Jealously, Anger & Sadness ?

[Tash B]

I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately. I lost my fiancé a few months ago in a tragic and sudden way ( in a previous post). I notice I go from severe anger towards my partner to severe sadness where I am crying all day the entire day and any little minor trigger will set me off and I will be bawling for nearly 30 mins. I have also noticed I have major jealously, is that normal? I am SO jealous of my friends Even family who don’t understand this pain, who don’t understand the worst feeling of being alone in this world with out your person. Who still have their person and don’t understand suffering from grief. I find it really hard to be around people who are in relationships now. I just wanted advice from others if this is normal? I’m not a jealous person but I can’t help it at the moment and I feel like a horrible person for being like this but it is what it is. 

[KayC]

@Tash B  I'm glad you brought this up, it's something most of us feel especially in earlier grief and often years beyond.  Yes it is very normal.  It still gets to me that my friends and family all have their husbands even though much older than me, and I lost mine 15 years ago!  They take for granted what they have and I can't bear to hear them complaining about them!  They don't understand we would give our right arm to have them back with us again, in a heartbeat.

I think the jealousy wanes a bit when we've had more time to process our grief and (I hate the word acceptance!  It doesn't mean we're okay with it!) fully realize they aren't coming back and that this is our life now.  Call it acceptance or whatever.  I still hate that term.

You are NOT a horrible person!  You are a normal person that is being hit hard with grief.  This is a side effect or some of the fallout of grief.

[Gail 8588]

Tash,

This grief road has so many twists and turns.  A year or so ago, I posted about how hard it was for me to be around my married friends because I wanted to shout at them about how stupid they were being.  If they were bickering, I wanted to say "stop it, you will regret so much having argued about this if one of you dies", or if they were complaining about their spouse, I would tell them how desperately they would long for that person and that these little aggravations would be meaningless.  Or they would chose not to spend quality time with their spouse because they needed to do some menial task,  and I'd say, spend every minute you have together because one day there will be no more chances. 

But I just sounded like a lunatic to my married friends.   They  are living in the dream world that they will both live to old age and both die in their sleep the same night.  

I still find it hard to be around my married friends, but I no longer voice my concerns because I realize they are never going to understand until it happens to them. Their actions can sometimes trigger a lot of grief in me. 

It's a long road we are on. 

Gail

[widower2]

19 hours ago, Tash B said:

I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster lately. I lost my fiancé a few months ago in a tragic and sudden way ( in a previous post). I notice I go from severe anger towards my partner to severe sadness where I am crying all day the entire day and any little minor trigger will set me off and I will be bawling for nearly 30 mins. I have also noticed I have major jealously, is that normal? I am SO jealous of my friends Even family who don’t understand this pain, who don’t understand the worst feeling of being alone in this world with out your person. Who still have their person and don’t understand suffering from grief. I find it really hard to be around people who are in relationships now. I just wanted advice from others if this is normal? I’m not a jealous person but I can’t help it at the moment and I feel like a horrible person for being like this but it is what it is. 

As others have stated you are quite normal and far from horrible. You have a great insight though gained at a terrible cost. The others you spoke of are ignorant fools - they just don't realize it because they haven't been forced to. But really, were any of us much different before our loss? I know it's easier said than done to put it mildly, but try to be patient and understanding of such ignorance. 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

They  are living in the dream world that they will both live to old age and both die in their sleep the same night

I know.  It terrifies me of what's ahead for my sisters...one is blind, the other very disabled.  They could not continue their lives as is without their husbands.  Meanwhile, all of us getting older.  And it scares me the thought of losing them, any of them...I already lost one of my sisters two years ago.

While I wouldn't call them ignorant fools, ignorance in itself can be a bliss of it's own.  Who among us wished for this reality?!  Oh that we could be in ignorant bliss once again!  Once having partaken of grief, we can never be the same again, for now there is a knowing...

