Feeling lost..

[SPFEB]

I lost my partner suddenly last year and I’m really struggling with life. He was my partner, best friend and soulmate for 15 years, I am completely lost. He was so young at only 32, we had our whole life planned and now I have no idea where I fit in the world. I miss him so much. I keep being told things will get easier, only it’s only getting harder.. I have been being ‘strong’ for everyone else, my family, his family, work but its exhausting, I can’t do it anymore, not really sure I’ve properly grieved supporting everyone else. I have lost people close to me before but this is totally different, a completely different kind of love, each time I had him to support me and hold my hand, this time I have noone, it’s him I need.. I had a lot of people around me initially, but they all naturally go back to their lives yet mine has stood still. I love my family and friends and am genuinely happy to see their lives moves on in a positive way but im finding it so hard as It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have anymore - I can’t bring myself to look at social media anymore seeing how happy everyone else’s lives are. I have never felt so alone and insignificant. COVID hasn’t helped as i live on my own now and has only made me feel more isolated.. I don’t ever want anyone else but miss just having my person and it’s the small things that are really getting to me, an empty house, eating alone, sleeping and waking alone, having someone to talk to and share life with. I’m not really sure what to do, so found this site and thought I’d post.

 

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, SPFEB said:

I lost my partner suddenly last year and I’m really struggling with life. He was my partner, best friend and soulmate for 15 years, I am completely lost. He was so young at only 32, we had our whole life planned and now I have no idea where I fit in the world. I miss him so much. I keep being told things will get easier, only it’s only getting harder.. I have been being ‘strong’ for everyone else, my family, his family, work but its exhausting, I can’t do it anymore, not really sure I’ve properly grieved supporting everyone else. I have lost people close to me before but this is totally different, a completely different kind of love, each time I had him to support me and hold my hand, this time I have noone, it’s him I need.. I had a lot of people around me initially, but they all naturally go back to their lives yet mine has stood still. I love my family and friends and am genuinely happy to see their lives moves on in a positive way but im finding it so hard as It’s a constant reminder of what I don’t have anymore - I can’t bring myself to look at social media anymore seeing how happy everyone else’s lives are. I have never felt so alone and insignificant. COVID hasn’t helped as i live on my own now and has only made me feel more isolated.. I don’t ever want anyone else but miss just having my person and it’s the small things that are really getting to me, an empty house, eating alone, sleeping and waking alone, having someone to talk to and share life with. I’m not really sure what to do, so found this site and thought I’d post.

 

((HUGS)) I am sorry you lost your partner.  It isn’t an easy journey.   I feel the the part of your post that stood out was that you didn’t feel like you have had a chance to truly grieve.   I quickly realized that being strong for others isn’t helpful for me.  I needed to find an outlet for my own emotions.   I have been seeing a therapist to deal with the load of stress & grief.  The other thing I did was get medication for depression and anxiety.   Am I ok or even slightly ok most of the time........not really but someday I might be.  
 

Have you tried seeing a therapist?   Perhaps having someone to talk to might help you?   Therapists quite often have some good suggestions.  Keep coming here     I feel like most of us are pretty good listeners and of course we all understand what it is like to lose our spouse or partner.  

[SPFEB]

Thank you so much, very kind of you to respond. I am so sorry to hear of your loss too and thank you for your support, I really hope the therapy and medication help you in some way.

I attempted therapy pretty soon after he passed and couldn’t go through with it, I wasn’t ready it was just too hard for me to put anything into words. I then tried again only a few weeks ago but didn’t find it helpful, the therapist made me feel me really angry and uneasy by some of the assumptions and comments, however I may just need to look into a better one and the right type of therapy perhaps. You are right I do need an outlet, keeping it all in hasn’t helped at all. I am am leader of 50 people at work and having to be positive and motivational day in day out when I am literally in pieces is the hardest most draining thing, although work has kept me busy. friends and family always say they are there if I need anything but i feel I need to talk to someone who truly understands and so thought this may help x

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, SPFEB said:

Thank you so much, very kind of you to respond. I am so sorry to hear of your loss too and thank you for your support, I really hope the therapy and medication help you in some way.

I attempted therapy pretty soon after he passed and couldn’t go through with it, I wasn’t ready it was just too hard for me to put anything into words. I then tried again only a few weeks ago but didn’t find it helpful, the therapist made me feel me really angry and uneasy by some of the assumptions and comments, however I may just need to look into a better one and the right type of therapy perhaps. You are right I do need an outlet, keeping it all in hasn’t helped at all. I am am leader of 50 people at work and having to be positive and motivational day in day out when I am literally in pieces is the hardest most draining thing, although work has kept me busy. friends and family always say they are there if I need anything but i feel I need to talk to someone who truly understands and so thought this may help x

It took me 3 different therapists until I found one that I found easy to talk to and who didn’t make me want to yell at them.   Sometimes it takes patience.   Everyone here understands which is amazing.  

