reconciled but in his stubbornness and pride and self righteousness he refused to do it. He withheld forgiveness for my brother when he knew he was dying. .Check mate. You win dad. You destroyed your opponent. But if you did something my dad didn't approve of, like end your unhappy marriage like my brother did and move on to a new relationship, there was no fixing it. He was stubborn as a mule and black and white as a newspaper. Divorce was wrong in his eyes. Period. End of discussion. That was worth destroying his relationship with his son.

There are other things of course that I'm angry about. I know that one could say that it's my brother's issue and not mine, but years ago I was the one who was disapproved of. I was in my little brother's shoes and had to compromise and find a way to win back my father's conditional love. Conditional love for your children is wrong. A parent should love their child unconditionally. Okay, if your kid kills somebody or does something horrific you can shun them, but barring evil acts you don't shun your children. Yet every one of us was shunned at some point or other in our lives. Oh yeah, did I mention that divorce was okay for him when he divorced my mom and remarried my stepmom? But it wasn't okay for my brother.

Usually at a funeral everybody plays nice and nobody says anything negative, but not this funeral. "I always thought he hated me," was one of the things that was said. "He was so hard on me," was another. Not by me. By others. I played nice. And I really had no reason not to because he and I had a very good relationshp for a really long time. I lived my life in such a way that he deemed approval worthy and I never challenged him. I chose a long time ago to accept him on his terms and only play by his rules. It was easier that way and the only way to have a relationship with him. But that cost me with my sister. He abandoned her, left her to my mom who wasn't a good mother at all, and just didn't bother to have any relationship with her at all. I'm more like him religiously, politically. We had the same views and opinions. My sister is polar opposite, so he just shunned her. As a little kid he shunned her because he couldn't be bothered and he shunned her as an adult and justified it based on politics and religion. So of course my sister is angry at me for having a good relationship with him.

Complicated grieving is the exact term I've been using and to see it written here was sort of a breath of fresh air. Yes it is complicated. One day I'm in a rage at him, telling him off as I cook my breakfast. The next day I'm sobbing and so sad missing my dad and the good parts of him.

The thing is Rage.. and I really think you ought to change that name because it's a self fulfilling prophecy... we do have to go on. But I refuse to just "go on." This is my life damnit. A lot of screwed up **** has happened to me, but in the end my life is what I make of it. I read this great passage about an art contest where you had to draw peace. Everyone drew flowers, the beach, etc. The winner of the contest drew a raging storm, lightning, thunder, red streaks all over the painting, a huge black mountain covered in rain. But in a small little cave was a mother dove with her wings outstretched over her babies. Peace in the midst of the storm is true and lasting peace.

I hope and pray that you find peace in the midst of the storm and calm the storm in your mind.

You asked how someone is coping. If you look at the thread I just started, about too much loss you can see the hell I've been through in the past 3 years.The way I have coped is a few things. I have a great faith in God and I pray all the time, at least twice a day. I connect with people I know who will be supportive and I seek out connection with others. I have a minister who comes from church to pray with me regularly too. I requested help and they sent someone. I also meditate. I do Qi Gong, a moving form of meditation. There are tons of free videos on Youtube for routines and exercises. Fun With Qi Gong is a great website with videos too. I also do regular sit down quiet meditation. There is a site called excelatlife.com that has free meditation audios. Quieting your mind and harnessing the power of your mind and your vital energy is key to coping. Lately since my dad died a few weeks ago I haven't been in control of my mind. I've been spinning and letting it run like crazy and it affects my sleep and everything else. There is an excellent book about depression called Unstuck. That's another resource that has been really helpful. I hope that any of these suggestions can be helpful for you.

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