Thoughts on loving again

[BBB]

I'll share my thoughts, looking for others thoughts. People have said to me tha "I'll meet someone else" and other things to that effect.Personally, no one will ever match my wife as she was my soulmate. I feel that I'd only be constantly comparing anyone new to her, which wouldn't be fair. Would not be fair to me or even more so to them. I believe that people generally say thing with best intentions but most of the time they miss the mark. They've never been there or they just don' know what to say. For me, I don't want to love again. Nothing will match what I had and I don't want to experience this kind of loss ever again. How do you feel on this topic?

[Lars M]

I feel the same way I can't imagine touching someone else at this point I am new to this I lost my wife a month ago. I feel it would not be fair to the other person because they would have such big shoes to fill. I know people that have lost a spouse and remarried a year later and are deeply in love and that person told me he said the same thing when he lost his wife. So I am just going to life one day at a time and see what happens. Thanks

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, BBB said:

People have said to me tha "I'll meet someone else" and other things to that effect.

ARGH!!!  What is wrong with people?  Oh, I know that what they're really saying is, "I hate to see you grieving.  If you find someone new, you'll be better.  It's uncomfortable and a terrible reminder it can happen to any of us.  I want you to go back to normal."  What they do not and cannot understand is that we will never go back to the way we were, never.  Our loves are not replaceable.  They are not broken dishes or lost keys.  We didn't simply misplace them and need to go find a new one.  I'm sorry you have that added to your pain.

A dear friend of mine and her husband got that from a few people when their daughter died at birth many years ago:  "You'll have other children."  As if their precious and beloved daughter could be overwritten like computer code.  Worse, when people say that, they have no idea if a couple actually can have another child.  It ranks right up there with "You'll find someone new," as far as I'm concerned.  If others really thought about it, maybe they'd realize that people aren't replaceable.

I know I am lucky that not one person has said that to me.  Maybe it's because I was 60 when my love died.  Maybe it's because the people in my life are aware of how deeply bonded we were and are.  They know that for me, he will always be in the present.  I belong to him forever.  My screen name is who I am for him.

I have thought about the years possibly stretching out ahead of me without my love.  The one thing that occurs to me is that even if I met a really nice man 10 years from now, even if I'd have been attracted to him before I met my husband, the poor guy wouldn't stand a chance.  Like you, I would constantly be comparing.  Worse, I'd feel like I was cheating on my husband.  The thought of it disgusts me.  I don't want another man's touch; I want his.  I don't want to touch another man that way; I want him. 

Have you told these people how you feel?  I'd consider being really blunt with them and not sparing their "feelings" about it.  They aren't considering yours.  They really aren't.  If they know you and your wife, they should know that she is your heart and your life.  They might tell themselves they are just thinking about your "happiness," but what they're really thinking about is not having to deal with your grief.  It's so selfish on their parts.

I'm sorry they cannot see what truly matters to you. ((hugs))

[jwahlquist]

21 hours ago, BBB said:

For me, I don't want to love again. Nothing will match what I had and I don't want to experience this kind of loss ever again. How do you feel on this topic?

Personally, I feel that finding someone to care about again doesn’t take anything away from what I had with my husband.  I spent 23 amazing years with him and what we had was special and dear to me.    I don’t know that it would be fair to compare anything to that.  But that doesn’t mean a new relationship with someone new couldn’t be special in its own right?   I am a teacher so I will use a student analogy.   I have special educational students.   Each child has their strengths and areas where there is room for improvement.  They each have their own personalities and quirks.  I have learned to appreciate the best aspects of each student rather than trying to compare them to each other.  Comparisons require one to look at negatives rather than positives.    I think relationships are similar.   Comparing a new relationship to what you had requires you to looks for the negatives.  You are essentially looking for all of the reasons that it doesn’t measure up rather than being open to positives.  Is a new relationship going to be the same?  No but it might still be good in a different way.

