Birthdays and Moving On

[KristyJ]

Hi everyone - first time poster, needing to get some insight or advice from someone that may understand where I’m coming from or may experience this as well.  It’s difficult for anyone who hasn’t lost someone close to really understand, despite best intentions. 
 

I lost my husband 9 years ago, suddenly, to a heart attack. He was 43, I was 33. It was tragic, I tried to save him, my 7 year old son witnessed it, but it was too late. 
 

I think I’ve been able to deal with this as well as I could. But I’ve realized that every year, his birthday creates chaos and turmoil in my life for about a week leading up to the day. 

I am overcome with emotion, unable to function properly, and I lash out at those around me. I have destroyed relationships, giving in to sudden feelings of mistrust, abandonment issues, and just generally being a miserable person to be around.  I can’t sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. Work suffers, I cry a lot, friendships and relationships suffer.

this year is no different, if not worse. I have not been able to maintain a romantic relationship since he passed away but I have finally met someone who I feel has potential. I have been dating him for about 7 months, but now since the birthday is coming up, our relationship is on the fritz. I’m self-sabotaging, I know it, and I don’t know how to not do that. 
 

I told him why, I’ve tried to explain, he’s being as understanding as possible I think but there’s not much he can do to help. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve researched until wee hours of the morning, nothing helps. 
 

has anyone experienced this? Any words of advice?
 

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and the immense grief that his birthday triggers.  Have you tried a different therapist?  I'm glad you explained to your SO but I know that only helps to a point, and you are in danger of pushing him away.  I will message you more...

[widower2]

I'm also very sorry for your loss and this "crazy time" in your life. Obviously this is a short-term workaround at best, but maybe you could say to your S.O. about a week or so before this day, just let me be by myself and weather the storm and I'll call when I'm feeling sane again. 

The long term obviously is harder. It sounds like maybe part of the way you've dealt with this loss is to sort of "harbor up" your feelings of loss, anger, grief etc during the year with the understanding that you'll let loose around his birthday? Just a thought. Definitely a good therapist is a good call though. I wish you the best and if you need to vent here, it's a good place to do so. Kay is esp on top of things

[MODArtemis2019]

I am very sorry for your loss. I hesitated to reply because I haven't gotten to your stage of forming a  new relationship yet. So I can't comment based on that type of personal experience. 

On 8/13/2020 at 11:22 AM, KristyJ said:

I lost my husband 9 years ago, suddenly, to a heart attack. He was 43, I was 33. It was tragic, I tried to save him, my 7 year old son witnessed it, but it was too late. 

You experienced a deep psychological trauma when your husband died. There is so much unsaid underneath your simple sentences, it's fearful to contemplate. 

On 8/13/2020 at 11:22 AM, KristyJ said:

I am overcome with emotion, unable to function properly, and I lash out at those around me. I have destroyed relationships, giving in to sudden feelings of mistrust, abandonment issues, and just generally being a miserable person to be around.  I can’t sleep, and when I do I have nightmares. Work suffers, I cry a lot, friendships and relationships suffer.

I'm not a therapist, but I wonder if what you describe is akin to a form of PTSD. Did your therapist ever address your symptoms in terms of trauma recovery? I would encourage you to return to therapy, perhaps with a different therapist or, at least, with a different approach. You don't mention how long you were in therapy; that may make a difference as well. 

On a practical level, if the response is limited to about a week, then widower2's suggestion is very apt. Stay away from your new partner and tell him why honestly, if you don't want to practice further sabotage. You have a lot of insight into your behavior—but obviously the insight isn't enough to change your behavior. It seems a part of you is not ready to move on. Have you ever asked yourself in a quiet moment, Why am I sabotaging my relationship? Then let the answer emerge from within. 

There have been times during my grieving when I have been immersed in horrible feelings of guilt surrounding my husband's death. In the middle of one such painful episode, the question came into my head, "Why are you torturing yourself?" And the answer popped in immediately, "Because it gives my life meaning." Which of course, is a big thing that was lost when my husband died. 

[Art Thebes]

On 8/13/2020 at 10:22 AM, KristyJ said:

this year is no different, if not worse. I have not been able to maintain a romantic relationship since he passed away but I have finally met someone who I feel has potential. I have been dating him for about 7 months, but now since the birthday is coming up, our relationship is on the fritz. I’m self-sabotaging, I know it, and I don’t know how to not do that. 

In case no one has told you this yet today:

You are special.

You are strong.

You matter.

We are proud of you.

 

On 8/22/2020 at 12:30 PM, MODArtemis2019 said:

There have been times during my grieving when I have been immersed in horrible feelings of guilt surrounding my husband's death. In the middle of one such painful episode, the question came into my head, "Why are you torturing yourself?" And the answer popped in immediately, "Because it gives my life meaning." Which of course, is a big thing that was lost when my husband died. 

I was with my best friend this week, when she fell suddenly and harshly into the pit...

I watched her break into millions of little pieces, and I was helpless to do anything about it, except hold her and let her despair... it crushed me to see her torture herself so...

I held her, and I could feel her pain, her fear, her mistrust, her compromises, her failures imagined and real... I could feel her guilt.

I could literally hear the howling winds of confusion and anger that were the whirlwind of her thoughts... 

I could see the dichotomy of her inner struggle to get to her safe place, anyplace that wasn't the pit... vs. the impetus, the drive, the need to beat herself up, over and over again.

I held her and loved her, as she would gain footing and then tumble ever inexorably and inevitably deeper and deeper into the pit.

I held her and I watched her with awe, as she fought back, blow for blow, eye for eye; a sudden and unwavering resolve to be... to exist... 

I held her, as she finally came back to me.

I watched her smile, as her eyes met mine.

I know I cannot fix something that is both involuntary, and self inflicted...

I know that really upsets me... and then I remember she once told me that "we can be broken together..." and I took a deep breath, tried to accept something that I cannot change.

I know that her knowledge that her pain caused me pain, will only fuel the fires and frightening chorus of voices in her head, that have nothing nice to say to her. ever...

I know I have the patience and perseverance to keep holding her, whenever she breaks and I am close enough to catch her...

I know that it will still break me.

I know that I will torture myself, for my inability to help her, for her pain worsened by the knowledge of inflicting what she believes is intolerable on me, while we try to find our footing on our own; dragging ourselves out of the pit... neither quite realizing how much one carried the other...

I know that I will still try to fix something that doesn't belong to me, isn't my choice, and I can't do anything about it...

I know it gives her purpose... 

I hope

I really, truly hope someday...

someday, she will find purpose in herself to know that she is good, she is kind, she is strong, and she did nothing wrong... it's not your fault.