Members ThereIsAField Posted October 8, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 8, 2020 So, after 4 years, I'm still in the "don't want to live anymore" phase of grieving the loss of my partner. My therapist now thinks that I may have "prolonged grief disorder" and I think he may be right. Something about my grieving process feels like I'm stuck more than it's normal to be stuck. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prolonged_grief_disorder Anyone else heard of this/ thinks they may have it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 8, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 8, 2020 Not sure what's "normal" in grief because everything seems to be! I think we're "stuck" if a number of years have gone by and we still don't feel any quality of life or desire to live...but life is never the same again so we have a certain amount of it we learn to live with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted October 9, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 9, 2020 8 hours ago, ThereIsAField said: So, after 4 years, I'm still in the "don't want to live anymore" phase of grieving the loss of my partner. My therapist now thinks that I may have "prolonged grief disorder" and I think he may be right. Something about my grieving process feels like I'm stuck more than it's normal to be stuck. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prolonged_grief_disorder Anyone else heard of this/ thinks they may have it? ThereIsAField, what are your thoughts or states of mind or behaviours that your therapist decided to make the diagnosis? Not trying to intrude, I am curious to know. I have not had any formal therapy, so I can't tell you if I share your state but in 1 month it will be 5 years since my wife died of cancer. I can't say I ever wanted to literally die or stop living but I also have 2 sons who are adults now but I could never entertain the thought of leaving them without both parents. That being said, although I am lonely, I have not really dated or seriously considered a new relationship. Often, I despair thinking how utterly awful that my wife has had her life cut short, that could not enjoy seeing her boys grow up to be men. I keep busy and distracted with daily life of my profession and my sport ( I will train or compete 7 days a week), but still feel adrift. BUT, maybe everyone is like this/! We all suffer forever I believe from our losses. Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted October 9, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 9, 2020 13 hours ago, ThereIsAField said: So, after 4 years, I'm still in the "don't want to live anymore" phase of grieving the loss of my partner. My therapist now thinks that I may have "prolonged grief disorder" and I think he may be right. Something about my grieving process feels like I'm stuck more than it's normal to be stuck. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prolonged_grief_disorder Anyone else heard of this/ thinks they may have it? https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/16547-suffering-for-yearsdont-be-me/ Yeah, I'm there. Granted there are no clearly defined timelines, but 4 yrs? Your therapist IMO states the obvious. I'm sorry I don't have any brilliant ideas on how to get out of it, and people's circumstances are as unique as a fingerprint as there are so many variables, so even the concept of such a thing is dicey anyway, but I would suggest trying to branch out socially...family, friends (old or new), whatever. IMO the worst thing you can do is sit at home and stew in it. Expert stewer talking here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 10, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 10, 2020 I definitely wear of being alone all the time for 15 years, I work hard at my life but sometimes it's overwhelming and this is one of those years...if not for my puppy, I hate to think where I'd be. I work hard at friendships, activities, trying to make my life one I can live, even without my "big joy," George, in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThereIsAField Posted October 11, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2020 On 10/9/2020 at 3:05 AM, BSL said: what are your thoughts or states of mind or behaviours that your therapist decided to make the diagnosis? I think probably the main points are how numb I still feel, how I can't work out a point to living anymore - after what seems "too long" a time to just be part of the natural grief process. I realise there's no right/ wrong way of grieving and who's to say what's normal or too slow, really. I don't think my therapist or I can be "sure" it's prolonged grief disorder, but it just seems like it fits. For the first 3 years of grieving, I was masking it quite well - I just put my entire focus on work and just worked crazy long hours and that gave me enough of a distraction. But I lost my job in March and when the "crutch" of work was removed, it became obvious how seriously stuck I still was in the grief process. I feel like I've made barely any progress in those four years. Still feel shocked and numb and still can't make any sense of any of it. I don't know if that answers your question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 11, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 11, 2020 Oh no! I'm sorry you lost your job, I hope you find something soon! In the end, it doesn't matter what label we put on our grief or situation, it doesn't change that in the end, it's what we're dealing with and we continue doing our best with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lars M Posted October 11, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 11, 