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Almost two years ago my wife and I decided to undergo IVF. She was 40 at the time so it was really our last chance to have children. That's mainly my fault, as I'm younger than her and hadn't felt ready for children.  Despite the odds, my wife became pregnant several times, but each time miscarried early. However, on the fourth try she became pregnant again and it seemed to be going well. We dared to dream, and started imagining the future with our lovely child and thinking about names. It wasn't to be, and the baby/foetus passed away around the 10-week mark. We were beside ourselves with grief, but decided to continue with the IVF. Miraculously, she became pregnant again, but again the child passed away at 10 weeks. We couldn't afford to continue the treatment, and by that point we were so emotionally exhausted that it was probably for the best. we held a funeral for the children, and we visit their grave regularly. We're also still trying for a baby, but she's 43 now and hope is disappearing by the day.

I can't quite describe the feeling of losing those children, but I'm sure anyone reading this knows the feeling. After the second one, I thought that I would die of sadness. It just enveloped me and refused to let go. That beautiful future with those beautiful children has been taken away from us, and nothing else really feels important anymore. What good is a job without children to spend the money on? What are weekends, except time to imagine what we would have been doing with our kids? It's not always as bad this, we're blessed with wonderful friends and family. But something always seems missing, even on the good days. I'm not a religious person, but it feels like the pieces of my soul that gave life to those babies passed away with them, leaving me different, incomplete. Every time I see a child in the street, it's a reminder of what we can never have. More than that, it's a reminder of what I cannot give to our family. My parents won't get to meet their grandchildren, nor will my wife's. I guess I feel guilty about that. And I know that my wife feels guilty for not being able to provide a child for me. It must be incredibly difficult for her knowing that she can't have children. It's been a year now since the IVF ended, and I guess we're a little better. But every time I start to feel normal, I see a TV commercial for children's toys or a bunch of kids walking to school and I'm surrounded by that fog again. Is this us now? Is this our future?

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ScottyB, I've walked in your shoes. I understand what your are feeling because my wife and I have been through it as well.  We did not do IVF but she had 4 miscarriages and then a still birth at 8 months. Our daughter that we lost would be 24 years old today. 


Stay strong for your wife, Brother.  As painful as it is, its in the vows that we took.




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