I don't want to get use to life without her

[KLowe]

My family has seen cancer far too much. After my sister's double breast cancer diagnosis last year, my dad's leukemia diagnosis summer 2019 (his 2nd diagnosis after prostate cancer 9 years ago) we reallllllly thought our family was DONE with cancer. Then my mom was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in August 2019. She fought hard & after multiple rounds of chemo & radiation things looked good.

Two months later we (along with the doctors) thought we were trying to combat my mom's digestive & tummy issues. Sadly after a scan in March, we learned cancer had viciously returned in her abdominal lining. We were told the efforts to eradicate the disease would be minimal and she had months to a year left. Not only did our world get crushed but it sprung into fast forward mode.

Pneumonia hit and with the digestive issues, minimum appetite, and her inability to walk meant the cancer was attacking aggressively and at lightning speed. The doctors then said, "we're no longer looking at months to a year, we're now looking at days to weeks." I don't think I'll EVER get those words off repeat in my head. My sister & I then had to share that with our dad. Our parents had been married 51 years.

With that window of time, along came palliative care, medical equipment & round the clock nurses. Though we both only lived 5 minutes away, my sister and I practically moved back home. My husband, our kids & my niece & nephew visited regularly so we could all spend as much time as possible with my mom. I prayed that time would feel as if it was standing still so we could create a thousand more memories...it didn't. 

Eleven days after those dreaded life altering words, my mom fell asleep one final time. And yes, I am immensely grateful to know my mom is healed, pain free and whole again but this loss is massively heartbreaking and gut wrenching. Sometimes I cry so hard and deep, I can't talk, think or breathe. I think some people (who haven't buried their mom) expect me to have moved on by now but my mom IS VERY HEAVILY EMBEDDED IN MY EVERY THOUGHT, ALLLLLL DAY, EVERY DAY & though I'm not suicidal I honestly don't want to get use to life without her.

[Kirsty111]

Dear and beautiful soul, how I know your pain. I have dreaded these moments all my life, and although I know it is the price of love, the pain is too much. I am with you, I know what you feel- I hope that is some comfort. A reel of them plays in my mind so consistently that I cannot sleep, cannot parent. Please take comfort that someone here knows exactly how you feel. I too feel like I cannot live this life without one I loved so much, the universe seems dark without them. All I can say is that your mother touches her tender hands to your cheek while you sleep, and she will send you solace in time. This has helped me: "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, but spiritual beings on a human journey.." I hope you can feel my arms around you. Sending you immense love and comfort.

 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

My heart is with both of you. I know this pain too. Sending love your way. 

[reader]

Thinking of you all. With much love and hugs

[Maria_PI]

“We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey!” [emoji1317][emoji173]️ (((HUGS)))


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[Leigh]

I know exactly how you feel. I just lost my mom three week ago. She was my best friend. She was also sick for a while but it went from a few months to days as well. I'm so lost without her. Your post really stood out to me because everyone tells me it gets easier and the pain gets easier. But I don't want it get easier if that makes sense because I don't want to get used to living without her. I went to her for everything. I want to believe she is still with me and looking down but it is so hard to accept that as being enough. It hurts so bad. My mom was only 64. She had so much more life to live.