I Need Someone to Talk To

[court_ney]

Hi everyone, 

This is my first time posting. I lost my mom on February 28, 2017. She had been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in May 2011. I was scared throughout her diagnosis and I would celebrate good test results with a shopping outing (a pastime we loved together). I would cry and listen to "Live Like You Were Dying" while she was awaiting test results and when I was driving by myself or having a particularly hard time dealing with her diagnosis I would listen to "Let it Be," as my way of trying to mentally prepare myself for what was to come. And what I thought was to come was the cancer causing her to go on hospice. In January of 2016, the breast cancer spread to her brain. She had five brain tumors and when she went in for that first operation, she came out of it looking so small. It looked like the bed had swallowed her- and my mom was not a tiny woman, either. She couldn't open her eyes or speak and when I'd visit after work, I'd only stay for a couple of minutes so she could get her rest. I just wanted her to know I was there, that she wasn't alone, that she was okay. Once she was to be released from the hospital, she was going to be moving to a rehab center. Me, my dad and my then-fiance sat in the waiting room and my dad and I thought that she woman she once was was gone. We thought she wouldn't be able to work, drive, or even communicate. And wouldn't you know, that woman was lifted down from the ambulance, waving her arms and chatting up the medics? My dad and I just looked at her, smiling because she did a 180 of who she was the day before. Even in the rehab, I'd visit and she'd complain about her roommate. It sounds "mean" but she just had this wildly vibrant and fierce personality. I thought, "okay, things are going to be alright." 

She went into the hospital two more times for brain surgeries, both of which never happened because the steroids shrunk the tumors. The first time it happened, we were all relieved. The second time it happened, we were all angry. My mom had been seeing an oncologist that me and my father were never big fans of. His demeanor was very, "I don't know, let's find out," and when we were dealing with a diagnosis that scared us as much as this one, we wanted answers and honesty, not light humor and games. My dad and I had urged my mother to go see the Cancer Centers of America and when her second brain surgery was canceled, she finally agreed to do it. The surgeon said the tumors were too small to operate on but yet, my mother was unable to work, to walk, to drive. She was dizzy all the time. She couldn't cook or read or do anything except for watch Everybody Loves Raymond and King of Queens reruns in her bed. She complained about it. She complained about her boring her life was. So to hear someone say they couldn't fix it, it upset us all. She died a week later. 

The night before my mother died, I was on the phone with her while I drove home from work. This was normal, we talked all the time, everyday, sometimes multiple times a day. I had recently quit my job as a Recruiter and was fortunate enough to land a job as a front desk receptionist where my mom worked. For years, my mother knew how unhappy I was at my job and tried to persuade me to work with her. I was always against it, mainly because my mom was super protective over me. She once got me fired from Macy's because I had complained to her that my boss was mean to me over needing a break due to my back injury and she confronted her while I was on the clock. It sounds extreme and yes, I'm sure it probably was but my mom always wanted what was right for me. She had my back and if she thought anyone hurt me, it was like that person was hurting her. I was her baby, regardless of how old I got. So, I told her that it wasn't a good idea for me to work with her for that reason; if I was in a spat with a co-worker, my God, it'd be the end, lol. She laughed and made some jokes and we went from there. So, when I got hired by her company, my mom was currently out on disability. I promised her that I would work there for one year as to not harm her reputation. 

So the night before she died, I was on the phone with her talking about work and by this time, because of how much her and my dad needed money, she was going back to work in a week. The conversation was great. Out of nowhere, she had started talking about how much she loved me and how me and her had always had the closest of close relationships. She said that from the moment she held me in her arms, she was hooked. Of course, then she talked about how she worried I wouldn't like my kids because I'm not a baby person. I laughed and said "I'm sure it'll be fine," before talking about wanting to visit Salem during the spooky season, how much I wanted a godiva milkshake and how she was coming along painting the deck my dad was building for her. She had just finished staining it earlier that day. Before we hung up, she asked me to send her a picture of the new Tinkerbell scrubs I had worn that day. I said I would and we hung up as soon as my husband got home. The last words we ever exchanged with each other were "I love you," and "I love you, too." The next morning, around 7:00am just as I was about to leave for work, I had a missed call from my dad. He was crying and a police officer got on the phone and said, "Do you have someone to drive you?" I couldn't think and thought I kept hearing in the background, "she got out, she got out." My fiance grabbed the phone to talk to the cop and we raced to my parents' house, not knowing what was happening. I kept thinking my mom was hit by a car. Maybe she lost a leg or an arm. Maybe she had been hit so bad she has brain damage. And that was okay, that's okay, as long as she's alive. As long as she's alive, I don't care about the condition. Our car, which had been driving around perfectly fine for years, broke down on the side of the highway. The engine died. My fiance called my dad to tell him what happened and that we were going to have to wait for a tow and that's how we found out. I watched as my fiance lower his head toward the steering wheel and say, "No, she doesn't know." There's a weird moment that happens right before you learn that someone you love is dead. It's like an alternate reality, like you know that something's going to happen and you feel utterly powerless to stop it. He hung up the phone and I looked at him and asked, "My mother's dead, isn't she?" My fiance broke out in sobs and said, "I'm so sorry." All I could think to do was text people. I texted my friends, "my mom's dead," just so casually. Everyone was in shock. The police officer who was at my parents' house came and picked me up and she apologized to me for the loss. I sat there in the passenger seat, saying "it's fine, she's no longer suffering." I was in complete and absolute shock. I was so numb that it came off as indifference. 

A lot has happened since then that will all sooner or later get their own posts, I'm sure. But, I wanted to give some background on myself and what I've been through because I need someone to talk to who has been there, who has experienced loss and knows that for some reason, mornings are the worst. Because of how young I was when the loss occurred, no one in my friend group can relate. My dad can relate but he lost his partner and he is more of a "black and white" thinker than a "shades of gray" emotional one like me. My husband has both of his parents and even my mother-in-law, who I'm not the closest with, still has both of her parents in her 60s (in good health, too). I feel alone. And I tend to keep so much bottled up and I'm realizing how unhealthy that is. I want to get better because I don't want this loss to define me but I feel so empty, so hopeless. I've gone to therapy and it's been such a struggle to find someone who can genuinely help. The last therapist I tried out spent half the session asking about my first marriage and freaking out over the fact that I didn't have a checkbook on me, only a credit card, to pay for the session. I felt like a number instead of a client. I want a friend who can listen and encourage and help who's been there or going through the same thing. 

I don't want to ruin my life. 

[reader]

 Dear Courtney,

 I’m very sorry for your loss. And for everything you’ve gone through with your mother. It is important to find the right person to talk to. For myself I found this website called Grief in Common very helpful. The creator of the side is a grief coach and runs personal counselling and support groups. Another website called the grief healing blog might also be another source of additional support. Thanking of you during this very difficult time.

[cloudyday]

Court_ney, the nights are the hardest for me. Probably because I took care of my mom and gave myself comfort in hearing her breathe at night. I understand that feeling that no one gets it. I feel that way. No one understands my pain, my loss, my loneliness. I hope that somehow the presence of your husband at night gives you comfort. I got a dog to help me through the nights. But that pain, the loss, the loneliness. Maybe right now it's harder. All I now is how much I hurt. How lonely I feel. How all encompassing it is. Your mornings are my nights. I understand.