My girlfriend was murdered.

[Jesse]

3 weeks ago, my girlfriend and best friend was murdered. I dont know what to do and everything feels so pointless. We were always there for eachother and have known eachother for 20 years. She was my everything.

[Perro J]

Jesse,

I am sorry for your loss. I am not that far ahead of you, it has only been a month since I lost my fiancee to cancer. I understand the feeling of pointless. I struggle to accept what has happened as I suspect you do as well. The question "Why?" rattles me and I am not sure an answer is coming. It does seem to help to be able to exchange thoughts with others going through this kind of devastating loss. It may only be the relief of knowing I am not the only one feeling this way right now. I hope you find something here that helps too. I am sure you will understand when I say "Welcome. I wish neither of us were here."

[Jesse]

I do understand and thank you. I was on the phone with her when it happend so i had to listen to her die. I was also the first one there because i only live 3 minutes from her. So i had to pull her out of the car after she was shot. I cant get her screams oit of my head or the images i saw. I loved her. She was my everything.

[Tash B]

I’m sorry for your loss, that is a horrible tragic circumstance for anyone to have to go through. I understand losing your person tragically and suddenly. It’s one of those things that when you go through it there really is no sense of it. You ask yourself why and that’s an answer we will never know. I lost my fiancé almost 2 months ago in a freak accident all before my eyes. One thing I’ve learned in the past 8 weeks is you just got to take it day by day. For the first few weeks it was literally min by min... then hour by hour and I’m now at day by day. Even then there are days and we are still so new to it but you can’t do **** because all you do is cry. Keep coming to this forum it is so helpful as everyone understands your grief. 

[Perro J]

Many years ago, a woman I knew was murdered. I was one of the last people to speak with her before it occurred. As Tash noted there is no making sense of it. Her two year old daughter was found wandering the apartment building they lived in. It started as a missing person. It ended with the discovery of her body. They eventually arrested the caretaker of the building. He hung himself in jail before the trial. People used the word "closure". I don't know that there is such a thing. I don't know that there is "making things right" in the aftermath.

Please remember to take care of you. Your grieving may be complicated by the legal system and its slow grinding and unsympathetic cogs. One thing I am starting to understand is the physical toll this is taking on me. I am sleeping a lot more. I am on edge a lot. It sneaks up on you and it isn't obvious. Keep an eye out for it. Eat right if you can. Hang in there.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, there are no words, it's senseless and tragic.  My heart goes out to you.  We welcome you here and hope you receive the comfort and support all of us have here.

I wrote this ten years after my husband suddenly died, unexpectedly, of the things I've found helpful over the years, hoping you find something helpful now and maybe something else later on.  The biggest help for myself was learning to take a day at a time, and the other was looking for any good in each day, no matter how small.  We all need whatever we can get.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Jesse]

I hate the pain. I miss her so god damn much. She was my world. Im giving up

[Tash B]

Don’t give up , it is hard and I completely get it I have those days too where you just feel like you can’t do it. Take it hour by hour, maybe get out of the house go for a walk. Surround yourself with people who are supporting you right now. Be kind to yourself this takes time... xoxo 

[Jesse]

I miss her so much. 

[KayC]

Hold on and give yourself a chance to get through this, the edges will soften a bit, it won't always be this intense of pain.  We always love and miss them but gradually learn to carry it.  I know life as you knew it will never be the same but there will come a time you can smile again.  Remember to breathe.  Keep coming here, express your pain, your heartache, we're here, listening.