2020 ThereIsAField My grief counselor is giving me things to work on so I don't get "complicated grief" I am assuming it's the same thing but the difference is when grief turns into depression and life become unmanageable . I can still get up and go to work but it has no meaning anymore just like most things. I will keep working and I hope these feelings just lighten up a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ThereIsAField Posted October 12, 2020 Author Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2020 @Lars M Do you feel able to share an example of the kind of work your grief counsellor gets you to do? If it feels too personal/ private, then please don't feel the need to answer that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Lars M Posted October 12, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 12, 2020 This may sound strange It did to me but she ask me to give her short term goals and fill out a sheet each day on how I am doing. These goals can be directly related to the grief or something that has changed during the grief. For example I have turned to comfort foods since she passed like sweets they release brain chemicals that makes us feel good for a second. and this has turned to weight gain. I try to walk each day and cut back each hour. I guess this is to get me to focus on something else for a little bit. I am new to this so I am willing to try anything to feel a little less blue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted October 13, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 13, 2020 On 10/11/2020 at 4:55 AM, ThereIsAField said: I think probably the main points are how numb I still feel, how I can't work out a point to living anymore - after what seems "too long" a time to just be part of the natural grief process. I realise there's no right/ wrong way of grieving and who's to say what's normal or too slow, really. I don't think my therapist or I can be "sure" it's prolonged grief disorder, but it just seems like it fits. For the first 3 years of grieving, I was masking it quite well - I just put my entire focus on work and just worked crazy long hours and that gave me enough of a distraction. But I lost my job in March and when the "crutch" of work was removed, it became obvious how seriously stuck I still was in the grief process. I feel like I've made barely any progress in those four years. Still feel shocked and numb and still can't make any sense of any of it. I don't know if that answers your question. I'm sorry to hear you've lost your job and therefore your main distraction. As @KayC said, the label sometimes may not matter and there is probably a spectrum of severity of prolonged grief, what and when we take action is the question I suspect we wonder about. Also, doing some self diagnosis (probably not a good idea, lol), I feel distractions for the most part is not a bad thing, it keeps us sane. When Covid hit and I was forced by Public Health to shut down work entirely (for 3 months) and my sport shut down the same day, it was very difficult. More time to think about the loss of my wife.... there were days again when sleeping seemed like the best way to pass the time again like early days. Glad to report I'm back at work and back daily at my sport. I feel the key point in the grief process is the point which I felt that my distractions had become a crutch, keeping me from moving forward. I am tired of feeling like a ghost, just going through the motions of life, humans are social animals and I'm not fully there. I am at that point now, the hard part is how to do it. So, with that prism, perhaps you can evaluate if you want to move forward or is it external forces that are at play. I'm sorry if I am not coherent, just rambling a bit. The great aspect of this forum is to know we aren't alone in our journey and can share our experiences, hope this helps a bit, ThereIsAField. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 13, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 13, 2020 7 hours ago, BSL said: I feel distractions for the most part is not a bad thing, it keeps us sane. I so agree! I found an article years ago about meting out our grief (if one can do that) and in that sense, I'm glad I did have to return to work so soon, even though it was very hard to focus or get my brain engaged! Right now I can't find it, but here's one with a similar idea: https://stunnedbygrief.com/stunned-by-grief/is-it-possible-to-take-a-break-from-grief/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 14, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 14, 2020 Found it with my friend's (grief counselor, owner/adm. of grief website) help: https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/finding-crying-time-in-grief.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JoyR Posted October 15, 2020 Members Report Share Posted October 15, 2020 Still here after a year @KayC . I really hoped I wouldn’t be. Yet I am. SMH. I’m just in and out of emotions.I hate being alone now . When I used to love being alone. Now I feel if I’m alone too long I’ll break down thinking too much . Miss you and hope all is well and happy your still here comforting others through this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted October 15, 2020 Moderators Report Share Posted October 15, 2020 It's okay to be here, as for me I want to be here to help others through it if I possibly can, as others were there for me when George died. It's good to see you again, it's been a while. Don't be a stranger! I hope by now there's some light in sight of accountability for his attacker/s? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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