How to respond to "How are you?"

[4cats2go]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago tomorrow.  Reading through this blog is helpful, I'm not alone, the things I'm feeling are normal.  Not that I know what normal is anymore.  My question is how do you respond to people who ask how you are?   I've always believed people ask how you are as a social nicety.  Most people don't really want to know how you are, they're more interested in telling you how they are.  Now the question of How are you? is worse.  I don't know what to say other than terrible and then folks will try to help me solve my problem.  UGH!!!  Any suggestions that will help deflect this most awful of questions?

[Maria_PI]

Yes, that dreaded pointless question when people know you are not ok. I’ve been grappling with how to respond since my husband passed away 3 months ago, and all I can give as advice is depends on who’s asking. If you think people are genuinely interested to hear the answer or actually help, be honest. Like close friends and family. But for me, colleagues who are just asking out of courtesy and because they have to say something, I’ll spare them the embarrassment and myself the pain of having to endure a fake exchange. “I’m ok, how about you.” Notice the full stop, not the question mark. Maybe I would be coming across as rude, but right now I don’t care if I will hurt someone’s feelings, cause my feelings are in shambles. I am also astonished at the younger generation, the texting people. Had an exchange with his estranged daughter who broke his heart and caused him so much pain and misery till the very end. Sending me a text “How you doing” No name, no nothing. I said “I’m ok how about you?” Long silence. I then proceed to ask if this text was meant for me so that prompted some weird excuse that she was too busy to type much more. Well, why even bother? I didn’t say that but was so tempted. Sorry I am venting here but I get triggered by this question from people whom I know don’t care. I’d rather them not even call.
I am so sorry for your loss, it must be still so raw for you, it’s good that you found this site, it has helped me a lot. Especially with the gut wrenching survivors guilt and pain. It does get easier to get used to it with time, I think...

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[jwahlquist]

My response has always been, “Alive and breathing”.   I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable as I do not exist solely to have small talk to make others happy.  My family knows how I am doing for the most part.   My friends I am honest with.   Everyone else I don’t truly care so they get my standard response.  

[Gail 8588]

For people who are just trying to be polite, I would often respond "As well as can be expected under the circumstances."

With true friends who are actually trying to be caring, my most common response was, and still is "I am trying to find a way to live without him." 

[KayC]

It's been 15 years for me but I answered one of the two above answers.  However, I FELT like answering something snarky, like "How the Hell do you THINK I'm doing!"  I'm glad I didn't, people mean well even if stumbling/bumbling in their approaching us.

I am so sorry for your loss, that yet another person has to go through this.  I am glad you found us, it was a site such as this that literally saved me when I went through it.  Not that it's ever done with, it isn't, but it won't always be as intense pain as it is right now for you.

I wrote this article at about ten years out, no particular order, just things I've found helpful over the years.  I want to share it with you in the hopes something in it will be of help to you today, or perhaps on down the road.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[foreverhis]

I have long disliked the "How are you?" as a mere social convention.  I mean, you're at the grocery store and the checker asks "How are you?"  You're expected to respond, "Fine" regardless of whether it's true.  It's superficial and trivializes the truth.  IMO, it should only be asked if someone really wants to know.

After my husband died, it became a real trigger for me.  I mentioned it to my sister-in-law, who reminded me that when it's family and friends, they really do want to know.  Of course I know that, but I've asked that they come up with a different way of asking.

When someone asks, I want to respond, "I lost the love of my life.  I'm so depressed just getting up some days is a challenge.  I cry every day and sometimes wonder if life is worth living.  How the hell do you think I am?"   Instead, I've come up with a few responses that are a little less "in your face" about it:  "Well, I'm alive so I guess that's something" or "Things could be worse" or "Not so good" or "Some days are better than others" and things like that.  I simply refuse to say, "Fine" because I'm not.

 

 

[4cats2go]

Thanks everyone for your honesty.  Once my anger subsided a bit I was able to respond to all inquiries.  Lesson learned, ask no questions, just make very short statements.  

 

[Gail 8588]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

I mean, you're at the grocery store and the checker asks "How are you?"  You're expected to respond, "Fine" . . . .

So true.  Just tonight I was at the grocery store.  I took a bad fall today, probably sprained my left ankle, my right arm and leg are scraped up with road rash.  I am limping through the store, buying advil, neosporin and an ankle wrap. And the clerk at the check out asks How are you?  And I answer "Fine". 

  She meant nothing by the question. And I meant nothing by the answer.  Absurd. 

[KayC]

You wonder if they even notice what you're buying!  OMG, I'm so sorry you fell, I've done that, broke my nose, my right elbow, shirred off my top front tooth, multiple cuts/bruises, all within one week with two falls, that was nine years ago.  I had another bad fall three years ago, with permanent knee injuries I have to live with, Medicare won't cover it because it was at a vet and I'd signed off liability, stupid I know, I didn't know what I was doing, was trying to hold on for Medicare when it'd "be covered!"  Ha!  Ended up with hammer toes from it too, suffered many pulled muscles in back, neck, broke my fibula too.

I am so sorry, Gail, I hope and pray these are injuries that heal quickly with no lasting consequence!

[Gail 8588]

Kay, 

No need to worry about me. My injuries are all temporary inconveniences.  My left foot is a little swollen and blueish. But I have rolled this ankle before and it takes awhile but it will go back to normal.  Just walking a little slower and careful not to twist it. My road rash is looking much better already. I love neosporin.  

It was mostly my own fault and for a good cause-  so I don't even mind the injuries much. 

