Loss of my mother

[Jb87]

On May 11, 2020 I drove to see my mom for Mother’s Day for the first time since the pandemic started. I tried to distance myself due to her compromised immune system. We talked, laughed, made plans for the holidays early like we always did, and I invited her to my house that Friday to have an outdoor movie night in the backyard. It was just like every other day with my best friend. I spoke with her daily; sometimes a few times a day and usually always around 8am. On May 13, 2020 I spoke with my mom in the evening and made sure she still wanted to come on Friday. She happily  agreed and I hung up the phone. I didn’t realize that would be the last time I would ever talk to her. 

May 14,2020 was a complete blur. I tried to call my mom around 8:10 when she didn’t call at 8... I tried several times. Then the worst thing anyone could ever imagine happened. I got a call from my sister... she was hysterically screaming that my mother was on fire... now anyone with common sense would think what? How? 

I ran to my car and made the 25 minute drive to the hospital. When I arrived I was too late. She was gone. The doctors urged me to not view her due to the unsightly damage that was done. That was it. My mother was gone. That fast.
Obviously I wanted to know what happened and my sister said a neighbor watched her go out into the yard, dump lighter fluid on her head, lit a lighter, and go up in flames. No one heard screaming from her at all. I guess she didn’t even move. The only screams were from people trying to put her out. My sister said when she arrived my mom was laying on the ground and a priest who lived down the road was there praying with her as long as she could talk.

 
This is so hard to understand. We had tests done to see if she was on any medication that would have caused something to happen, if there was something that happened in her brain to trigger this... and we just came up empty. There was no medical explanation except that she wanted to do this. I have never dealt with this type of thing before. I have been in counseling for the last few months but I wanted to reach out to a group that maybe has been through something similar. I don’t know where to begin with the grieving process. It’s so much to take in. I feel like I have all this unwanted anxiety that I never had before. 

[Leej]

Sorry for your loss! Sometimes there are no answers to the reasons people decide to end their lives. I know this must be extremely painful and difficult to understand. My father passed away August 23, 2020 and my mom passed fourteen years ago. 

[reader]

 I’m so sorry for your loss. It is extremely hard to understand what led up to her passing. It is a terrible shock.  Part of the grieving process is going over and over again what happened. I know this happened with myself. Four years later I still struggle.  Hopefully there is a support group through the community or at church that will help. I hope you can find another counsellor to talk with about what happened. Thinking of you and your family.

[cloudyday]

Wow, reader, your comment. Going over and over. I lost my mother 1 1/2 years ago to brain cancer and all the events and problems and awful things that happened. My brain hashes and rehashes. I thought that was my personality. That processing and re-processing...it's hard. When I am sad or feeling bad, I have more of that. Thanks for letting me know I'm normal. JB87 so so sorry for your loss, your pain, your anxiety.