Lost husband to covid.

[Dd156]

My husband caught covid from me. I feel so much guilt as he was always so careful.  We were together 8 years. He was the most loving,  considerate and caring man. 

I'm 30 and widowed twice.  My first husband passed away only a few days into our marriage. 

I have two step children aged 10 and 12 but they are with their maternal grandmother now. 

Have nothing to look forward to.

I used to live in the UK with him but now moved back to live with my parents abroad. 

[Herguy]

I can understand your feelings of guilt. I too passed the virus to my partner who wasn't strong enough to beat it. Although tested, it took 9 days for the results, but we both knew what we were dealing with. As I got better she developed symptoms. There's no easy way to put the guilt out of your mind but in my case the loss itself far outweighs the circumstance. I'll pray for your continued strength. Remember the positives, it helps me. 

[Maria_PI]

Sending you both virtual hugs! Millions of them! I know the journey ahead is a very painful one, I am on it that’s why I am here. But we can walk through it together and help each other put one foot in front of the other one step at a time...As they say “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”. You both beat the dreaded virus, and that’s something. You can also make that count. Life throws challenges at us, that’s what makes it so special. (((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

@Dd156  I am so sorry!  This is the most horrific year, it feels like something out of sci-fi but it's a reality we can't get away from or wake up from.  I'm so sorry you lost your spouse and @Herguy also.  I am glad you have your folks with you as support.  I responded to Herguy in another thread, but I also want to leave you my "Tips" article, these were things I've found helpful over the years and I hope something will resonate with you...any help we can get!

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Dd156]

6 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

Sending you both virtual hugs! Millions of them! I know the journey ahead is a very painful one, I am on it that’s why I am here. But we can walk through it together and help each other put one foot in front of the other one step at a time...As they say “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”. You both beat the dreaded virus, and that’s something. You can also make that count. Life throws challenges at us, that’s what makes it so special. (((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

My husband died from covid...he did not recover. 

I recovered. I feel extremely guilty. 

15 hours ago, Herguy said:

I can understand your feelings of guilt. I too passed the virus to my partner who wasn't strong enough to beat it. 

Thank you 

25 minutes ago, KayC said:

@Dd156  I am so sorry!  This is the most horrific year, it feels like something out of sci-fi but it's a reality we can't get away from or wake up from.  I'm so sorry you lost your spouse and @Herguy also.  I am glad you have your folks with you as support.  I

Thank you 

[Dd156]

6 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

Sending you both virtual hugs! Millions of them! I know the journey ahead is a very painful one, I am on it that’s why I am here. But we can walk through it together and help each other put one foot in front of the other one step at a time...As they say “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger”. You both beat the dreaded virus, and that’s something. You can also make that count. Life throws challenges at us, that’s what makes it so special. (((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

I think I did not explain it well....my husband did not beat the virus. He never recovered. 

[Maria_PI]

@Dd156, I am sorry for the misunderstanding, I meant yourself and Herguy, who also said he felt guilty for passing the virus to his wife. What I meant to say is that it wasn't your fault that you got the virus in the first place, it's not like it is something you can see and avoid. Therefore there is no guilt that you passed it on to your spouses. It could have been the other way about. And you and Herguy recovered, meaning you beat the virus, also you can use this to help others now. Where I live they are inviting blood donations from people who recovered from covid to help save others. 

I am sorry if my comment gave you more grief, I did not mean it that way.

[Dd156]

My husband was a mental health professional.  During the  lockdown he helped a seriously mentally ill friend get to the airport in his car. Someone reported him because he was with a person of a different household. He was dismissed for gross misconduct just before he died. He cared for his reputation but looking after people was most important to him.

[KayC]

@Dd156  I am so sorry that happened to him.  He sounds like a truly lovely person.