Would I want to go through the heart ache again of losing another person? Most definitely not......truth be told I am sure most of us would have wished to switch places with our spouses.   Not only because we loved them and would do any for them but also then we would have avoided such devastation.   But avoiding a new relationship and possible happiness, because I am afraid of losing someone also means that I am choosing to lose out on the possibility of being happy again. 

[Lars M]

Well said

[Perro J]

Because dating isn't hard enough already...

I don't know. I don't know is probably the complete answer.

Right now is simply too soon for me. To be seeking love this soon after her death would be dishonorable. I asked her parents for permission to at least propose to her before I left. I did do that and she accepted. I later teased her about what a horrible fiancee she had, proposing and then fleeing the country on her. She died eight days after I gave her a ring. Three days before I would have left.

If someone were to tell me "You'll find someone else" I don't think I will get angry - but I think the honest answer there is "You don't know either."

I had been divorced for about four years before I met her. Those four years were tough. The truth is it was not until I got my soul settled enough to accept myself as being OK alone that I was really ready to be in a relationship. Sort of a "when the student is ready the teacher will appear" kind of thing.

She was so wonderful that the bar is set so ridiculously high now that I find it improbable that I will come across someone else comparable. Improbable does not mean impossible. If you told me three years ago today that I was about to meet someone incredibly wonderful, I was going to fall in love, I was going to get engaged to her, and then I was going to bury her in the Andes 32 months later, I would have laughed in your face. Yet that is precisely what happened. I saw none of it coming. I did not know.

I met her on a dating website. Dating websites are dumpster fires. Yet she was the exception.

I have no idea what I could write now for a dating website profile. "Recently widowed gentleman seeks woman for occasional companionship and possible LTR, but prefers to be reunited with his previous love in the afterlife"? I would not be expecting a positive response to that.

Looking through those websites I often see women seeking men with a list of requirements so specific that I wonder if I am about to negotiate for the release of hostages rather than find someone to meet for coffee.

It would be nice to meet someone as an activity companion without the weight of a romance. COVID makes that a tall order. There isn't much to do out there right now. Something like that could serve as a diversion or respite from the grief. I don't think a dating site would be the right place to find someone like that. I think people there are looking for love.

I think I am better served working towards accepting myself as alone again. If I can succeed at that then maybe love will come and find me. I don't know.

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, jwahlquist said:

Personally, I feel that finding someone to care about again doesn’t take anything away from what I had with my husband.  I spent 23 amazing years with him and what we had was special and dear to me.    I don’t know that it would be fair to compare anything to that.  But that doesn’t mean a new relationship with someone new couldn’t be special in its own right?

I was thinking about this a bit ago after I replied.  It occurred to me that my personal response might seem judgmental to others.

So, to be clear:  My feelings on ever having a new love are just that, mine for me.  I am happy for anyone of any age who finds love again after such a loss.  Just because it's not for me doesn't mean I think it's wrong or disrespectful or would take away from another love.  I absolutely do not think that way.  A new love does not mean someone has "replaced" their lost love.  Of course not.  And it can be very special in its own right.  We know that love is infinite and can be infinitely shared.

Especially because you are young and if it's right for you, I hope you do find a new relationship if/when you are ready.  He would have to be very, very special to be worthy of you and your daughter.  If that happens for you, I hope you can embrace fully the idea that it would never diminish the love you have for your husband.  That will never change.

((hugs))

[jwahlquist]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I was thinking about this a bit ago after I replied.  It occurred to me that my personal response might seem judgmental to others.

So, to be clear:  My feelings on ever having a new love are just that, mine for me.  I am happy for anyone of any age who finds love again after such a loss.  Just because it's not for me doesn't mean I think it's wrong or disrespectful or would take away from another love.  I absolutely do not think that way.  A new love does not mean someone has "replaced" their lost love.  Of course not.  And it can be very special in its own right.  We know that love is infinite and can be infinitely shared.

