Worse

[BBB]

For me, the grief is getting worse not better. As time goes on, the missing of my wife, talking to her, seeing her, etc. makes the longing for those things increase. The support does dry up because as time goes by, not only do people get on with their lives but they want you to get on with yours. In some respects, they probably get tired of hearing about the same thing all the time. I do have counseling that is still there as support but family, friends sort of get the 'get over it already' tone. I don't want to be combative with them so I generally say nothing but I feel like saying "i'm never going to get over it'. My wife was my world and maybe in that regard, I set myself up for maximum grief upon her loss. Internally I'm going pretty nuts.

[KayC]

You don't need to be combative to state your truth.  They need to stop copping the attitude and be more understanding.  You don't need that kind of "support."  I'm sorry, society doesn't get it, unless they've been through it themselves, family/friends or otherwise.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry BBB. For your loss and for how badly our society SUCKS at understanding and knowing how to deal with this. You didn't say how long it's been but keep in mind this is a marathon, not a sprint. It takes time. I know you don't want to hear that and I don't enjoy saying it, it's just reality. Forgive the stupid cliche but it's true: day at a time.

[ccoflove]

People who havent been through it dont have a clue, that's why this group is invaluable. After time goes by people are impatient with your grief and want you to get back to your old self. I understand why people dont talk about their loss after awhile cause it can make you feel even more isolated in your pain then trying to get others to understand something they cant.

[KayC]

I rarely talk about it other than my forums or grief support group for that reason.  I don't expect others to get it. They can make harsh judgments and then I have to come down on them.

[jwahlquist]

On 8/11/2020 at 6:47 AM, BBB said:

For me, the grief is getting worse not better. As time goes on, the missing of my wife, talking to her, seeing her, etc. makes the longing for those things increase.

This I think is by far the hardest part for me as well.  I miss having someone to talk to, to share with & to spend time with.  Some days are worse than others.  For example today has been especially tough.   I found the handprint we made while my husband was in ICU and a song came on the radio.......I ended up sitting in my closet crying.   I know that I have less days that I cry like that but I have yet to have a day where I don’t want to pick up my phone and share something with Ryan.   He used to tease me that I called him WAY too much while he was working.  I just want to hear his voice again but anytime I listen to what messages I have left I am a wreck.   Somedays I feel as if there is nothing that will ever make me happy again.   

[Yoli]

I was going start a post on this very subject today too. I seen to be even deeper in my grief now - just over three months. I don't know if it is because I have spent the last few afternoons at the house by myself. The sinking feet that this is it, this is my life now in this quiet house that always was full of noise. The space next to me in bed will never be full again. Our secret language is now one of those extinct languages you hear about. Our shared memories are now mine to upkeep.

People ask me Did I have a good day and I say No and How are you? I say Crap and they ask me why. Why in the hell do you think?

I am still in the midst of the most unimaginable pain and they have moved on. I feel I have nothing to look forward to. This next year is going to be all the firsts - our anniversary has already been on the 4th of July - less than two months after her passing.

People often say to me, What would she want?, well she would want to still be here I can tell you that!!!!! Of course I don't say that and I know in my heart that she wouldn't want me to be in this much pain but I can't help it.

[widower2]

2 hours ago, Yoli said:

People ask me Did I have a good day and I say No and How are you? I say Crap and they ask me why. Why in the hell do you think?

This sounds a lot like me in those early days. Any time someone said "how are you" I wanted to punch them in the face for asking such a stupid question. Then after I did, I'd go "HOW ARE YOU?" 

What I learned after my emotions started to not resemble a Class 5 hurricane was that I should have focused on their intent (showing an interest, presumably genuine, of how I was holding up) vs the bumbling way they went about it. In hindsight that was a lot better than "friends" who disappeared and showed no such interest. I respectfully suggest you try the same, though I know it's way way easier said than done. Basically our society and people in general suck at this. They don't know what to say or do. Try to keep that in mind and be more forgiving than you might care to be. My .02 for what it's worth, which I realize may be nothing...

[Yoli]

Thank you Widower2. You are right in that at least they are asking.

To top today off I got the Coronial Report today in the mail. I don't know how much more I can take.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, Yoli said:

Thank you Widower2. You are right in that at least they are asking.

