I never got to grieve

[Caligal]

My stepfather, the man who raised me since the age of 5, the only father I really had in my life, died on Sept 9th 2001.  Two days before the 9-11 attacks.  I live on the East coast and he and my mother live on the west coast.  My sister was there visiting and she called me and told me he had passed.  I was busy trying to make arrangements to fly out and talking on the phone to my mother and sister and BOOM, the twin towers got hit.  I was in shock, again.  My flight was canceled when the planes were grounded, my sister and mom and I spent a lot of that day on the phone watching what was happening and disbelieving what was happening.  I never got to go out for his funeral, I never got to say goodbye, I never got to see him one more time. My emotions were so tied up in what was going on at the WTC that I stuffed all that grief over my dad down, way way down.  I have noticed every year on 9-9 I get sad, very sad, and by the time 9-11 comes I get more emotional every year.  I never understood why 9-11 made me so emotional, I didn't know anyone who was there or on flight 93 or at the pentagon. I think this year, 19 years later I have figured it out.  I NEVER GOT TO GRIEVE MY DAD!!!  I guess I just pushed all that grief so far down and totally skipped the mourning process that it is now coming out.  I don't know how healthy this is but I guess it is something I need to deal with so I can stop this stupid crying, but crying is the only way I know of to get it out.  

[Zee24]

Sending love and prayers. I am so sorry.