Struggle with Grieving Multiple Deaths

[Meredith S]

I have lost three people over the past couple of years and have been struggling with the grieving process. It doesn’t feel like I have one--at least not one that feels right. Here’s what happened and how I have managed to mourn thus far.

It started with a close friend of mine who had a brain aneurysm followed by a series of strokes. She went in for surgery and her body survived it but she never woke up and was taken off life support a couple of days later. I wasn’t there. I was sick, I think with the flu, and couldn’t fly like that or bring it into the hospital. A family member put the phone up to her ear for me, so I got to say something, but she was unconscious so who knows if anything got through. I like to think it did. I burned a candle for her over the course of those few days when she was still alive…and after. She made candles, actually. I burned one of hers.

My father died next, a little over a year ago. He’d had a couple of falls over a couple of years and wasn’t mobile much anymore. He went downhill pretty fast and died in his sleep. I wasn’t there for that death, either. And my father and I were not close. We had a pretty complicated history, actually. I flew out to spend time with my mother and brother as they sorted things out. I went to the funeral home with them and sat at the table while a sweet woman explained the options and next steps. We’d hoped to have his ashes before I had to leave, so we could have the ceremony sooner than later. That didn’t happen so I left then came back a month or so later and that’s when we drove out into the desert and scattered his ashes--just me, and my mom, and my brother. We each said a few words. I had spent a lot of time drafting mine, picking and choosing the most positive things I could say about him and about us without feeling like I was forcing something that wasn’t true. I was happy with what came up for me and it felt good. I brought several of his things back with me--ties, and pens, and an award he got from work. I also brought home a journal I’d given him years ago, suggesting he fill it with memories. It was still blank, so I started it, with a dialogue to him, filling a couple of pages with things I never said.

The third death was an ex-boyfriend of mine. Ex-fiancé actually. At first all I knew was that he had died so I got in touch with an old friend who knew more about it. He had killed himself. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in 30 years, but I’d thought of him often. I knew the struggles he had back then and often wondered how things turned out. I hate they turned out like this.

What doesn’t feel right about my grieving process is the amount of time I have spent with it. In the wake of each of their deaths, I cried but felt like I had to tuck it neatly away for fear of getting lost in it. That’s what I don’t really get. How people grieve and still go on about their daily lives. “I’ll deal with it properly later,” I told myself each time. But when is later? There are always more to-do’s in the day than an hour of sobbing seems to accommodate. That’s just an arbitrary amount of time. I just know I have it in me--more crying, I mean--and I’m not sure how and when to get that out without it consuming me. I let it come in the immediate aftermath of their deaths, but I’m afraid to let it back in. It feels funny to say it like that because crying is what lets it out.

I’m in school and have a break coming up so I really want to take some time with this. And I’m hoping my posting to this site--sharing and reading the experiences of others--helps with that.

Thank you for taking the time to read through this. I am surprised I wrote so much.

Meredith

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Meredith thank you for sharing. My deepest sympathy and empathy to you. I also have multiple losses in a short period of time. There have been times when I let it flow put of me, times when it’s stuck and I’ve done a lot of compartmentalizing to be able to get through days. I definitely run the whole gamut of grief and it hasn’t been linear in terms of the described stages of grief which I’ve now learned to expect for whatever people would call my new normal. If there is such a thing. I go moment to moment. There is no set time and I try to remind myself of that. One of my brothers deaths I wouldn’t let myself feel for a couple of years. For me writing it out when I can’t talk about it has helped. Sending you love and light. 

[Meredith S]

Nicole,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry to hear about the multiple losses you also experienced in a short period of time. I sometimes find myself distracted by that fact--that they clustered together like that. I can't seem to think about one of their deaths without thinking about all of them, and that makes the grieving feel all the more daunting. I appreciate you reminding me that there is no set time for how long the grieving process will take. And I am glad to hear that writing about your brother's death has been helpful to you. I want to focus more on that, too, writing about it--here and in my journal.

Take care,

Meredith

[Liora Emet]

Hi Meredith,

I’m so sorry for your losses, it’s all awful and my heart is heavy for you.  I lost my mom and sweet pup last week, my father last year, and I’m not really sure where I am in the grieving “process” but understand that it’s different for everyone, depending on so many things really, state of health, age, proximity, how close the relationship was, etc., etc., but in the end it’s still awful and so sad.  I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. 

I’m in NY and booked a flight to get to my father in FL as soon when I got the word he might not make it through the weekend but didn’t make it in time to be there for him when he died.  Earlier that year, right after his diagnosis, I took leave for 2 months to care for him.  It was absolutely the most important work I’ve ever done in my life. He was so healthy and then he was not, so tragic. He was beloved by everyone and is still so terribly missed. I saved voicemails I received from him so I could hear his voice, but thankfully, I can still hear his voice  in my head and am grateful for that.

My mother had health issues for most of her life but always chugged along, still pursued her goals, and always with a smile. When my father was given 6 months to live we moved her to a senior living community near my brother and she really thrived at first.  Then COVID and she became so isolated, no visitors from friends, no activities, no nothing.  But I spoke with her every day and am so grateful that we had the meaningful conversations we did not always have before.  She would call just to see what I was wearing or what I cooked for dinner and told me every time we spoke was a blessing.  I miss those calls so much but am grateful for the time we did have together.  I went to see her in June when she was hospitalized and it seemed that was going to be it, but she bounced back and was moved to a rehab center, then to an assisted living facility when it became clear she could not remain in the independent community she had lived in since last year.  The week before last she began to fail again and I headed down right away, despite COVID-19 restrictions the facility let both my brother and me spend time with her since she was under Hospice care, got to spend her last 12 hours with her and held her hand when she died. She was not really able to speak in her last couple of days, but I know she was happy we were there for her and believe we were able to comfort and support her during such a difficult time. 

Our 14.5 year old pup was in a bad way the week before we left for my mom, but he hung in there with the medications provided by the vet until we came back.  He was so happy to see us (drove 11 hours straight to get to him), spent a great day with him the day after, but died the day after that.  We were all with him so he would not be alone and he knew he was loved.  We gave him a good life and he enriched ours in so many ways. 

I think I’ve accepted that we all need to find our way through all of this in whatever way works best for us... I’m still trying to figure out what that is but am doing my best to be kind to myself and patient with my feelings.  I’m writing my feelings down, wrote my parents obituaries too, and feel that writing can be truly helpful with identifying feelings as well as healing. Thankfully I have a wonderful counselor so that’s a great help.  But it still hurts and I still cry unexpectedly but am trying not to stifle my true feelings under the guise of bravery.  Gotta feel and work through all this stuff, and will continue to hope for the best. 

I wish you peace and hope that your path to healing becomes one that provides you with comfort and hope.

Best wishes, Lisa

[Meredith S]

Liora,

Thank you for the kinds words. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father, mother, and pup. The situations surrounding each of their deaths sound so incredibly difficult, but the way you met those heartbreaks is so heartwarming. I love that you you describe the 2 months with your father as the most important work you have ever done. What a beautiful thing to say and feel. It breaks my heart that COVID came and isolated your mother, but it sounds like the daily conversations you had gave great meaning to your last few months with her. Then to get to spend that time with her in hospice in the midst of all this...a real blessing. And the way you rushed home to be with your pup and got to spend that last glorious day with him. It's all just a real inspiration to me. You sound like a very strong, caring person. I wish you all the best in working through the heartache.

Meredith