Doc

[BBB]

I'm starting to think that I need a shrink. I get up and throughout the day, I just dont care about anything. I don't see the point in living anymore. Now, yes I know many of you say that you're here for your kids or other reasons but my kids are grown. If I'm no longer here, yes they'll miss me but they have partners, they have their own lives. They get all of my money. I just don't want to live without my partner. I don't see the point.

 

[ThereIsAField]

Sounds like a good idea. Have you googled ones nearby? Going to take the leap and call to make an appointment?

[BBB]

Looking around for them today

 

[jwahlquist]

Therapy can be helpful.   It took me a few therapists before I found one I liked and that I could work with.   So don’t give up if the first person you see doesn’t work for you.  
 

You might also see your doctor and talk to them about how you are feeling.  
 

Wishing you some peace today

[KayC]

I might be feeling the same if not for Kodie.  I've worked so hard at rebuilding my life over the years, making friends, etc., and now with COVID it feels back to square one.  I feel Kodie deserves to live a good long life and he's really wormed his way into my heart, I'm sure that was why my son brought him to me.  I don't hear from my kids much nor my friends either anymore.  This pandemic is getting old.

I think it's good that you're seeking some help.  It's so important to have something to look forward to and right now few of us have that.  Any survival skills we can glean are to be coveted!

[Gail 8588]

BBB,

I also felt completely disconnected from life after my husband's death.  Nothing mattered. I had no fear of pain, because I was already in so much pain and anguish, nothing could hurt me more.

In our life together, my husband and I were environmentalists. We saw the amazing beauty in everything from whales to mites, sunrise to star gazing, water, earth and fire. It was all miraculous. 

In my grief I could not perceive any beauty. I was under such an oppressive veil of loss, I had no connection with the physical world.  Even my boys could not reach me, as I felt so guilty that I had let their wonderful dad die. 

But deep in the back of my brain, I did remember that the world used to be beautiful.  I would often phrase my grief journey as trying to find my way back to the world.

It has been a struggle for me, but I am getting back, slowly.  Some antidepressant medication has helped. Time has helped. Kay's tip of specifically looking for some small joy each day, has helped.

I have also come to realize that my being alive is actually important to my boys.  They are grown adults and are both self-sufficient, so they are not dependent on me for anything.  But when they have done something at work or home that they are proud of, they call me and I listen, ask questions, and tell them how very proud I am of them. If they have  a set back or disappointment, I listen and empathize.  And this actually enriches their lives.  I listen to them. I care.  It doesn't sound like much,  but actually is really is important.

There are things that in our society you can't generally talk about, but you can tell your mom or dad. It's weird and inappropriate bragging to talk about a raise you got  - but your parent will share your joy. When you suffer a loss, and we all know life can bring you losses, words of support from a parent can help a lot. Especially a parent who has a deeper understanding of loss.

So, BBB it's not true your adult children don't need you. You still can play an important role in their lives.  If they have kids, your role as a grandparent is also important.

So I also encourage you to find a therapist you can work with, talk to your doctor about your depression, and keep working at finding your way back to the world.  It really is an amazing place. 

Peace,

Gail

[widower2]

13 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

You might also see your doctor and talk to them about how you are feeling.  

I respectfully disagree. General practitioners are good at physical ailments, not emotional ones. Unless of course you're going to ask for drugs.  

I would also look for a grief therapist, not a garden variety psychologist. That was huge for me. There are also probably groups that meet in or nearby your area that you might want to check out. Sometimes they are even free.

[jwahlquist]

26 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I respectfully disagree. General practitioners are good at physical ailments, not emotional ones. Unless of course you're going to ask for drugs.  

I would also look for a grief therapist, not a garden variety psychologist. That was huge for me. There are also probably groups that meet in or nearby your area that you might want to check out. Sometimes they are even free.

I meant for prescriptions.  Plus there are certain Insurances  that require referrals for anything outside of your primary care doctor.   

[widower2]

? Prescriptions for what?

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

General practitioners are good at physical ailments, not emotional ones.

I'd been with mine for years plus I'd worked for him for several years so I knew him both personally and professionally, and he was great.  He told me to call him day or night (I already had his number committed to memory).  I was very disheartened a few years later when he had to give up his practice.  I remembered he'd offered me sleep aids but I'd declined, thinking it a temporary solution to a permanent problem, but I think I made it all the harder on myself.  Years later I AM on what he recommended and intend to stay on them if need be, it's hard to function without sleep.