To top today off I got the Coronial Report today in the mail. I don't know how much more I can take.

((HUGS))

I am sorry that you are having a rough day. I wish the small things didn’t derail us so easily.  I know that I had several of those moments.  I absolutely feel for you.  I hope that tomorrow’s better for us both.  

[KayC]

Getting the coronary report is a big deal.  I felt much like that when I got a copy of his death certificate.  Something about seeing it in black and white.  (((hugs)))

17 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 For example today has been especially tough.   I found the handprint we made while my husband was in ICU and a song came on the radio.......I ended up sitting in my closet crying.

I'm sorry.  I know we can only go through it, no way to avoid it, but there are times it is really tough.  I hope today feels a bit better.

[jwahlquist]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Getting the coronary report is a big deal.  I felt much like that when I got a copy of his death certificate.  Something about seeing it in black and white.  (((hugs)))

I'm sorry.  I know we can only go through it, no way to avoid it, but there are times it is really tough.  I hope today feels a bit better.

Thank you.   So far today is a bit better.  I took the kids and their friends to an amusement park.  I am sitting and relaxing.  I have things to look forward to which is always nice.  

[JanellBea]

Hello to all.  This is my first post. I lost my husband in January of this year.  Yes, it is getting worse instead of better.  Silly me, thought things would start to get better at some point, and to my surprise, the past two months have been unbearable. I think the more I try and get out, return to normal, do everyday things, the worse it is.  If I stay home, hibernate, it feels safe and just maybe.... he might come home.  Obviously that is not  going to happen, but I just feel safe at home.  As all of you know, there are just no words to describe the waves that overcome suddenly.  You never know what will trigger a landslide.  Today, one of my FB memories was a simple post.  "Watching the hubs mow the lawn. Life is good." I immediatly went into meltdown.  How I miss the little things like watching him mow the lawn.  This year has been full of changes for me.  He passed on January 10th, we lived 10 hours away from our families.  Covid hit, I was alone until April until I moved back to our hometown.  I have a strong faith in God, and that is what keeps me going, and the support of my family here.  I have much to be thankful for, but the heart just breaks over and over and over.  I hope to find some comfort in this forum.  Thank you all for sharing.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Thank you.   So far today is a bit better.  I took the kids and their friends to an amusement park.  I am sitting and relaxing.  I have things to look forward to which is always nice.  

I'm glad!  Last night Kodie (puppy) had a play date with Bella, watching them play together and run was so therapeutic and enjoyable!  Had to give him a bath afterwards and for the first time he didn't fight it, maybe I'm getting somewhere with him!

9 hours ago, JanellBea said:

Hello to all.  This is my first post. I lost my husband in January of this year.  Yes, it is getting worse instead of better.  Silly me, thought things would start to get better at some point, and to my surprise, the past two months have been unbearable. I think the more I try and get out, return to normal, do everyday things, the worse it is.  If I stay home, hibernate, it feels safe and just maybe.... he might come home.  Obviously that is not  going to happen, but I just feel safe at home.  As all of you know, there are just no words to describe the waves that overcome suddenly.  You never know what will trigger a landslide.  Today, one of my FB memories was a simple post.  "Watching the hubs mow the lawn. Life is good." I immediatly went into meltdown.  How I miss the little things like watching him mow the lawn.  This year has been full of changes for me.  He passed on January 10th, we lived 10 hours away from our families.  Covid hit, I was alone until April until I moved back to our hometown.  I have a strong faith in God, and that is what keeps me going, and the support of my family here.  I have much to be thankful for, but the heart just breaks over and over and over.  I hope to find some comfort in this forum.  Thank you all for sharing.

I welcome you and am so glad you found this place, although I am very sorry for the reason, am so sorry for you losing your husband also.  