Especially because you are young and if it's right for you, I hope you do find a new relationship if/when you are ready.  He would have to be very, very special to be worthy of you and your daughter.  If that happens for you, I hope you can embrace fully the idea that it would never diminish the love you have for your husband.  That will never change.

((hugs))

Please know that I didn’t think you were being judgmental at all.  I took it as your opinion and everyone is allowed to have their own.  And I appreciate your kindness.  
 

For me being 42 and looking at what time I have left and being alone the rest of it........well let’s just say I would rather have someone to spend my life with.  Eventually my daughter will be off to her own life and I would like to have someone to share with, to do things with, to be my emergency contact and the other million things I took for granted when I had them.  However that said, I have a lot on the line as I think of the future because it is not just me that I have to consider but my daughter too.   I would not and could not consider a relationship unless she was comfortable having that person in our lives.  She is my world.  

[BBB]

No opinion here is right or wrong. Every person is going to have different thoughts and feelings on the matter. I fall into the group that is older and cannot see myself getting into another relationship. And frankly, that works out fine for me as I really don't want to. Others will feel differently as well as be different ages and stages in life

 

[Guest Sue4]

Furthest thing from my troubled mind and broken heart. 

[Gail 8588]

The concept of being in a new relationship is very complicated.  Age is certainly a factor. But the mindset of the survivor is also a big factor. 

A very good friend of ours lost his wife of 45 years very unexpectedly.  This man adored his wife and I know he was devastated by her death.  But John and I both felt he would be married within the year, as he really needed the support of a wife to function. It's hard to explain, but it was clear to us that he just would not be able to cope alone. 

About 8 months later, he did marry a woman that he had known for several decades professionally.  They are very compatible and happy together.  I am happy for them both. I don't think he judges his second wife as compared to his first. He is grateful for her affection and companionship and they have a new relationship.

My mindset is that I have no interest in being in a relationship with another man.  I had a wonderful 40 years with my love and that will last me for my lifetime. 

But I do recognize that my friend who remarried, is likely to have a much happier, less lonely, golden years experience than I will have.   

Gail

[Missy1]

7 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Personally, I feel that finding someone to care about again doesn’t take anything away from what I had with my husband.  I spent 23 amazing years with him and what we had was special and dear to me.    I don’t know that it would be fair to compare anything to that.  But that doesn’t mean a new relationship with someone new couldn’t be special in its own right?   I am a teacher so I will use a student analogy.   I have special educational students.   Each child has their strengths and areas where there is room for improvement.  They each have their own personalities and quirks.  I have learned to appreciate the best aspects of each student rather than trying to compare them to each other.  Comparisons require one to look at negatives rather than positives.    I think relationships are similar.   Comparing a new relationship to what you had requires you to looks for the negatives.  You are essentially looking for all of the reasons that it doesn’t measure up rather than being open to positives.  Is a new relationship going to be the same?  No but it might still be good in a different way.

Would I want to go through the heart ache against losing another person? Most definitely not......truth be told I am sure most of us would have wished to switch places with our spouses.   Not only because we loved them and would do any for them but also then we would have avoided such devastation.   But avoiding a new relationship and possible happiness, because I am afraid of losing someone also means that I am choosing to lose out on the possibility of being happy again. 

I’m glad you found what’s right for you personally I love my husband fiercely I am loyal and I will never be in another relationship because I’m still in love with him. I totally understand some people really just need to find somebody again and they don’t want to be alone

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I would not and could not consider a relationship unless she was comfortable having that person in our lives.  She is my world.

I'm so glad you understood and didn't think I was judging anyone.

Of course your daughter is your number one priority.  Any man who wanted to be part of your lives really would have to be very special.  He would have to be secure in himself and understand that you will never stop loving your husband.  He would have to be kind, caring, honest, and an all around good man.  I hope that one day you do find such a man because you are so young and deserve happiness and companionship in your life.  I can't help but think that when she grows up, your daughter would want that for you too.  She may feel easier about starting her own life if she knows you are not alone.

