Empty Inside

[KerriW]

I’m new to this site. Not sure where to begin. I lost my life partner of 21 years, as well as a special friend for 40 years. Chris left this earth on Saturday April 11th 2020 of an accidental fentanyl overdose. He was next to me when I awoke from a nap, I found him, tried to save his life. It was the most traumatic experience of my life. The memory of that night will haunt me forever. We were inseparable and had some kind of magic and connection that was a gift and so grateful for. My family and most of my friends have never lost a partner, they are supportive but they just don’t understand how I feel. Miss him, us, our life. I’m scared of what’s to come for me. Been isolating myself, which isn’t good for me. Just wanted to share my loss and hopefully find comfort in others experiences 

[Yoli]

Everyone here knows and feels your pain Kerri. If pure love could bring back each and every one of our loves they would be right by our sides today.

[Gail 8588]

Kerri,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Our circumstances may be different, but the heartbreaking loss of our true love is traumatic and devastating for each of us. Empty, disconnected, lost, angry, guilt ridden, we have all felt this way.   I am so sorry you have joined our group on this unwanted journey of grief. 

Please come back and vent, share, or just read. You are not alone.  

Gail

[tlc]

Kerri,

I lost my soul mate of 21 years on April 11th, 2018. He lost his battle with cancer after nine years of tests, procedures, drugs, radiation and chemo. His poor body just couldn't take any more. He died in our bed, in my arms and I have never recovered. It was the worst pain I have ever experienced and ever will experience.  I never will recover but for some reason or other each morning I wake up. I am so sorry for your loss. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss!  Welcome here, I'm glad you found us, it helps to be able to express yourself to others that get it.  My family hasn't experienced this either and as much as they care about me, cannot possibly know what it's like.  It's been 15 years for me and the shock is behind me, but I continue to love and miss him each and every day of my life.

I wrote this a few years ago of the things I've found helpful over the years, with hopes that you find something helpful now, maybe something else further on in your journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[bibi]

Oh Kerri. My deepest sympathy and empathy. I lost my partner suddenly less than four months ago. Every day is meaningless and scary. The death of our partner flings us unprepared into the unknown. And here we all are sharing and understanding this terrible thing. It is hard to think of so many suffering out there but it does make you feel less alone.