my mother died of cancer yesterday

[persephone256]

My mom died yesterday morning, September 8. I'm 21 and she was 61. She was diagnosed with cancer two years ago when I was a freshman in college. I still live at home so I was always with her. She went through chemo and surgeries, and it was a struggle for her, but for the most part she carried on, still active and going about her business almost as usual. But these past few months she became so much worse. She was rapidly losing weight and threw up everything she ate. Then she couldn't get out of bed anymore, couldn't do anything, barely had the energy to speak. She was put on hospice less than a month ago, and at that point I think I knew what was going to happen, but I never thought it would happen so soon. But, the last few days were just agony for her, and for me to witness. I think I tried to distract myself from it. I felt helpless, like there was nothing I could do. But I still tried to tell her I loved her everyday, even though she barely had energy to speak. She still said it back to me, though. My brother, uncle, and father were all here to support her during that time. 

At around 2 am my uncle comes into my room crying, saying that she's not well and that he doesn't think she's going to make it. We all go in her room and she's in my father's arms barely holding on. That sight, I think it will haunt me forever. She didn't even look like herself anymore, I couldn't believe it. She looked so much worse than she did even earlier that day. I was frantic, crying, hyperventilating, telling her I loved her again and again even though she couldn't respond. I thought I would pass out. My brother was calling for help, and I stepped out of her room to help him write down the info he was getting, then I hear my dad say he doesn't think he can feel a pulse anymore. I think a part of me knew it was coming, but my whole body just went completely numb. I couldn't bear to look at her after she passed, because she didn't look like herself at all. I don't know if I'll regret this later, not seeing her afterwards, but right now I don't, because the image of her barely holding on keeps showing up in my mind and I can't sleep at night. Right now at least, I'm glad I didn't see her like that because I don't want to remember her like that. 

My brother and I just sat there in shock for an hour waiting for the funeral home to take her. I said my final goodbyes as her body was wheeled out the door. Just in absolute shock that it had all happened so quickly. 

Part of me felt, even before she passed, that she was already gone. She wasn't really living, just in agony all the time, and couldn't do anything at all. I'm glad she's not in pain anymore, I just wish she was never in any pain to begin with. So, in that way I feel conflicted. Because I know she was suffering so much, but the pain of her being gone is just so much for me. I keep thinking about how she'll never hug me again, or kiss me, or tell me she loves me, and it's killing me inside. I can't eat at all. I've barely slept because every time I try that sequence of events just keeps repeating in my head. What should I have done? What should I have said? Why didn't I realize earlier how bad she was so I could have actually spoken to her? I don't know how I'm going to go back to school and work and carry on like everything is normal when I feel my entire world has completely shattered. I oscillate between being momentarily distracted by the reality of what happened by talking to friends or whatever, to just sobbing, to being completely numb. The finality of what has happened has yet to set in I think... I just don't really know how to move forward. I was always very dependent on my mother. Our relationship was complicated at times, but there was still no one that knew me better and no one I loved more, and there never will be. I'm not particularly close to my father, and my brother doesn't usually live with us. Now our house feels so empty. 

[Cia]

Persephone, my heart goes out to you. It's really hard going through what you have just experienced. My father died when I was 11, and my mother when I was 45. In neither case was I there, nor when my brother passed. I feel so sad that I could not be with them. So many things go through our heads at such times. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you know that you are not alone.

[Paulinet Angela]

My father died of cancer complications as well. I am 27, he was 64. I share the shock that you feel. Every night I am haunted by the thought that they were taken away from us too early. It's unlike any other pain in this world, to know that you'll never have one more conversation with them. I feel numb too. It's okay to feel all these emotions, in time, we will find a way to overcome them. 

[cloudyday]

persephone256, I understand the loss and loneliness. I lost my mother 1 1/2 years ago to brain cancer. She tried to survive for close to 2 years but it was very rough. My mother was in her late 60's and she and I were expecting to spend another 20 years together. My health isn't great so we actually thought she might outlive me. I understand that feeling of loss, feeling like she is just out of reach. The pain, the loneliness. Feel free to send me a pm if you need someone to chat with.

[Meredith S]

Persephone,

I am so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. It sounds like you were really close to her and grateful to be home with her over the past couple of years. I cannot imagine how hard that must have been on you as a college student. What a trying time. It’s good hearing she was able to remain active for as long as she was, but the experience you describe of her decline in her final months and days is heartbreaking and I am so sorry you had to go through it. I know you felt helpless but hearing someone say they love you every single day is plenty helpful, and that’s what you did for your mom; what a blessing that she was able to say it back.

I know you are struggling with the image of her not looking like herself on that last night. I don’t know much about how memory works, but I hope the countless other images you have of her over the past 21 years flood your thoughts very soon.

You mention that your relationship with her was complicated. I had that same experience with my father who died a little over a year ago. I wasn’t as close to him as you were to your mom. That combined with our complicated history has made grieving him confusing and difficult. Mostly, I’ve just been avoiding it. I’m new to this forum and hopeful that engaging here will help me figure some things out.

Meredith