I might be responsible for my mums death.

[Leiabeth]

I’m 21 and my mum was 44. I was diagnosed with Coronavirus and spent all the day before I was diagnosed and was later taken to a&e by my mum (sole driver in the family), so was in close contact with her. She died in September 17th and now all I can think is I should have washed my hands more, or not gone to the shops on a certain day, or literally ANYTHING to still have my mum with me. I live in the city, so it’s almost certain that I gave it to her as I visited the weekend I got sick. 
 

I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to live the rest of my life knowing that I probably killed my mum, the guilt is eating me alive, especially having to travel back to the city to be back in my own apartment for work and school and seeing the whole world carrying on as normal while I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world. I know everyone thinks that about their mum, but we were so close and I love and miss her so much. 

[Carmen C]

2 hours ago, Leiabeth said:

I’m 21 and my mum was 44. I was diagnosed with Coronavirus and spent all the day before I was diagnosed and was later taken to a&e by my mum (sole driver in the family), so was in close contact with her. She died in September 17th and now all I can think is I should have washed my hands more, or not gone to the shops on a certain day, or literally ANYTHING to still have my mum with me. I live in the city, so it’s almost certain that I gave it to her as I visited the weekend I got sick. 
 

I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to live the rest of my life knowing that I probably killed my mum, the guilt is eating me alive, especially having to travel back to the city to be back in my own apartment for work and school and seeing the whole world carrying on as normal while I’ve lost my best friend in the whole world. I know everyone thinks that about their mum, but we were so close and I love and miss her so much. 

Dear Leiabeth, my heart is with you in your grief. I can imagine that the guilt is eating you alive, as you said. I know and I believe your mother knows that none of this was intentional. My brother is most likely the person who passed on COVID to my mother, who died on May 12. It's beautiful to hear that your mum was your best friend, but the ache is deep and real. I don't know if there is more you or my brother could have done to prevent the spread of this disease. Right now it must feel impossible not to blame yourself, but you didn't kill your mum. This disease is like nothing the world has faced in 100+ years. We can be careful and still, life gets out of control. And when we are sick, of course, we have to rely on our loved ones to help us. That is what you did, which is natural. You are so young, and your mother was still so young---it's not fair. I'm holding you in my heart and thank you for courageously sharing your story with us. Please keep reaching out for support. 

[reader]

Dear Leiabeth,

I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow.  I know its easier said than done, but please know you did nothing wrong. Part of grief is looking back and questioning every thought, word or action endlessly. It's terribly hard to stop. I know I did it too and to this day I still do it.  I don't think our parents would want us to torture ourselves in this manner. And would only want us to remember how much they loved us and wanted the best for us.

Thinking of you during this sad and difficult time. (((hugs))))

[Zee24]

Dear Leiabeth, I am so sorry about how you are feeling. Dont blame yourself. Our illusion of control is just a perception. In truth we have no control over anything especially over life and death. You are so young and this is very tragic, I am so sorry. Please keep reaching out, I hope you feel better. 

[Nayana]

Hi, I am 21 and my mom was 45. She didn't die the way your mom did, but I feel the guilt that I could've prevented my mom's death as well. You are not alone, please reach out if you want to talk