No matter who your doctor is, it's definitely good to let them know that this is going on in your life, it explains a lot.  Besides, they just might have some good suggestions.  And they can refer you for counseling, which might be helpful with your insurance.  (I had to pay out of my own pocket for mine way back when.)

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

I would also look for a grief therapist, not a garden variety psychologist.

ABSOLUTELY!   

[widower2]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

No matter who your doctor is, it's definitely good to let them know that this is going on in your life, it explains a lot.  Besides, they just might have some good suggestions.  And they can refer you for counseling, which might be helpful with your insurance.  (I had to pay out of my own pocket for mine way back when.)

I'm so glad you had a great doctor, and I did not mean to imply that never should you approach your GP or that none of them could be helpful; it was a general statement. I'm not saying it's bad or inadvisable per se, but I respectfully disagree that one necessarily "should" do this. I did not nor would I ever, even though I have a good one, and for the same reason basically that I would not let a psychologist know that I had a gimpy knee. It's simply not their area of expertise. In fact at this point I would guess that I have more knowledge about this than most GPs do, though I'm not claiming to be any "expert." 

[jwahlquist]

20 hours ago, widower2 said:

? Prescriptions for what?

Depression, anxiety & insomnia 

[KayC]

I think it's always good to let your doctor know about relevant things going on in your life and losing your spouse is a definite qualifier!  But I agree with widower2 in that doctors aren't usually trained in grief and don't know how to address it.  There's some exceptions, of course, like with everything.

For instance, here's an article about clinical depression vs grief symptoms of depression.
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/06/voices-of-experience-grief-and.html

[Herguy]

I started in a grief support group this week because I realized I'm just not able to cope by myself. Nothing is in person anymore but an online meeting was better than nothing at all. It was sponsored by a "community not for profit" hospice organization and they tried to be accommodating. The group is free to join and after the first meeting, I'm not certain that it's for me. We'll see

After participating I was offered 6 "one on one" sessions either on line or on the telephone, also free of charge. So there may be avenues out there that won't break the bank or involve insurance. Hope it works for you. Good luck 

[KayC]

It's good you're giving it a go, I hope you can get something from it.  No, not the same as in person, at all, but as you say, better than nothing.  Blast this COVID!!!

[widower2]

On 9/3/2020 at 9:59 PM, jwahlquist said:

Depression, anxiety & insomnia 

I realize it's easy for me to say this, but I don't think the answer to depression, anxiety and/or insomnia due to grief are drugs. 

Said the guy who drank like a fish for the first year or so after his loss. Not speaking from any ivory tower.

It's just a dicey thing...

 

[Gail 8588]

I think medications can be very helpful. Particularly when you are unable to sleep properly. Self medicating with alcohol may achieve some of the same results (allowing you to sleep) but alcohol is a depressant that is likely less helpful in allowing you to feel better.

 I was reluctant to ask for medication (I should be strong enough to get through this on my own) but after 2 years of grief and still only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night I finally asked for help. 

 Not being exhausted improves your over all outlook on life. 

 I am sure it's not for everyone. Just sharing my experience. 

 Gail

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I think medications can be very helpful. Particularly when you are unable to sleep properly. Self medicating with alcohol may achieve some of the same results (allowing you to sleep) but alcohol is a depressant that is likely less helpful in allowing you to feel better.

 I was reluctant to ask for medication (I should be strong enough to get through this on my own) but after 2 years of grief and still only sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night I finally asked for help. 

 Not being exhausted improves your over all outlook on life. 

 I am sure it's not for everyone. Just sharing my experience. 

 Gail

Yes!   Sleep is essential.   I know that the Trazadone has helped me get enough sleep to be functional.  I had insomnia before my husband passed away so I wasn’t surprised when it got worse afterwards.  

 

10 hours ago, widower2 said:

I realize it's easy for me to say this, but I don't think the answer to depression, anxiety and/or insomnia due to grief are drugs. 

Said the guy who drank like a fish for the first year or so after his loss. Not speaking from any ivory tower.

It's just a dicey thing...

 

Well my doctor seemed to think it was less dicey to prescribe medication than have me trying to kill myself.  Also at 42, I had to be able to return to work at some point.   I have a rather high stress job so being unstable was not an option.  I don’t drink as alcoholism runs in my family.  

[widower2]

I regret if my answer came off wrong. I wasn't saying drugs can never be useful or advisable, at least in the short term. I hope he finds something that works for you to help you get through the toughest of days.

[KayC]

The article I posted above addresses clinical depression vs depressive symptoms due to grief.