Facebook memories can be super hard!  I am glad you have your faith and the support of your family.  I hope you will continue to read and post as it helps us to express ourselves and know we are heard by others that get it, and also to know we are not alone in what we're experiencing.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful in my first ten years on my grief journey, I hope you will find something that helps you today, something else perhaps further on down the road, as this is an ever evolving journey.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[BBB]

Lost my wife this year also and like you getting worse not better. Personally, I wish every night that I go to bed at night that I don't wake up the next morning

[Nmark]

I too have had a rough week. My husband was killed in a car wreck that was in no way his fault 9 weeks ago today. I just don’t want to live my life without him by my side. So many things I’ve read here have hit home. He said things to me that only I would understand, I miss him so much in my bed, I miss him so much in everything single thing I do because he was a part of absolutely everything. He even usually weaseled his way into my showers. I feel like my kids want me to be over it already and just be okay so I pretend, but that kills me too. I also feel like I’m just going through the motions of life without any real joy. I’m sorry that anyone else has to go through this but I’m also thankful to read that I’m not abnormal for being so absolutely devastated and seem to be no better than day one right now. 

[Darlene13]

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago, and this week has been the hardest yet.  I guess the permanence is sinking in that we're never going to laugh together anymore, his side of the bed is just an empty space now, he's never going to hug me kiss me, or smile at me again.  Sometimes I get so sad I can barely force myself to keep going, trying to find my way through this dark place to some semblance of happiness.  I always loved to read, and now I can't even concentrate for a page or two.  I just don't care about much of anything.  This sucks worse than I can adequately describe.

[Gail 8588]

This is such a strange - uncertain - time, that it feels especially difficult for me to find a path to a life that feels even partially normal. 

Climate change is looming like a monster in the dark.  I read that increased rain in Africa has resulted in massive swarms of locust- not seen in more than 75 years- that will cause crop failures that will impact millions of people.  Ice sheets are melting - California is burning - Death Valley hit a record high temp of 130 degrees . Our planet is making adjustments and the impacts on our lives is hard to predict. I live in the Florida panhandle and we have 2 tropical storms at once coming into the Gulf of Mexico, and I don't have my sweetie to help me get through it all.

Covid-19 is wrecking our economy and requiring us to live in isolation that is difficult to bear when grieving.  Now they are saying that even if they develop a vaccine  it won't be widely avavailable before June of 2021.  It is so depressing to think this self isolation will be going on for nearly a year more - or longer.

The election is a mess- with so much uncertainty being stirred up,  will mail-in votes be counted, is the post office being messed with to impact the election, will the line to vote on election day be 6 hours long.  We all know the next 75 days are going to be brutal with robo calls,  talk radio, negative TV ads, and so much vitriol being spewed night and day.  I just want to be put in a coma for the next 75 days to avoid hearing it all.

The list goes on and on with financial stress from job losses, medical worries separate from Covid-19.  It is all too much.

My heart really goes out to those of you who have joined our sad club of grief this year, as your horrific loss has occurred while our whole society seems to be tumbling in free fall.  It is so hard to find anything solid to grab hold of to pull yourself out of your personal abyss of grief.

It is a wonder that any of us grieving the loss of our loved one can find our footing in these uncertain times. 

Gail

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Nmark said:

I too have had a rough week. My husband was killed in a car wreck that was in no way his fault 9 weeks ago today. I just don’t want to live my life without him by my side. So many things I’ve read here have hit home. He said things to me that only I would understand, I miss him so much in my bed, I miss him so much in everything single thing I do because he was a part of absolutely everything. He even usually weaseled his way into my showers. I feel like my kids want me to be over it already and just be okay so I pretend, but that kills me too. I also feel like I’m just going through the motions of life without any real joy. I’m sorry that anyone else has to go through this but I’m also thankful to read that I’m not abnormal for being so absolutely devastated and seem to be no better than day one right now. 

 

12 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I lost my husband 3 weeks ago, and this week has been the hardest yet.  I guess the permanence is sinking in that we're never going to laugh together anymore, his side of the bed is just an empty space now, he's never going to hug me kiss me, or smile at me again.  Sometimes I get so sad I can barely force myself to keep going, trying to find my way through this dark place to some semblance of happiness.  I always loved to read, and now I can't even concentrate for a page or two.  I just don't care about much of anything.  This sucks worse than I can adequately describe.

These could have been written by me all those years ago when I lost my husband.  It took me ten years to enjoy reading again, although since I've gotten a puppy last Dec. I haven't had time.  I couldn't watch t.v. even for years!  Definitely hits our focus.

I have learned to adjust as much as possible to the unthinkable, whereas in the beginning I had not thought it possible to survive a week without him.  Still don't like it, of course!  I would give anything to have him back, I think any of us would.