So Lost Without My Mom

[Leigh]

Hey everyone. I just lost my mom almost 4 weeks ago. I am so heartbroken. I cannot believe that it's been almost a month since I've spoken to my best friend. My mom was diagnosed with Lymphoma14 years ago. She went through chemo and radiation and was able to go into remission. She remained healthy until 2015 when she began losing her vision. The doctors were trying everything to get her vision back including giving lots of oral steroids and immunosuppressants. The steroids made her bones very weak and the immunosuppressants brought the cancer back. When the cancer returned to her parotid gland, she went through a round of chemo. As soon as she finished that round of chemo it was discovered that the cancer was in the eye and spread to the brain. When you have traditional chemo, it dos not penetrate the brain. Therefore, another type of chemo had to be administered. There was some misdiagnosing happening which is why the cancer in the eye went unnoticed but that's a whole other story. The last doctor she had at sloan kettering was wonderful. She started her on a rigorous round of methotrexate inpatient every two weeks for 3 months and a trial drug. During my mom's second inpatient treatment in 2017, she stopped breathing and was put on a ventilator. We thought she wasn't going to make it but she did and came off the ventilator. She had stayed in remission until she died but from all the treatment she could not walk anymore. She couldn't sit up or feed herself. It took and aid and my father and I to take care of her at once. My mom was in and out of the hospital every 2 weeks since March. She fought so hard but her immobility caused swelling which led to other complications. Then on August 7th, we took her back to the hospital and was found to have sepsis. She died 3 days later. She was only 64. I watched my mother take her last breath at the hospital. On one hand, I am glad that I with my mom when she passed. On the other hand, I cannot get the picture of my mom taking her last breath out of my head and her face after. 

My mom was my world. I took care of her for 4 years with my dad. She was my person. I  went to her for everything. I really don't know how to live without her. Everybody tells me that it gets easier and that it won't hurt as much but I'm not sure if this makes sense but I really don't want to learn to live without her. She was my rock. I do not have any siblings. I will never feel that immense love that my mother gave me. She was a good person and I'm happy she's not suffering anymore but I still miss her so much. 

[Leej]

There are no words I can write to lessen your pain. My mother was my closest friend so I can relate to your feelings. It takes time to heal from a broken heart. Sorry for your loss! It sounds like your mom was a very special person. 

[Leigh]

Thank you so much LeeJ.  It's nice to hear from people who can relate to the type of relationship I had with my mom. I'm sorry for your loss as well!

[Paulinet Angela]

My father was also 64 when he passed. I try not to question the world or my faith because I know our parents wouldn't have wanted that for us. But it still doesn't take away the pain. He was my world too. I also grew up as an only child, and he raised me by himself. I know what it feels like to have your whole world come crashing down in a second. Hold onto your fondest memories with your mother. Love knows no death. 

[cloudyday]

Leigh I took care of my mother off and on also for close to two years. She was in her late 60's. I have lost both parents now and my brother has checked out so I too feel very alone. I never expected to feel so alone and by myself. I thought things would go differently. I thought my brother would be there when my parents were gone. I thought my parents would live to be much older. *hugs* to all who are enduring such pain.