Pregnant and widowed

[NatalieDols]

On July 16, my husband and I found out that we were having our second baby. We were shocked and elated. We cried and kissed and felt happy and hopeful. Two days later, on July 18, I was wondering why he wasn’t answering my calls. That evening, with my one year old daughter in my arms, I answered the door to two policemen telling me that my husband was killed earlier that day in a truck accident. 
I am shocked that I lived through that moment, and that night, and all of the days following. I somehow managed to feed my daughter, bathe her, put her to bed.... wake up the next morning and each morning since and take care of her... plan his funeral service, all the while thinking that we should be planning the pregnancy. Somehow I have managed every day for over a month. But as the initial numbness and shock wear off, I am faced with overwhelming feelings of anger and sadness. I am a Christian, and so was my husband... but I am questioning God’s goodness and love and timing. I can’t understand why God would allow this to happen. He was young-35, health, happy... just starting his journey as a dad. I’m not sure how It is possible to be pregnant while grieving this loss, and I don’t know how I am going to do this without him. I really need support, someone who can tell me they have been through grief this intense, and somehow made it through.

[jwahlquist]

6 minutes ago, NatalieDols said:

On July 16, my husband and I found out that we were having our second baby. We were shocked and elated. We cried and kissed and felt happy and hopeful. Two days later, on July 18, I was wondering why he wasn’t answering my calls. That evening, with my one year old daughter in my arms, I answered the door to two policemen telling me that my husband was killed earlier that day in a truck accident. 
I am shocked that I lived through that moment, and that night, and all of the days following. I somehow managed to feed my daughter, bathe her, put her to bed.... wake up the next morning and each morning since and take care of her... plan his funeral service, all the while thinking that we should be planning the pregnancy. Somehow I have managed every day for over a month. But as the initial numbness and shock wear off, I am faced with overwhelming feelings of anger and sadness. I am a Christian, and so was my husband... but I am questioning God’s goodness and love and timing. I can’t understand why God would allow this to happen. He was young-35, health, happy... just starting his journey as a dad. I’m not sure how It is possible to be pregnant while grieving this loss, and I don’t know how I am going to do this without him. I really need support, someone who can tell me they have been through grief this intense, and somehow made it through.

((HUGS))

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can only begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you. I understand questioning the why.  I have asked myself the same thing since February when my husband died.  So far no answer has been given.   I have honestly given up expecting it to make sense and just accept what it is.  I know that the autopilot feeling isn’t great but it allows us to exist.  I drove myself and my daughter home from the hospital after my husband passed away.  I have no idea how we made it home but we did.  One thing I learned was not to be afraid to ask for help.  Friends and family want to help but they don’t always know what you need.  
 

I will keep you in my thoughts.   

[Gail 8588]

Natalie, 

I am so very sorry for your loss. There is no answer to the question why.  It is terribly unfair and wrong that your husband is gone.

My heart goes out to you as you struggle to  get through each day. 

I hope you have family or friends that can help you and your daughter.

Try to take some comfort in your faith.  Talk with your pastor. Accept help that is offered.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Gail

[KayC]

I am so sorry!  I can't imagine going through this just when you happily learned about your pregnancy.  Try not to worry about your feelings (about God), they are natural...I was always an avid pray-er but when I lost my husband (15 years ago) I felt God was a million miles away.  It's common to ask why...and hear no resounding answer.  Honestly, if He did try to explain it to me, I don't think I could get it.  It's not uncommon to feel adrift as we can't see through our fog of grief, at this point I doubt you can feel much beyond your shock and pain.

I wrote this article a few years ago of what I'd found helpful.and I hope something in it will help you today and other things later on in your journey.  It's not a one size fits all, just suggestions to consider at some point over the years.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Lars M]

Natalie: I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife of 30 years on the same day July 18th 2020 a day we will never forget. I too had to question why and I am still mad but that's okay God knows this. I pray for your peace of mind.  

[Rhonda R]

Natalie -

When I hear about stories like yours, I feel bad for feeling bad for myself.  None of this has ever made sense to me and never will.  That's one of the hardest parts.  I had only been with my husband for 8 years when I lost him to cancer.  It just wasn't enough time and I realize now, 40 years wouldn't have been enough time.  Time does not equate to the bond between you or the love you felt for each other.  I can't imagine the overwhelming drop you felt going from the pregnancy to getting the news.  To be honest, I'm amazed that you have done as well as you have but I think that is a testament to the love you have for your daughter and new baby.  You have to keep going for them. 

It just so happens that a co-worker of mine is going to the funeral of his best friend's nephew today.  This young man was a D1 basketball player, had graduated college and landed his dream job at IBM.  He had gotten married and had a 1 year old child.  He was 29 years old and collapsed in his home and died.  I know how very alone you feel right now and that's why I am sharing this story.  You are not alone.  Somewhere out there, someone shares a similar story. 

I know anger, I think it's the only thing that kept me going for the first 6 months.  It's energy, so don't feel bad about it.  As for God, I really lost my faith and haven't quite made peace with that one myself.  Everyone tells me that's okay, he can take my anger.  So I will tell you the same, it's okay, he can take your anger.  The best advice I got was to not think about the future and live day to day or moment to moment, if necessary.  When the shock wears off, it does hurt like h***.  On your darkest days, just try to remember that nothing lasts forever, even if it feels like it will.  Grief changes over time.  It never goes away but you somehow learn how to live with it or better yet, around it. 

For now, anything and everything you accomplish is amazing.  I remember my life shattering like a broken mirror around my feet and thinking, how am I ever going to put all this back together?  It is literally one piece at a time.  Grief takes time.  I takes the support of family and friends.  It takes the support of co-workers and other spouses who have lost the love of their life.  For me, it also took a really good therapist that I still see once a month and depression medications.  Don't be afraid to reach out for any and all help you can.  It seems like when you don't, the people around you who can't begin to comprehend your loss, think you are doing okay or you just want to be left alone. 

I wish for you that you didn't have to be here.  But since I can't change your circumstances, I'm glad you found your way here.  We will support you as best we can. 

Big hugs and tears for you,

Rhonda