DOUBTS AND CONFUSION

[BREYER18]

I am not new here, however I have never posted anything until now after 6 months after my fiancé passed away. I will be brief on what took her life. she was involved in a serious vehicle accident, was in the hospital for several weeks, returned home and 6 days later died from a pulmonary embolism at the young age of 29 years old. Just so happens it was right word the start of the Covid Pandemic which kept me from attending the funeral because of where I live. We had an amazing relationship, she always put me 100 percent before everything. I never had any type of doubts while we were together of any kind. However, upon visiting her family they gave me some of her things that i had wanted. One of those things was her cell phone. I always knew her password because it was a combination of hers, her son, and my birthdays. The phone was never guarded, she left it laying everywhere, never took it with her to any private locations for use. While going through the phone I happened to notice some conversations with other men, however nothing sexual in nature. I was always under the assumption that she never talked with any other men because she always said she had no reason to. I was always aware that she had more men friends instead of women because she never trusted women with her man. It was a long distance relationship but i had surprised her numerous times to visit her and never saw anything out of the ordinary. She was always home or at her families house. When I called on face time or wrote any kind of messages there was always a quick response, never a dissappearing act. When ever I returned she always had some kind of welcoming surprise for me, and always made sure i was taken care of. For example,I had went to see her a few days after the accident had happened and she was in intensive care. When she saw me, the look on her face was undeniable how much she loved me. She later spoke to her sister and best friend and said I knew he cared for me but now I know that he truly loves me and also later said to me, she never thought that I loved her as much as she loved me.Her mother later told me that while she is laying in the intensive care unit she is telling her mother to make sure that she cooks for me and takes care of anything I need while I am there. I can't get the feeling out of my head that there however is a possibility that she was unfaithful to me. All of my friends that know her and my relationship say i am crazy. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever went through, This pain I am experiencing is unexplainable as I am sure most of you here know or you would not be reading this. I still cry almost every day, I miss her so much, she was my everything. I always called her my baby girl. I just can't get the thought that possible she had someone else out of my head and it is adding to my grief.

[Gail 8588]

Breyer18,

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't know how to help you with your feelings of suspicion and jealousy. All I can say is grief affects the griever's thought processes a lot. The denial of the loss is a very common response even though we all know that factually he or she is not going to come back through the door.  Suspicion may be another mind game your subconscious plays.  Possibly it is even an attempt to reduce the impact of the loss.  "This loss is not life shattering - she may have not loved you as you loved her."  I'm not saying that's true, I am saying your mind may be creating that feeling as a self preservation mechanism. To have the loss be not as devastating. 

I am not a psychologist or anything.  I just know grievers' thinking is impaired.

In your heart you know she loved you.  Her death is so unfair.  

Hugs

Gail

[Jttalways]

I am sorry for your loss. If you didn't find anything sexual or romantic in nature, then I would say she didn't cheat on you. I had several friendships with men during my marriage and even now that are strictly platonic. I agree with @Gail 8588 . 

[foreverhis]

11 hours ago, BREYER18 said:

I happened to notice some conversations with other men, however nothing sexual in nature. I was always under the assumption that she never talked with any other men because she always said she had no reason to. I was always aware that she had more men friends instead of women because she never trusted women with her man.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.  I have to admit to a bit of confusion myself.  If she had male friends, I'd assume she'd talk to them.  I have no way of knowing what she meant by having no reason to talk to other men, but could she have meant no reason to talk to them at the level of intimacy she had with you?  Is it possible she was concerned you'd be upset that she kept in contact with them?  I'm not saying you gave her any reason to think so, but the human mind and heart are tricky things and that may simply have been her feeling and nothing to do with your own behavior.

I am sorry that she felt that way about having women friends.  I suspect that could mean she had an experience in her past that made her suspicious of all women.  Perhaps a friend did betray her.  So could she have then shifted that thinking over to not wanting to give you any reason to believe that she would be tempted by other men, even though they were friends and nothing more?  It sounds like she might have been slightly insecure about how much you love her--again, nothing to do with you, but from her past experiences.

The bottom line is that she clearly made no effort to hide anything about her life from you, except perhaps allowing you to believe she didn't talk much with her male friends and that was likely due to her own insecurities.  If you never saw, heard, read, or suspected anything and if what you found on her phone were the types of things that platonic friends discuss, then I'd say she was completely in love and faithful to you.  Based on what she said and what her family told you, I cannot help but believe she loved you fully and completely.  But it will take time for you to wade through all the conflicting feelings and thoughts you are having now.  It's only natural.

My however is the same as Gail's response.  Grief brain is very real.  It makes us confused about the present, past, and future.  It makes us question everything.  You are trying to come to grips with the worst thing that could happen to both of you. It's no wonder that you are doubtful and questioning.  In the early months, I questioned our very existence.  There are days I still do.  Gail is right too that there are some things are brains do with the sole purpose of self-preservation.

I have had male friends my whole life.  I still do.  My husband had female friends his whole life as well.  Never once did we have a moment's pause about it.  Never once did he ever make me question his love.  Yet, had I somehow found messages from women after he died and who I did not know, even if they were completely innocent, it would have made me wonder, at least for a while, until my brain and heart worked through it.

 

[Perro J]

As already mentioned, your mind goes to some places it shouldn't in grief. My reaction to what you wrote is blunt and I apologize for it - I can't think of a better way to phrase it but I don't see any upside to what you are dwelling on. Let it go as best you can and I understand that is far easier said than done. The opposite sex makes up about half of the population and it isn't realistic to think that just because you love someone that they won't have occasion to talk to some of them. I think if something was wrong you would have found it. My condolences to you.

[BREYER18]

i want to thank you all for the responses. Like I said Clari, my fiancé always was crazy for me, I never ever doubted her love for me ever. I never saw or had any kind of feeling that ever made me concerned. This grief thing is undeniable the most horrific feeling I have ever dealt with. I miss her so much, my heart feels as though it has been torn in half and can never be the same ever again. My friends say that they feel I am thinking this way as a coping mechanism. I felt at 6 months I would be closer to feeling better butI seem to be sliding back down that grief mountain and beginning to feel no better than at 2 months.

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  It's bad enough to lose our spouse, but so young, we expect to have the whole future together!  The loss is of our hopes & dreams as well as the personage.

I hope you'll keep coming here and posting, it helps to express yourself, even if venting...here you are heard and understood and cared about.  A place such as this saved me in my early days of grief, 15 years ago.  I want to leave you with an article of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes you find something that helps you today (such as one day at a time) and something perhaps on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.