Unexpected loss of a solemate

[Danielle V]

I am going through a very tough divorce from my husband that I've been with for 16 years that sadly suffers from untreated bipolar. When I decided to leave his family turned their backs on me and constantly bullied me through social media. I was all alone until someone I've known also for 16 years and had a connection with before my ex and I got together came along to show support. His name is Jason. He immediately was their for me and was helping me get through everything going on in my life. Bipolar is a very devastating mental illness that causes a person to become someone their not and it makes them unable to control impulses and makes a person angry. I was constantly living in survival mode because my ex would continue to break the no contact order and show up at random times wherever I was. He was angry I was spending time with Jason and would constantly try to get into altercations with him. Jason didn't care and he continued to be there for me. He worked at a camp that is far away from town and let me go and stay there whenever I wanted. It became my safe place and I started spending all my free time there. He made sure I had everyone I needed, I always felt safe, and I knew he would always be there for me. It didn't take long for us to feel the deep connection we both had for each other that never fully went away from before I got with my ex. Jason was a stubborn hard a** and I am a huge softy so I would always say I made him softer and he made me stronger. He never got close to women but for some reason he got close to me and everything he did with me was out of the ordinary for him. His family and friends would say how different he was with me and told me I make him a better person. We were only together for 4 months when tragedy struck. We were at camp with his son, sister, and brother in law when he went out bear hunting. It was getting late and the other hunters were already back at camp. His sister and I asked her fiance and his friend to go look for him. 3 am rolled around when his brother in law returned and I thought Jason would be returning with him. As I waited in our cabin I then heard his sister screaming from the cabin next to ours. I quickly ran to where they were to see what happened and when I went in I saw Jasons son was there but Jason wasn't. I started asking what happened when his sisters fiance looked at me and said there was an accident and Jason didn't make it. I screamed in disbelief and kept saying they were lying. Jason got a flat tire and while his son and another hunter went to track a bear his son shot Jason went to change it and fix a part behind the wheel. The tire was off and while under the truck the jack slipped and his truck crushed him. His 15 year old son and the hunter returned and found him but it was too late. His sister left camp to go tell their mother and I stayed to run it with my mom's help. When his sister returned for some unknown reason she started accussing me of stealing Jasons stuff, kicked me out, told me Jason would be disgusted I don't deserve to even say his name, and now won't let me go to his services. It hasn't even been a week since this happened and I am really struggling to hang on right now. I can't put into words the amount of pain I feel and don't know how I will over come this. Has anyone else ever gone through something similar? What did you do to get through it?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...that another person has to go through this.  I lost my husband 15 years ago and how I've survived this long I have no idea...it's been one of the hardest journeys of my life, I did not know where to start.  I've read a lot of articles, books, and a forum such as this one, has literally saved me.  It helps to express yourself to those who "get it," and we here do.

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, hoping you get something that will be of help to you today, and something else further on down the road.  We all handle our grief differently, there isn't a right or wrong way, only our way.  My husband died unexpectedly, suddenly, had just had his 51st birthday (we didn't meet until our mid-40s), he was my soulmate, my best friend, everything in the world to me.  I haven't experienced what you have with his sister, but his family just cut contact with me, only three siblings showed at his funeral, never to be heard from again except one brother who wanted his coin collection which he no longer had.  I have heard from his kids who are grown but living across the US.  Even his own father didn't bother coming to his funeral.  I am so sorry you were not able to go to his funeral, that isn't right.   They are not honoring his wishes.  II have heard of this happening and the counselor on my other site suggested to the person that they create their own memorial spot that they can go to and remember them.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Gail 8588]

Danielle,

I am so sorry for your loss.  

During this time of Covid, it is so difficult to have funerals/memorial services.  If his family objects to you attending, I think you have to comply.  Your grief will be the same whether you attend or not.  Perhaps you can have a private memorial with Jason in your own way. 

I  am sorry you still have so much to deal with, regarding your divorce,  while you are coping with Jason's death.  It is all so unexpected and tragic. So unfair. 

Please come here to vent. We all can relate to losing someone who has been a piller of strength and support.  

Take one day at a time. The pain of grief does eventually subside, but it does take time.

Peace,

Gail