I'll tell you this:  You deserve to find what happiness and love you can as you make your way through the years.  We all do.  For some, it may be new friends, for others it may be new love.  I am learning to accept the grace of the unexpected bits of light and hope that come my way.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Missy1 said:

I’m glad you found what’s right for you personally I love my husband fiercely I am loyal and I will never be in another relationship because I’m still in love with him. I totally understand some people really just need to find somebody again and they don’t want to be alone

I love my husband and I always will.   That doesn’t mean that at some point I can’t love someone again.  I guess my point is that having someone to care about in my life and someone to care about me doesn’t diminish or negate what I had with Ryan or how much I love him.  
 

If I never find someone that is the right fit then I am ok with being alone.  However, I am not willing to shut the door, lock it and give up.  I enjoy having someone to talk to and share things with which is different than having a relationship because I don’t like being alone.  

50 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I'll tell you this:  You deserve to find what happiness and love you can as you make your way through the years.  We all do.  For some, it may be new friends, for others it may be new love.  I am learning to accept the grace of the unexpected bits of light and hope that come my way.

Thank you and I think we all do as well.    I have my family & of course my in-laws as well as an amazing daughter and amazing niece.  I have some good friends and coworkers that are amazing.  So I am blessed in so many ways.  I just miss having someone to share my life with. I think my parents get tired of talking to me sometimes.   And I know my daughter can’t be my only social outlet.  Nor can my coworkers.  

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

On 8/14/2020 at 5:57 AM, BBB said:

People have said to me tha "I'll meet someone else" and other things to that effect.

ARGH!!!  What is wrong with people? 

 

8 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I guess my point is that having someone to care about in my life and someone to care about me doesn’t diminish or negate what I had with Ryan or how much I love him.  

 

12 hours ago, BBB said:

No opinion here is right or wrong.

All of the above!  We do what we feel is right for us.  I will say that your response may evolve over the years even if you don't think that's possible now.  It's not disloyal to love again.  Will you ever find someone again like your spouse or have with them what you did with your spouse?  No.  It would be uniquely different.  I don't date or expect to find someone but I've heard it said, "Never say never."  and so I don't.  None of us can predict the future...I will say it doesn't look likely, esp. since I don't date!  What we had was so special, so wonderful, I can't imagine having anything on that realm again...

[KayC]

13 hours ago, MikeyD said:

I believe it depends how long and the age of togetherness.

Not necessarily.  Some who are together 50 years remarry, some who are two years do not, it's all a matter of personal preference and whether someone runs across someone that seems right to them.  We can't predict, but we do have our own strong gut feelings about it, our response can change in time.

[Beverly Graham]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Not necessarily.  Some who are together 50 years remarry, some who are two years do not, it's all a matter of personal preference and whether someone runs across someone that seems right to them.  We can't predict, but we do have our own strong gut feelings about it, our response can change in time.

You're so right on this one, KayC.
Me and my fiancé  Alan have been together for less than 2 years, and both of us talked about this many times; we both knew in our hearts that we could never have any relationship again if one of us passed on, and since his first day in the ICU, I already knew that I truly meant it. I told him since before that if he went before me, I would spend the rest of my life taking care of my 2 boys, and that I'd wait til we were both together again...and I know that will never change. He's my soulmate, my world, my everything.

[widower2]

On 8/14/2020 at 11:37 PM, Missy1 said:

I’m glad you found what’s right for you personally I love my husband fiercely I am loyal and I will never be in another relationship because I’m still in love with him. I totally understand some people really just need to find somebody again and they don’t want to be alone

I don't know all of your specific circumstances and I think it's far too soon for you to be thinking about it regardless, but for what it's worth, being in another relationship some day would not be "betraying" him in the slightest. For anyone who thinks they can't ever be in another relationship because of this I would ask them to reconsider. It's not like that person is still here and you'd be "cheating" on them. I think you will see them one day- but not in this existence. Meanwhile, as long as you ARE in this existence, and they cannot be, forcing yourself into a lonely life IMO proves and accomplishes nothing for you or them except more loneliness. 

