Introducing myself and a little about my story

[Helena A. Greco]

Quote

 

I lost my boyfriend of five years.  Two weeks ago, he died in his bed at 58 years old.  They have not came up with reason for death, but he did have health issues but i never thought he would die. I saw his Wednesday and Thursday the 17th he passed.  I'm crying, in denial and just devastated.  I miss us, our love, our future plans, how we loved each other, how we were soulmates.  Need some hellp...

[Perro J]

I am sorry Helena. I lost my love in July and I too am devastated. The advice others that have walked before us here rings true for me. One thing I was told first and then experienced was that it comes in waves. You may cry, then feel a little better, but then it will come back and hit you again. Expect this. If you're like me, you want to feel better right now. Regrettably, that isn't one of our options. There is some enduring to be done here. That may sound discouraging but I am told there is a slow lessening of the intensity and duration of the hurt as time goes on. I have to believe in that. I've had a couple of days now where I did not cry the whole day. Today was not one of them.

I wish you solace.

[Anne Huber]

I am so very sorry for your loss.  My husband passed away August 20, 2020. Our anniversary was August 25. 

Sometimes I just cry.  Sometimes I am numb and do nothing.  I sit on my back deck and rock for hours.  Sometimes I am just angry.  My daughter had a brain aneurysm in 2018.  My son had osteosarcoma and lost his left leg when he was 3 years old.  Haven't I had enough Lord??? 

But then I think God didn't point His finger at me and say, "your husband will die" and all the other bad things that have happened.  That would be a cruel God and I do not believe that God is cruel.  I believe that God gives us the strength to go on.

On good days, I remember to ask for joy in my day.  I wish this pain would leave me. I wish, I wish, I wish -- During the day I see all the beautiful colors of the changing leaves. I look at tonight's full moon.  I wonder does he see all this beauty and I cry some more.

Oh Helena, I wish I knew the answer.  This is all so new for me, as well.  I don't know the road we will have to follow, but I am glad I found this site where others know and understand this very difficult journey we are on.

Anne

 

[Gail 8588]

Helena,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is so unfair to lose your love. 

Your grief journey is just beginning and the pain is so raw and crushing right now. Focus on getting through just today, or just this hour.  It is too overwhelming to look into the future. 

Accept help from others if is offered. 

Put one foot in front of the other to do what must be done.  Some days you won't even be able to go through the motions. That's okay. Take each day as it comes. The pain will become less intense with time.  The waves of dispair will become more spaced apart.

We are all so very sorry you have joined us on this grief journey that none of us chose to be on.  Come here to vent, share, question or just read.  We are all on this journey too. We understand how hard this is. 

Hugs

Gail

[KayC]

@Helena A. Greco  I am so sorry for your loss, when something happens so young and unexpected, as my husband did 15 years ago when he'd just turned 51, it can leave us in shock, reeling.  We grieve the loss of our partner and all of our hopes and dreams with it.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years and hope you find something of help to you today, and something else perhaps later on down the road.  One of the biggest things that helped me was learning to take a day at a time and trying not to look at the whole rest of my life, which just invited anxiety (something I don't need more of).  It really helped finding a place such as this where there were others that "get it" as my family hadn't been through it.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

13 hours ago, Perro J said:

there is a slow lessening of the intensity and duration of the hurt as time goes on.

Yes, trust me, I could have survived if that were not true.  We can't tell you when because it's individual but it's a gradual lessening of the intensity of pain, so gradual as to seem imperceptible until after a few years you look back and see that it's not as it was on day one.