[Jesse]

I lost my girlfriend and best friend. She was murdered 3 weeks ago. I understand how you feel. Everyone says to be strong and live. But life feels so meaningless without her. She and i are 37 and we were so happy. She was my everything and now i have to live without her. I hate this.

[Tash B]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can honestly relate to you on many different avenues. I lost my fiancé ( he was 34) in a complete and total freak accident. We had been together for 12 years and I’m 30 so almost half my life was spent with him by myside. It is the absolute worst feeling, this is different and you may find people don’t understand. It’s not like you are only losing your partner but you are losing your future. You have to take care of yourself before you take care of everyone else. This grief hits you differently than everyone else. Friends and family don’t understand they try their best but sadly they go back to their daily lives while we sit here and have to live with the life of being alone and without your person every f’n day and it SUCKS. I can totally understand the social media part, I actually deactivated my fb and removed everything off my Instagram ( archived it) because I couldn’t bare to see other peoples engagements, weddings or pregnancy announcements. I soon realized how toxic social media really is. ESP when you are going through something so horrific and tragic. If you ever want a friend who gets it to talk to I’m always here  xoxo sending you virtual hugs 

[SPFEB]

@Jesse I am so sorry to hear of your loss that’s absolutely devastating, and so raw.. so much to deal with. Being strong, what does that even mean, how can you be you’ve just lost your love and so horrifically. As hard and painful as it will be all I can say is let yourself feel it all and don’t try and be strong for anyone, you need to. I ‘had’ to be strong and put on a front for my partners family and so my family wouldn’t worry about me and I didn’t really deal with anything properly, I still haven’t. I almost blocked out all my emotions and it was the worst thing I did. It’s killing me inside. Cry, shout, punch a punch bag, write do what every you need to. We have lost a huge part of ourselves, nothing will ever look or feel the same. I think we just have to find a way to cope it all as best we can, together. No one else will ever understand. Always here if you ever want to chat x

[SPFEB]

@Tash B Very relatable.. I am so sorry of your loss too. I had known him for half, the best half of my life too, we went through so many significant things together as I expect you did too.. You are 100% right about everything, all of it. Sending virtual hugs back, I would always welcome and help a friend who gets it, almost feels like we’re all we have in this horrible dark bubble xx

[KayC]

On 8/15/2020 at 12:33 PM, SPFEB said:

I keep being told things will get easier, only it’s only getting harder

Welcome here, we want to be here for you as you go through this.  I thought my husband was young, barely 51, we met in our mid-40s, he was my soulmate and best fried.  We were supposed to grow old together but it all changed in a moment.  We wake up thinking we know how our day will go...

I am so sorry for your loss, the intensity of pain will gradually lessen but it often feels worse before it feels better as the shock wears off and support goes back to their own lives.  I wrote this about ten years after my husband passed, it's of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope you find something helpful in it, if not today, perhaps on down the road.  This is a journey with a beginning but no ending, but it does evolve...

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Maria_PI]

@SPFEB I totally can relate, especially about the isolation part. I was just thinking, as I wake up at 3:30 am and try to find a distraction from my thoughts of loneliness and despair ... I was thinking how trapped I feel, paralyzed, can’t do anything meaningful. Working from home while living alone without the presence of my partner and soulmate, just amplifies everything! While my husband was alive and in fairly good health, we chose to live in a more rural area, for the privacy and because we were both so content with just each other. Now this house feels like a trap - can’t leave, can’t stay and can’t have anyone stay with me. Covid has made things much worse and every way. My loss is fairly recent, not even 3 months, and I am hoping things will settle and I will get used to being alone, but as time goes by, time actually crawling, dragging me backwards it seems, the isolation grows. I feel trapped in the sea of grief, at first the waves were high and I was preoccupied with trying to not get crushed. Now that the waves have subsided I can clearly see that there is no land, my island is gone and and I am starting to think of ways to stay afloat, for how long?
I imagine you having to put a mask and appear strong for your team takes a toll, I probably wouldn’t be able to do that. I feel lucky to not have to do that, even at team meetings I don’t have to show my face and try to put a smile on after just having cried with tears. So I admire you for the strength. But I think that only suppresses the grief, it doesn’t make it go away. I myself am still in the process of figuring it out and this site has helped me a lot, KayC’s guidelines are a treasure. Taking it one day at a time, trying to cuddle more often with our cat, who is also grieving by the way, my husband was his buddy and talked to him all the time. I am grateful for the people here who comment and help navigate this darkness....