People have said "it could never be the same with someone else." Well of course not. But it doesn't have to be the same to be worthwhile. 

My .02. 

Also ref my comments on this in the "Dreaded Words" thread...

 

[KayC]

Decided to share a PM I sent to someone, it's embarrassing for me to tell my story but will do so as a word of caution to anyone so they might never experience what I did:

 

I hope that last thread with all of the differing responses didn't get to you, everyone is entitled to how they think/feel, and I do understand your feeling you could never be with anyone else, how else could you feel!  I feel least qualified to speak on this as I remarried after George died...unfortunately, in my vulnerable state, he turned out to be a con that stuck me with $57,000 of his debts, he never lived with me but lived with another woman and yet another one while we were married, I had to file a missing person's report on him and file divorce, should have been able to annul it.  It was horrible, horrible!  I realize I never would have gotten myself into this situation had I not been so vulnerable in my grief...plus all of our friends disappeared on me immediately after he died, my two closest friends even before the funeral!  That left me desperate for someone to talk to and this vulture preyed on me, smelling my vulnerability so to speak.  I realize that I was trying to rebuild my life and not expect my kids to fulfill me like my mom did to us kids for 33 years.  My love for George has never changed, he is and was my soul mate, the love of my life, the person that totally got me and understood me and I miss him more than anything!  I know he'd be the first to forgive me my desperation and would hunt this guy down and make him reckon to him, if only he could.  George was always my protector, my best friend, my lover, my everything.  We fit together in every way and I've never met anyone even close to being deserving of washing the dust off his shoes!

I hope this conversation hasn't upset you.  I realize people all feel differently.  All of us had a different, unique relationship and only we can know what we had and lost.  My best friend (who I became friends with after George's death) lost her husband a few years after I did, and five years later married someone who had lost his spouse four years before.  I'm very happy for them...wish he hadn't had her move to TX with him though!  I miss her.  But I'm glad they're happy.  It certainly hasn't been in my cards.

[Art Thebes]

But avoiding a new relationship and possible happiness, because I am afraid of losing someone also means that I am choosing to lose out on the possibility of being happy again. 


I choose life. I try, I fail, I fall down, and with some help, I get back up.
I would happily hear four simple words, “Honey, please come home”, than never have that feeling or hear those simple words again.
So, when she says those words, I’ll gladly be there, asa-effin-p...



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[Maria_PI]

KayC thank you for sharing your story! You have gone through some hard times and I am so glad you have persevered! I get infuriated when I hear of people deceiving and taking advantage of others in their most vulnerable state! In a sense I went through something similar very early in life, it was my first true love (or so I thought) who turned out to be a thief and conman, even stealing from me and my family right in front of my love blind eyes. When I think back I feel so embarrassed I have to shake my head to try and get rid of those thoughts. That I think scarred me for a long time. I couldn’t trust a man fully, ever. I learned to be independent to the extreme and took a long time till I met my husband. He was 16 years older than me, and now I realize how my soul must have aged from that first relationship gone bizarre. It took me 2 years and his persistence of a true Taurus to finally agree to get married. And he was the most trusting and open person I know, ever! He did not have a secret from me, I know all his passwords, bank accounts, medical records, everything. He had not spent a minute of his life since we met that I didn’t know where he was, and vice versa. And neither of us felt the need to hide anything from each other. I know it’s too early for me to say but I don’t know if I will ever find this again with anyone else.


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[Maria_PI]

On the broader question here "thoughts of loving again" - yes, absolutely! Loving someone else does not mean I don't love my late husband any more or forget about him. A relationship - that's another story. In addition to loving my husband, I also admired him, for his honesty, intuition, sensitivity, creativity and unshakeable spirit. On top of being handsome and always striving for the highest quality in everything. I will never stop talking about him, listening to his music, talking about everything I learned from him. A relationship is a two-way street, so who would ever want to be in a relationship with me when I am constantly referring to my late husband for this and for that. I don't know...