[Tash B]

@KayC @Gail 8588 it’s so funny that you touched on this subject as a few weeks ago I essentially told one of my friends she lives in Lala land. She said she hopes her and her husband pass away at the same time. I told her that’s not realistic and most likely one of you will die first. I could tell she was so shaken by my remark and I just decided forget it I’m not going to even give you the reality check. Good luck to you when that time comes. Again this is my bitterness talking but it’s just so frustrating at times. I am finding it’s just easier not to have conversations with them. I even find they will call me about “ their problems” and it makes me nauseated because their problems are so obscure and Petty. @Gail 8588 you are completely right I sound like a complete lunatic to them so I’ve decided there is no point even speaking to them about it at this point. I lost my person and I’m bitter... that bitterness quickly though turns into sadness where I’m alone and it’s a constant reminder I am alone now and I have to go through life solo. 

[SPFEB]

@Tash B it’s crazy how similar our situation, thoughts and feelings are yet at different times in our journey with this. I have never ever been a jealous person yet feeling the exact same, I can’t be around others in relationships being really happy infront of me it’s so so hard. Even to see things which why I removed myself off social media, and just like you get so irritated listening to the problems of others where they seem so menial although I’m fully aware it’s all relative to the individual. I have unfortunately lost friends along the way because of it which just adds to the pain and loneliness, but no one gets it, no one ever could. It’s been just over a year for me and like @Gail 8588 I just don’t say anything anymore and they continue to be ridiculously happy or arguing about silly things right infront of me, both of which grate on me but they’ll never notice or consider I’m sat there completely broken inside. they could never understand and I guess we can’t expect them too.. I could never imagine this pain or feeling before it happened either. I too feel so alone and constantly feel so sad and scared, but I do think we can help each other. I think people like us all are the only ones who truly understand and can be the ones to support each other, it won’t fill the void but can just make us feel a little less alone in this darkness maybe x

[BBB]

I get downright pissed sometimes, although it's totally and completely not her fault. I say things like "you said you would never leave me" or I get mad and think about all of our plans. Other days I'm just sad. Other days I get panic attacks. I' all over the place with regards to emotions.

[KayC]

My disabled sister lives about 10-12 miles from me.  We talk every day.  She was in the same accident as my other sister (who is gone now) 52 years ago, it damaged her brain so that it affected her balance and she falls easily, cannot walk on uneven ground.  She has never gotten any exercise, eaten what she wanted, smokes like a chimney, and now it's showing in her quality of life.    She buries her head in the sand.  She too hopes she'll die peacefully in her sleep, no pain.  It doesn't work that way, we don't get to put an order in for how we die.  I'm sure she hasn't given a thought to what she'd do if her husband died...he does everything for her.  She no longer drives, doesn't cook, clean, anything.  She has dementia as well.  But I love her...she's been there my whole life, we can tell each other anything.  I am terrified of losing her.  She can drive me crazy with her inappropriate responses, I know her brain doesn't process things like it used to, and at those time I realize I've already lost a good share of her.  

The one who is blind, I don't know what she'd do w/o her husband either.  I'm glad they both have their husbands.  But sometimes I wonder, why couldn't I keep mine?

The last sister is younger than me, her life is about travel and friends and fun, she has a husband that affords her lifestyle and is good company for her.  She's active and beautiful and her life seems charmed.  But it isn't always.  She had a baby born without a brain, she lived to almost two and she lost her even with the best care.  She had a son who is a genius, creative, capable, but seems psychotic, has seen therapists, etc. all his life.  He has been a challenge.  He works for Microsoft.  He's finally in a better place, has a steady GF, sober, am so glad for him, but to say she has had a charmed life...no.  Her third child came out to her a few years ago.  She called me crying and said she didn't know what to do, it wasn't within their religious beliefs.  I told her forget the church, this is YOUR DAUGHTER!  She is the same wonderful girl she has always been!  Just continue to love her, that's what you "do!"  She got married, the whole family was accepting and she is very happy!  What more can we hope for and want for our kids than that!  

But I have learned that all that glitters is not gold.  We can look into people's lives and think they have it made and you know what?  It's all just stuff, fluff, what matters are our relationships.  We've lost our most essential ones.  I do not wish this on any of them!  Let them enjoy their lives while they can.  If we live long enough, we all go through this eventually.  Why burst their bubble?  Why cause them undue worry?  Let them enjoy it even if we can't.