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

I imagine you having to put a mask and appear strong for your team takes a toll, I probably wouldn’t be able to do that.

I would not either.  We have a certain amount of mask at work but with friends/family, I'd let it out.  If they leave, they leave, we'll make new friends.  Mine all disappeared immediately anyway!

[SPFEB]

@Maria_PI I am so sorry for your loss. I can totally relate, I am constantly lying there at 3 am feeling exactly the same.. staying afloat feels like a day by day battle for me, over a year on still, being alone isn’t something I’ve gotten used to but everyone’s journey is so different and as I haven’t really properly any had me time It hasn’t helped things, as you say work and fronting for others has just suppressed a lot of things. It’s the little things, an empty house, waking and sleeping alone, having dinner on your own every night (I don’t even bother mostly) watching TV on your own, just the constant silence.. it all aches so much. Whilst it’s always there it’s been such a rollercoaster, some days I will be completely overwhelmed with emotion and cry all day, sometimes filled with anger and sometimes completely numb. I don’t think it’s something that will ever go away or you are ever the same from again, feels like it just becomes part of you that you have to try and cope with and navigate through somehow in this new world. Cuddles, how I miss those, so much.. I have been thinking about getting a pet to help things a little and so I don’t feel so lonely at time. 
I found writing down how I felt helped a little, just to get it out, I’d write as if I was writing to him, just in my phone in my notes and trying getting some form of routine for my own mind. Through COVID I dragged myself out for walks and ordered lost of paints/canvases and tried that even (I’m not a painter by any means) but out of complete boredom and frustration of being only with my only own thoughts which were getting dark I thought I’d try anything to try and distract my mind. I hope you find some way to cope through this that helps you how you need and would encourage you to keep talking here as it’s helping and with anyone else you are Comfortable with x

[KayC]

7 hours ago, SPFEB said:

I have been thinking about getting a pet to help things a little and so I don’t feel so lonely at time. 

I had my cable shut off for over four years after George died.  It took me ten years to be able to read a book for pleasure, I read things I had to, for learning/work, but that's it.  It took my ability to focus, think clearly, don't think I ever got that back 100% but it improved some with time.  The first few years I could expect onset of tears at any given moment, the triggers were sometimes unpredictable things you wouldn't expect.  I learned to roll with it.  Allow myself to feel what I feel.  We go through a myriad of emotions, yes, anger, sadness, pain, you name it.

George and I had a dog and cats when he died.  One of the cats died a year after he did at 19.  The other cat ran away two months after George died, when he didn't come home.   I acquired a few more over the years but they're gone too now.  Our dog passed 2 1/2 years after George.  A few months later I adopted Arlie (Husky/Golden Retriever) and he was wonderful company...I lost him one year ago.  It hit me harder than any of the others, we were extremely close and he was a wonderful companion.  My son brought me a new puppy before Christmas, I don't know what I'd do without him, he's not Arlie, but he wormed his way into my heart.  It's one of the "tips" I mentioned in my article, not for everyone, but it's sure been helpful to me.  You might start keeping your eye out and see if there's one out there that speaks to you like Arlie did to me.  From the moment I laid eyes on his picture, his beautiful smile, I knew we were made to be together.  Now he's with my George.

[Gail 8588]

I agree with Kay that a pet in your home can be beneficial.  For 3 and a half years after my husband died I had the companionship of our family dog.  I think his presence in my life was extremely important.  It forced me to do some routine things - take him for a walk, feed him everyday.  His presence led to a few moments of relief from grief when he would do something silly or sweet. He listened and really did try to comfort me when I was gripped with dispair. 

He died June 29th this year and his passing left a huge void in my life. The house was so empty.  After a few weeks, my son "loaned" me his cat, just so there would be another living thing at my home.  And even though I am more of a dog person than a cat person, she is clearly helping my mental health.  She is silly and entertaining. I have to meet her basic needs, which requires me to get out of bed.

This sounds so basic, but when you are not working, living alone, and knowing you will have no visitors, it is easy to spend days on end doing very little.  So for me it is helpful to have this silly cat that wants to be fed at 7 each morning, get me up and going each day. There is some real comfort that there is another heart beating in this home. I am not entirely alone.

