My husband just died

[Lostmysoulmate]

My husband of 6 years just died.  He killed himself after battling addiction and other issues that come along with that. Despite those issues he was an amazing kind person and the love of my life. I feel like every day I wake up is worse than the day before, not getting a bit easier as I am told it should. I wake up every morning mad that I am still alive, but too scared to kill myself because I don’t want others to feel like I do. Everyone tells me to focus on my kids and my job, blah blah.  The state I am in, they’d be better off without me, I feel. What they have left is a shell of a person just counting down the days I have to exist on this miserable planet without my soulmate.  I’m seeing a counselor and she keeps saying the same things everyone else has, and I find myself irritated that everyone just basically tells me to focus on what is still good.  Nothing. Nothing is good. My soulmate is dead and I will die alone, hopefully sooner rather than later, until I can be with him then.

[Yoli]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not in the best place to offer any advice right now as I to am in the pit of despair too but rest assured you will get some good advice and words of understanding from everyone here.

[Gail 8588]

Lost, 

I am so sorry for your loss.  All of us on this site have felt the dispair you are experiencing.  Our world was shattered, irreparably.  It's hard to breathe.  The pain is unbearable yet somehow we don't die.  More than a few times I felt my heart was exploding inside my chest. How I survived is a complete mystery to me. 

For those who have not experienced the loss of their soulmate, they cannot understand what is happening to us.  There are no words to describe it.  For those who have experienced it, words are not necessary.  We get it. 

I lost my love 3 and a half years ago. 

Your loss is so recent and raw, you just need to try to get through each day, sometimes just this hour, or moment.   Just keep breathing. 

You have children, which makes grief more challenging in some ways, but also may help you find your way back to the world. 

Please come back here to vent, rage, question or just read other's posts. We are all so sorry you have joined us on this grief journey. None of us wanted this. But we do understand and will share what we have experienced. 

For now, take one day at a time. 

Peace,

Gail

 

 

[Perro J]

22 hours ago, Lostmysoulmate said:

Despite those issues he was an amazing kind person and the love of my life.

Being familiar with addiction I would like to share this quote from Abraham Lincoln with you.

"In my judgment such of us who have never fallen victims have been spared more by the absence of appetite than from any mental or moral superiority over those who have. Indeed, I believe if we take habitual drunkards as a class, their heads and their hearts will bear an advantageous comparison with those of any other class."

I am sorry for your loss.

I lost my love two months ago. I would tell you that her health habits were exceptional. She ate almost exclusively home cooked, healthy choice foods, did not drink, did not smoke, preferred natural holistic remedies whenever available. That did not stop the horror of cancer coming and taking her away from me in a matter of months.

I think what I am trying to tell you here is that the how does not matter. This person you love, and loved you back, is gone. There's no rhyme nor reason to it. I am mad at God. Mad at cancer. Mad at doctors. Sometimes I am even mad at my love for leaving, as senseless as that is, knowing that was never her intention. I am saddened reading your words - but I understand the feelings. It is hard to envision a future without them here.

Just get through the day - one at a time. Break it down to hours or minutes if you need to.

I wish you well.

[Darlene13]

I lost my husband almost two months ago and have a lot of the same feelings you do.  Everything seems pointless, and I often feel I don't want to go on and face life each day without him. I have family and friends who would be hurt if I chose to leave them though, and so I keep going, sometimes just minute to minute.  I just want you to know others of us are going through the same struggles, and we care.  Hang in there, we're all in this together and we'll get through it day by day.  

[jmmosley53]

Lost,

Please do not harm yourself.  Your thoughts about others being better off without you is grief talking in your head.  If you were in your normal state of mind hurting yourself just wouldn't seem like a good idea at all.

I sympathize with your pain.  I lost the love of my life 5 months ago.  I cry every day.  I can be walking through the grocery store and see an item I used to buy for him and burst into tears.  I know your throat hurts from that huge lump in it, your heart aches, your nose is raw from blowing it, there are dark circles under your eye from rubbing tears away, and you just can't focus on much for very long.  I don't know when all that goes away.  I think little parts of it lessen with time.  Best I can think about it we will miss our guys forever.  But as you know  - it takes a lot of energy to be so on the edge of grief.  Please be kind to yourself, give yourself a break, eat a bowl of ice cream, whatever it takes to gain just a tiny bit of strength.  That's my plan anyway.  Think about spoiling yourself a little instead of those harm thoughts.

[KayC]

On 9/16/2020 at 6:26 PM, Lostmysoulmate said:

My husband of 6 years just died.  He killed himself after battling addiction and other issues that come along with that. Despite those issues he was an amazing kind person and the love of my life. I feel like every day I wake up is worse than the day before, not getting a bit easier as I am told it should. I wake up every morning mad that I am still alive, but too scared to kill myself because I don’t want others to feel like I do. Everyone tells me to focus on my kids and my job, blah blah.  The state I am in, they’d be better off without me, I feel. What they have left is a shell of a person just counting down the days I have to exist on this miserable planet without my soulmate.  I’m seeing a counselor and she keeps saying the same things everyone else has, and I find myself irritated that everyone just basically tells me to focus on what is still good.  Nothing. Nothing is good. My soulmate is dead and I will die alone, hopefully sooner rather than later, until I can be with him then.

I am sorry for your loss, you are dealing with a lot.  I strongly encourage you to recognize that how you are feeling is common in early grief.  What you are feeling is so understandable.  I do hope you'll hang in there long enough to begin to see some change...I know that's hard to imagine right now but grief is an evolving journey, not stagnant.  It takes more time than I care to say to begin to adjust, but we can do it.  I could not imagine one week without my George but it's been 15 years now.  I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, the first thing was taking one day at a time, try not to look at the whole rest of your life, it's too much.  It's not a hw to guide as we're all unique and find our own way through this, but just things to consider at some point.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.