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[Mcw9840]

My wife passed away yesterday from a brief illness. She was only 35 i'm left to raise our children and pick up the pieces of my life. I don't know what it means to "get over" my grief. I cant "move on" she was my everything. I'm just trying to find a way to navigate my pain.i stared at the door for hours waiting for her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

[Missy1]

I feel your pain, such a tremendous loss, there is no getting over it, we shall always carry them in hearts and feel that loss forever. Your loss is very new and your most likely you are in shock from this life altering event. It’s so overwhelming in those first few weeks. I hope you have some support to help with the kids, please try to eat and care for your needs.
This is good place where people understand and no judgement is passed on how we feel or chose to grieve. 

[Gail 8588]

Mcw, 

I am so sorry for your loss. Missy is right, there is no "getting over" this sort of loss.  But with time you will be able to see and feel other things besides your grief.  

But now is the time to mourn.  To help your kids mourn and let them know they are loved.

Accept help if it is offered. You will need support of family or friends. 

This is so unfair and awful.  I am so sorry you have joined us on this unwelcome grief journey.  Please come here to vent or rage or just read.  We are all going through this terrible transition too. 

Gail

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  I wish no one ever had to go through this.  Of course you can't "move on" or "get over her"  it is terms that none of us like or agree with, to tell someone that is inappropriate and only someone who hadn't been through this would use that term.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, and hope something in it helps you today and something else further on down the road, this is an ever evolving journey, we're in it for the long haul.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Lars M]

I wish I had some great words of wisdom but i don't I am in the same shape. I can offer support and tell you that you are in a safe space hear. If you need to vent or ask for others hope please do so. It is just 2 months for me so I don't know crap about this grief stuff i still cry on my shoe laces when I am leaving for work. I hope you get a little more peace each day.  

[KayC]

Sometimes it's not great words of wisdom we need, but just the knowledge that someone else understands and is listening, caring.  We are that to each other here.

[jwahlquist]

On 9/12/2020 at 5:34 PM, Mcw9840 said:

My wife passed away yesterday from a brief illness. She was only 35 i'm left to raise our children and pick up the pieces of my life. I don't know what it means to "get over" my grief. I cant "move on" she was my everything. I'm just trying to find a way to navigate my pain.i stared at the door for hours waiting for her. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

I am sorry for your loss.  ((HUGS)).   It is so extremely hard to go through this when you have children.  I have felt like a failure more often than not trying to keep myself and my daughter both afloat amid the constant stream of grief.  Being there for someone else when it is hard to even get out of bed in the morning sucks.  No one should expect you to move on.  I still love my husband and miss him.   Some days are better than others.   I still have some days that it is difficult to get out of bed.  
 

Reimagining a new life is difficult when you and your spouse had plans, goals and dreams for the future.  Give yourself time and grace.   Seeing a therapist has helped both my daughter and me.  Maybe that is something you could try?