My best friend for 27 years is gone

[Lexllexi]

My dad was everything to me. 

He had me when he was in his early 20s and he worked so hard to make sure I was taken care of growing up. Even when I was struggling with my mental health diagnosis he was always there to support me. I called him for everything. Good news, bad news, help, just to talk. 

I'm on the opposite coast from him and the last time I saw him in person was in December before the pandemic. We had plans for him to come visit after everything subsided but he suffered two strokes at one time. He seemed like he was doing just fine two weeks after though. He was cognitive, at home, he was able to drive again and was about to see his doctor to get the go ahead to return to work but something happened and he died suddenly. We dont even have all the answers because we are still waiting on the coroner. 

He was my everything. We had rocky moments that happens with fathers and daughters but he was an incredible person. So many people loved him and his humor and its been overwhelming because a lot of my family and friends have struggled with me because of my mental issues in the past and my dad has been the only real constant support. Those same people are reaching out and its hard. I dont want to talk to them because they don't understand this feeling and it feels superficial for them to pretend they care how I'm doing. The only people I can handle talking with right now is my partner, my mom (who I'm also struggling with because she is currently in a rehab center after a stroke that happened a few nights prior to my dad's death), my brother (who does understand what I'm going through), and my stepmom who I know is struggling a lot because my dad also financially provided for her and she's having to handle all his accounts now.

I know my dad would want me to celebrate his life. We had many talks before about things like this and he even had already taken care of his cremation and plot and paid for the services years ago because he just didn't want me or his wife to have to ever deal with it. But its too hard. I just find myself being cynical. I cant help but truly wish the world does end this year and it reaffirms my atheism that there is no way a god exists because no all loving god would take someone as kind hearted as my dad and leave someone as ugly spirited as me. My partner is having to really push me to do things like eat, shower, and change my clothes because I just can't get out of bed most of the time. I just want to sleep and keep hoping he'll still be here when I wake up. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I identify with losing the person who knew me the best and supported me no matter what. I could say anything and my mom had unconditional love towards me. You have my empathy and I’m sending a huge virtual hug your way. I wasn’t able to move either after my adrenaline stopped running and the shock wore off. Losing a parent is so painful. Parent, child relationships are where our foundations began and losing a key part of our lives can make us feel identity loss and every single part of grief that people speak of. Not all of those things in order. I was lucky where I had already been seeing a therapist because I have multiple losses and trauma. And now, two years later I feel like I can cope much better. I have some tools now like walking and stretching to release what’s inside of me. I write on here and get out my feelings and that helps. I cried a lot and would scream into a pillow to get it out. I never thought I could survive losing my two brothers and mom and here I am. We are more resilient than we think. I also have depression that at times ranges in to severe and when I’m in that, I never know how long it will keep me down. It scary. I just try and go moment to moment and to be easier on myself with what I feel. And be easier on myself about what I do, or don’t do. We have enough pressure. For a long time I wished I could speed up my grief and my grief journey. I still want to pick up the phone and call them. My grief is here, but it continues to transform. Hang in there and keep sharing what you feel. 
 

hugs,

nicole