Gail

[KayC]

Gail, how sweet of your son!  You are right, I know not everyone are "pet people" but for me it makes all the difference in the world in surviving vs not.  I HAVE to keep going for Kodie, he deserves a good life, a good home, and he loves me.  Losing Arlie felt like losing George all over again, and then Kitty on top of it?!  Of course it doesn't affect you on as many levels as your spouse, but still, when they're all you have and he was the perfect dog for me...I know many people don't get my grief over him, but then they didn't have the relationship with him, I did.    I'm sorry you, too, experienced this, not so long ago.

 

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I agree with Kay that a pet in your home can be beneficial.

I think that's true for so many people.  Maybe it will be for me in the future.  My husband and I had two very special pets.  Our Keeshond for 15 years and our tabby Persian for 19 years.  We had talked about finding new companion animals, but events got in the way.

But right now there's a middle ground, especially with animal shelters needing foster families:  Being a short-term or part-time pet parent.

At the start of the stay-at-home orders here (mid March), my good friends who live down and across the street were really worried about it setting me back.  It has, but probably not as much because they decided that I should have three or four afternoons a week with their sweet dog, who adores me.  I had been doing dog sitting one afternoon a week on their long work day.  Of course, they're home now, so it's actually worked out well for me, them, and their 12 lb furry love bug.  See, the dog adores them, obviously, but was kind of irked that her "schedule" was so messed up.  For the first weeks, her attitude was, "Mom and dad, why are you home ALL DAY?  I need my 'me time.' I need my routine!" 

And so we've developed new routines.  She still doesn't understand why we can't all play ball together inside when her mom or dad come to pick her up at the end of the day, but otherwise, she's settled into life as it is.  Having her part-time has helped me get out of the house to walk the trails with her, play, snuggle, and simply be loved.  She takes my mind off how lonely I am, how difficult things are, and how much I wish my love was here with me.  It's like being a grannie where you get the fun and get to spoil them, but don't have all the day-to-day responsibility.  Plus, her mom and dad have time to work on house or yard chores without her underfoot.  Win-win for sure.

[KayC]

Sounds like a good routine for all around!  I know being a part time caregiver/dog walker to Joe (neighbor's chow) did not work out well for me, between severe dog bites one of which left permanent damage, and the sudden jerk on the leash that severed my nerves, I now have two hands that badly need surgery and am in pain 24/7 and have been for 5 1/2 months now!  Surgery won't be for another six months at least and I don't know how I'm going to do this with no one here to help me.  People do not think what it's like to totally be on your own without your husband ALL of the time!  They think it'd mean they could watch what they want on t.v.!  Seriously?  They haven't a clue...

[Yoli]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

They think it'd mean they could watch what they want on t.v.!  Seriously?  They haven't a clue...

I actually had someone say this to me.

[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, KayC said:

They think it'd mean they could watch what they want on t.v.!  Seriously?  They haven't a clue...

Sheesh.  I guess I'm lucky that no one has said that to me.  Once in a blue moon, I will remind myself that I don't have to consider him when making meal choices or what time I eat.  But that's about it. 

Even now, I have a hard time choosing things for the house or yard without considering what he would want.  While we had very similar tastes and agreed on almost everything, we had a number of differences.  How could we not?  When I make a choice I think would not have been his preference, I do look up and say, "What?  You don't get a say in this.  You left me."  Of course he didn't leave; he was taken from us.  But that doesn't always resonate when my emotions run wild.

When it comes to TV, I've sat there more than once just blankly flipping through the channels.  I think, "I never wanted to be in charge of the remote, you know."  Yep, we had that silly cliche of "the husband controls the remote."  It wasn't a macho thing and I didn't care.  He just naturally found good things to watch at night and gravitated to shows we both liked--except during football season when he and our best friend would sit down and figure out exactly which games they wanted to watch.  He wasn't a fanatic, but he did enjoy certain college match ups.  Whereas, I am ambivalent about most sports except baseball.  I actually wrote a poem about "remote" as both an object and a feeling.  Very little interests me the way it did before.

People who haven't been through what we're going through really cannot fathom what it's like.  I tell myself that I don't want the people I care about to understand the way we here do, but the truth is that we all know eventually they will.  Knowing that has made them more sensitive to my grief, which helps.

[KayC]

I have a sister with dementia, she lives in another world, always has, her brain does not process like it used to, let alone like the rest of us.  She says these things and more.  I love her and am terrified of losing her, in a way I've already lost her to a certain extent, but she says the most inappropriate things...I know she can't help it but it doesn't make it any easier to handle.  She doesn't begin to appreciate her husband for who he is and all he does for her!  Right now he has a virus and she's worried about it being COVID but I assured her it's not starting out like COVID does and reminded her that there are a host of other viruses it could be and told her IF (named the early signs of COVID) occur, THEN to call for help!

But to hear her say things like I am lucky living alone, that is too much.