Feel so lost

[Marie H]

I lost my partner to cancer almost 3 months ago. I was his partner, best friend and caregiver. He fought so hard and I was with him every step of the way. It still doesn't feel real.  I feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I am just surviving and can't imagine being happy again. I am seeing a counselor and have a great support system but I feel so sad most of the time. We went through a rollercoaster ride  for over four years. Many surgeries, consults, treatments, improving, getting worse and ultimately hospice. Then he was gone............everything triggers me.............I would just like to talk to others who have recently suffered a similar loss.

[KayC]

Hi Marie, I want to welcome you here, you have found a safe place to post where others get it.  There will be others along shortly.

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor!  I lead a grief support group but we aren't meeting during the pandemic right now, although I do call them periodically.  It can be very helpful as you can make friends with others going through it and can all learn and grow together so no one need feel totally on their own or adrift.

It's been 15 years since I lost my husband, I've chose to be here to help others going through it as there were those there for me when I was...not that it's ever over, it isn't, but it evolves and us with it.  I wrote this article at about ten years out of what I've found helpful over the years and hope something in it will speak to you today, and perhaps something else on down the road.  I am very sorry for your loss, that one more person is going through this.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.d

[Jttalways]

Next month will be a year since I lost my husband. He passed away from Leukemia. He battled for 1 year and 8 months. Most of that time he was hospitalized and when he wasnt hospitalized, there were countless procedures, dr visits, surgeries, tests, etc. He was poked and prodded like an animal in a test lab. I understand all about that rollercoaster ride. I am sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking and devastating it is for you.

[Yoli]

Marie, I am sorry you have had to find yourself here like the rest of us. I am 3 1/2 months into this torturous journey. My partner of 18 years passed suddenly. I too have that lost feeling and not knowing what to do as an 'l' and not a 'we'. Surviving, yes, living no. It is good you have a support system in place.

[Maria_PI]

4 hours ago, Jttalways said:

Next month will be a year since I lost my husband. He passed away from Leukemia. He battled for 1 year and 8 months. Most of that time he was hospitalized and when he wasnt hospitalized, there were countless procedures, dr visits, surgeries, tests, etc. He was poked and prodded like an animal in a test lab. I understand all about that rollercoaster ride. I am sorry for your loss. I know how heartbreaking and devastating it is for you.

I remember the first time I told my boss at work that my husband was diagnosed with leukemia, she said something like "people live a long time with leukemia". Don't get me wrong, I like my boss, she is very sweet and understanding and likely she meant to give me hope. He managed to squeeze 9 months, exactly as you describe - being poked and prodded like an animal. He even wrote a poem about "Blood and Platelets" on his FB page, to be sang to the tune of "Love and Marriage"... And to this day I think that the first hospital he went to for chemotherapy made it much worse and impossible for him to sustain the remission which he briefly got in the actual cancer hospital he went after the first one told him to say his good byes. And to add insult to injury, the first one (won't name names, but it's one of the largest hospital chains in the US, beautiful facility, almost like a 5-star hotel, the wing was specialized for blood cancers and the doctors were all PhDs), billed over $1M for one month stay, plus a myriad of lab and "consultants" bills on the side. The actual cancer hospital, billed $300K for the same length of stay, and managed to get him into remission, but it was too late - his body couldn't sustain it.

There isn't a day since he passed that I don't question myself and everything we did or didn't do. And feel as lost and as numb as the day we learned about the cancer. Now it's only emptiness and lack of purpose. Only questions and no answers. Tomorrow will be 3 months... In another thread there was that study about the widowhood effect and how people have an increased chance of dying within 3 months of surviving a spouse, so I am hopeful that @Marie H and I are over this threshold and at some point we will get used to living with the guilt and emptiness. So here we are...

[Jttalways]

@Maria_PI thank you for sharing. City of Hope charged $3500 for a 10 minute doctor visit, really just a consultation, no tests or anything. I thank god for my good health benefits, my husband had to stay in the hospital several months at a time (not at COH, another large chain hospital) and I never had to pay a bill. I can only imagine the cost. I think out of the 1 year and 8 months, he spent 80% of that time in the hospital. His only chance was a bone marrow transplant, but he was never in remission long enough to get it. I think the only reason he survived so long was because he was 34/35 years old and perfectly healthy prior to the leukemia. That’s interesting about the 3 month increased chance of the spouse dying. I think of a quote from “Gladiator” when Maximus explains to Juba that his wife and son are waiting for him in the after life. Juba tells Maximus, “You will see them again, but not yet.” Maximus replies “not yet.” 

[widower2]

12 hours ago, Marie H said:

I lost my partner to cancer almost 3 months ago. I was his partner, best friend and caregiver. He fought so hard and I was with him every step of the way. It still doesn't feel real.  I feel so lost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I am just surviving and can't imagine being happy again. I am seeing a counselor and have a great support system but I feel so sad most of the time. We went through a rollercoaster ride  for over four years. Many surgeries, consults, treatments, improving, getting worse and ultimately hospice. Then he was gone............everything triggers me.............I would just like to talk to others who have recently suffered a similar loss.

Far from recent but otherwise similar. Cancer, 4+ yr battle, etc. I'm so sorry, to you and all.  Kay has an excellent list above of things to consider. I know you don't want to hear this but I think you need to...it takes time. The upside is while I won't say it ever gets easy, it does get easiER. It's gradual, but the sting will recede. Hold on. Better days are ahead. Lean on whoever you need to and as I've often said, it's a worn cliche but true, day at a time. Forget tomorrow or next week etc just focus on making it through that day.