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

He did not have a secret from me, I know all his passwords, bank accounts, medical records, everything

It does take that transparency in a relationship.  George and I had that too!  I think I was just in such a grief fog, such shock, trying to rebuild my life, not even realizing what the hell I was doing!  I told my son later if I ever got into a relationship again I would run it by him!  He is the wisest person I know, has impeccable character, I trust his judgment.  But even he got taken in, goes to show what emotions can do that even a wise genius can be deceived when the greatest con comes along.  He is trying to make it work...she is horrible.  They have kids together, he will not divorce and jeopardize one moment with his kids.  Both sides of the family are aghast at her and how she treats everyone.  At least they have two beautiful children together...I worry about either of them turning out like her though!  Genes?  IDK.  Example?  IDK.  Perhaps some of both...I know we don't have to turn out like our parents, my mom was crazy/mental, I did not turn out like her, thankfully, nor did my sisters.  One of my sisters has her temper, I feel for her husband.

2 hours ago, Maria_PI said:

A relationship is a two-way street, so who would ever want to be in a relationship with me when I am constantly referring to my late husband for this and for that. I don't know...

Probably another widower would get it, more likely than one who had not experienced this.  I don't know, I have not met anyone in all these years I'd even consider dating!  I do miss having a companion to do things with, count on.  My FIL had that for over 30 years, he never told her he loved her (she didn't want to remarry) but he did.  But they both enjoyed a wonderful friendship.  That after 40 years of marriage!

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

  But they both enjoyed a wonderful friendship.

This is the one relationship I can actually envision for me, someday, maybe.

From the time I was a child, I had male friends, "boys who were friends," you might say.  All through school, there were men in my life who would never be more than friends.  It never occurred to me that men and women can't be good friends.  (I won't say "just friends" because there's no "just" about a deep friendship.)  I believe my husband's deep friendship with our best female friend only strengthened our life together.  Then again, my husband and her husband are men who respect women as people, not objects.  Not all people are like that.  She is my sister in every way but birth.  Her husband, our other best friend, was my friend first.  And he and my husband were brothers in every way but birth.  Sharing a true platonic love between the four of us has made our lives richer and fuller.  They were two of the few people I could stand being around the first several months.

It's a bit of a cliche, but I had a few truly deep friendships with gay men I met in the theater.  In fact, one of my best gay friends and I were cast opposite each other in a show, which is how we met.  It was also the first time I saw the man who would become my husband.  He was playing in the orchestra.  One night during a dress rehearsal break, my friend and I were standing downstage waiting for a cue.  We looked down and saw him.  We asked each other, "Hey, who's the new trombone player?  He's cute!"  And he was so handsome, laughing at something someone said.  My friend said, "Well, we'll find out and if he's single, he's bound to like one of us!"  Years later, after my husband and I were married, my friend and I told him that story.  He chuckled and said, "I guess you were right."

So I could see somewhere down the line having a single male friend to spend time with.  I have several male friends now, but they're all married to my female friends.  It might be nice to have that kind of companionship, as long as he was of the same mind.

For now, it's better for me to be where I am with a small circle of friends old and new who "get" me and make my life less lonely.

[BBB]

I  will just say this - "to each their own". Doesn't work for me but if you can find love elsewhere and are happy in doing so, go for it

[KayC]

@foreverhis  I hope this for you too!  I would like that as well.  BBB, we are not talking about falling in love, etc. but having someone to spend time with, go places with, help each other out, talk to.  Our female friends are busy with their husbands/families.  We are alone, A LOT!  15 years of such aloneness seems a very long time to me.  I, too, cannot picture living with someone or remarrying, I've been on my own for so long, but I also know from my friends Beth and Bob (she was 84 when they found each other) that one can never say never, you never know what the future brings.  But one can fight against it, I suppose, if they desire.