Pamela

[fourforfore]

Overwhelming sense of loss, nearly 32 years of life sharing & 4 years of caregiving has ended. Now the challenge is to "move on". Seems impossible

[KayC]

We don't "move on."  Instead we learn to adjust, little by little to the changes it means for our lives.

Welcome here, I am truly sorry for your loss.  It does help to be able to express yourself with others that get it.

I wrote this article a few years back of the things I'd found helpful over the years (it's been 15 years since my sweet husband passed suddenly and way too young).  I hope something in it is of help to you today or perhaps tomorrow.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[4cats2go]

My husband is gone one month today.  I read something in that last few weeks describing it as a reorganization not as moving on.  That made sense to me, moving on is harsh, reorg may be manageable in time.  Read as much as you can in blogs like this.  It helps tremendously to know you're not alone and others get it.  Hope this helps.

[Gail 8588]

Fourforfore,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Now is the time to mourn.

Rest if you can. Accept support from others when it is offered.  Four years of caregiving is emotionally and physically exhausting. Losing your life partner is heartbreaking. Allow yourself time to grieve in whatever ways feel comforting to you.

There will be time later to find your path forward. 

Peace

Gail

[fourforfore]

There will be time later to find your path forward, thanx Gail that resonates clear for me. Now mourn, just mourn and give thanx for memories and the path forward on the horizon

[KayC]

6 hours ago, MikeyD said:

People say get an animal but depending the stage of your life you don't need something to tie you down.

Everyone will feel different about this, it's a suggestion, not suggested to be ideal for everyone.

[Missy1]

I also wonder to myself what is left for me in this life, this is it. Forgotten by all, i feel like an insignificant spect of dust, floating in the wind.

Every day, alone, no joy, no hopes, no dreams; I to have lost my reason to live. I see my perspective and personality have changed, I was bubbly, vibrant and always laughing, now sullen, quiet and introverted, emotionally numb. 

 

[fourforfore]

Missy,  We can mourn, we can grieve, and we can do what you have just done and shared your pain. I feel your pain, oh my God I feel your pain. My daughter said "It's hard to be strong and sad". I am now going to end this letter and pray that God may grant you the strength to be strong and sad. Thank you for sharing, sincerely Doug

[Gail 8588]

Missy, 

The first year is so hard.  That is why is is good to just focus on getting through this day, this hour, the next 10 minutes.

Any sort of positive future is so hard to imagine right now.  Give yourself time.  Just stay alive for now.  Fake it sometimes, pretend to be happy. Go through the motion of feeling alive. 

Grief does become less painful as the years pass.  I can actually imagine being truly happy sometime in the future. That may not sound like much, but for a very long time I could not even imagine ever being happy. 

We don't know what is in store for us in this life.  The only way to find out is to just keep breathing. 

Sending you strength to keep going on this journey. 

Gail

 

[fourforfore]

Thank you Gail! Sage is your friend, valuable tool you have shared for Missy (me too)

[Missy1]

Thank you both! It’s hard to see anything through the tears and pain. I wish you all Peace. 
 

[Gail 8588]

Fourforfore,

You are so early in this process. It is hard to find solid ground to stand on. The universe is shattered.

How are people still walking around, mowing grass, walking dogs, living as if nothing is different?  For you, the earth is out of it's orbit, time has stopped. Nothing makes sense, nothing is right or normal.

Right now you need to try to remember to eat, occasionally shower, and sleep whenever you can get that blessed relief. 

Finding your way back to the world will come later. 

Hugs. 

Gail

 

[Yoli]

Missy, your post reflects how I am feeling right now and most of this week actually. It seems to be getting harder to face each new day.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Fake it sometimes

 

11 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Any sort of positive future is so hard to imagine right now.  Give yourself time.  Just stay alive for now. 

Reminds me of the saying "Fake it until you make it."  Not that we can't let down our hair to some, hopefully everyone has someone they can share their real feelings with, even if they don't truly get it, if they're willing to listen, it helps.  But I have to live in the "one day at a time."  And also look for something good...anything!  No matter how small, good is not insignificant, even if minute.  So important to stay alive (hang in there) until we CAN see it becoming more manageable or adjust to our circumstances or change them somewhat.  We honestly can't see any of that in the beginning, all we see is woe and dread.    "Hang in there" came to take on a whole new meaning to me, after loss.

[Missy1]

The feelings we are experiencing are very complicated, for me there seems to be a blurry line about what really matters. Being together is all that matters to me, I no longer feel that my place is here among the living without him.

I have an overwhelming need to be wherever my husband is no matter where that is. This life now seems absurd and pointless. It’s a constant river of new emotions most of us have never dealt with! It’s very stressful, confusing and painful for all of us no matter how long it’s been. I am reminded that we need to stay strong and keep on the path, nothing lasts forever...

[fourforfore]

We  can mourn, we  can remember so many shared times to smile about. Gail kinda got me to thinking about just mourning and there will be time for a path forward later. I just feel your pain Missy and it just sucks! Took a walk again tonight, sure helps. 

[Beverly Graham]

Going on 7 weeks since my fiancé left, and it's only gotten worse for me. I cook, clean, care for my son, go grocery shopping...and I trudge along like I'm half dead. Everything in my life has changed, I'm not the same person any more. I get very little sleep, because no matter how sleepy I am, I just can't sleep like before. Every morning when I wake up, my heart starts to race and I'm overcome with emptiness and longing. I never knew that this kind of pain even existed before...many times I feel like I can't go on any more, and I hope to not wake up.

[Gail 8588]

Missy, Beverly, and so many others,

I remember so clearly those feelings of just wanting to die and be with him.  My bond to my husband was so much stronger than my bond to everything else in life combined.  My children, grandchildren, siblings, friends, the world, all felt very distant and unconnected to me.  The only thing I felt connected to was my spouse.

My experience is that it does get better with time.  I do actually feel joy at times now.  I still miss my husband, but my connection to him is no longer the only thing I feel. 

Gail

[KayC]

Beverly, I remember feeling like the walking dead.  You will likely engage with life again but I can't say when...