I am at my son's house taking care of his chickens and dogs and my loaner cat while he is gone. I took the 2 big black labs for a walk - without taking their leashes (my mistake)  because they are usually very good on voice control.  And we are way out in the country, so I didn't think it would be a problem.  Well they came up on a tiny fawn that bolted- they chased- they got the poor little thing trap in a fenced area.  So I gave chase- wrestled the dogs back to the road- and kept them with me, sitting, for about 15 minutes to give the fawn time to escape. When I thought it was  safe to walk the rest of the way home, one dog bolted. That's when I twisted my ankle and fell in the road- running after the dog.

When I fell- both sweet dogs came to me and stayed with me until I could get up and hobble home. 

So no more walks without leashes.  And I did save the little fawn from any injury.  So it's all good.

I just thought it was such a clear example of someone asking "How are you?" and not really wanting to know at all.

So sorry you have had so many challenges.  Life is hard, especially without our partners. 

Gail

[KayC]

I'm glad you will be okay even though hurting/recovering now.  Do you have a splitter for the leash, so much easier to deal with than two leashes!  I used to walk two Huskies with one, that way they pulled against each other instead of ME! 

My first fall I was walking the Huskies and I tripped over a defect/bump in the road I couldn't see.  The second one was trying to catch Arlie while he was bolting...not the smartest idea!  I landed with my front tooth on a huge rock...the rock didn't give.  The other one was the veterinary's fault...someone placed a huge floor scale in front of the door I was attempting to go out of while their employee was talking on her cellphone, in the way of the door so my eyes were on her instead of the floor...I'd been in and out of there over 40 years, there'd never been anything there before and there wasn't when I went in.  Landed on cement, everything was injured, I think about 14 places in all  Yes very hard to go through alone!

[widower2]

On 8/30/2020 at 6:03 PM, 4cats2go said:

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago tomorrow.  Reading through this blog is helpful, I'm not alone, the things I'm feeling are normal.  Not that I know what normal is anymore.  My question is how do you respond to people who ask how you are?   I've always believed people ask how you are as a social nicety.  Most people don't really want to know how you are, they're more interested in telling you how they are.  Now the question of How are you? is worse.  I don't know what to say other than terrible and then folks will try to help me solve my problem.  UGH!!!  Any suggestions that will help deflect this most awful of questions?

If you had asked me this in the earlier times right after the loss, my suggestion might have been something like this:

Get a baseball bat. Keep it with you at all times. When someone asks you that question, whack them in the head as hard as you can. Then walk over to them, laying there writhing in agony, and go "HOW ARE YOU?"  "Oh was that a stupid question? Now you know how I feel." 

But over time I realized that although it was an insanely stupid question, people generally don't know how to handle grief and will say and do dumb things, and...here's the key part...most mean well, and I think it's important to keep the intent in mind of asking how you are, even if it's just a courtesy.  Think about this, at least for people whose opinions matter to you:  would you rather they never ask how you are?  For me I realized that was much worse. You have no interest in my well being or how I am holding up? Wow thanks. 

So my answer now would be, as much as it may gall you and as phony as it may be, to say something like "OK" or "hanging in there, thanks for asking" or similar and let it go at that. 

[4cats2go]

Thanks widower2, that's basically what I'm doing, saying "I'm Ok, thanks for checking up on me".   People do mean well.  I shudder to think what I may have said in the past to grieving people.  

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, 4cats2go said:

I shudder to think what I may have said in the past to grieving people.  

One of my friends and I were talking about this recently.  We're sure that when we were young adults, not knowing the realities of life, love, and loss, we unintentionally said things that were hurtful.  Fortunately, the people we cared about who were grieving understood our naivety and didn't smack us over the head or call us on it.  In part, I'm certain it's because our society, most societies now, try to ignore or minimize what grief is and how it affects those going through it.  We don't want to face the fact that we are all mortal, that we will all experience deep loss and grief at some point, and that life is fragile.

I wish I could go back and say "the right thing," but I've learned that sometimes there is no right thing to say except, "I'm sorry."

[KayC]

Ignore jackson7 post, it's a link advertising recovery of data...it's been reported.  I hope it wasn't viral!

[foreverhis]

On 9/2/2020 at 8:39 PM, widower2 said:

Get a baseball bat. Keep it with you at all times. When someone asks you that question, whack them in the head as hard as you can. Then walk over to them, laying there writhing in agony, and go "HOW ARE YOU?"  "Oh was that a stupid question? Now you know how I feel." 

Oh, my response to this was probably inappropriate...I laughed, hard.  But it's so honest too.  The words that would come into my head were the type I do not use in public--and there were many of them.

You're right though that time gives perspective and the understanding that at some point in my younger years I probably said things like that because I didn't know any better or didn't know what else to say.

[widower2]

Glad you got a laugh   Yes I'm sure I wasn't much better, even in older years, until I went through it.

[Maria_PI]

It’s funny though, that even with some people who really genuinely care how I feel, when I do tell them, they can’t relate and don’t know what else to say, don’t know how to help, so that pretty much ends it. The other day a colleague, a very sweet young lady, asked me how I was, we talked for a bit and I learned that her husband was a sailor and and away for 6 months, I told her I can relate because my husband would go out on a cruise ship for months at a time, so I thought we found something tangible in common and suggested to maybe meet up and chat or go out to the beach. Yes, totally, maybe, eventually, some day.... but let me know if you need anything.... And never heard from her again. So at least we killed a few minutes of our time. I don’t know if I appreciate that either. Maybe she got scared that I would talk about my late husband and felt awkward, and all I need is just someone to hang out with and get away from the grief for sometime. I really don’t need any more rejection right now...


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[KayC]

It WAS funny!  But also relatable as what we say and what we think are two different things.