Three years ago today.

[MickeyD]

Loss of my wife of nearly 38 years to cancer, still the grief is unbelievable. I've talked to doctors of all kinds and I have no reason to live. If my aging mother was not still alive I would have ended my life. I am all alone and have no other family in the USA. I retired early to take care of my wife till she passed. Now after 3 years it's true, Grief changes shape but never ends. I hurt nearly everyday, I get up and just live, eat do what's needed and go to sleep. There is no happiness in my life. Nothing to live for. What a time for a world wide virus. Now I am told my cancer has returned. I hope I survive till my Mom passes, she is all alone and has Alzheimer's. They say these years are the golden years. Now you know why to me there's no God. Most people today have no idea what it's like to be with one person so long and watch them die in front of you.  Life was so good for me and to me,  then it ended. There is no sense when this happens in life. I never had to deal with death till my wife became ill. I'm not afraid to die. She was so strong till she passed. I never seen anyone suffer so needlessly. I hope I am strong like she was when I pass. I can't believe others have felt this way. I know I'm not the only one.

 

[@LeeNic]

I lost my husband recently and very unexpectedly. I understand your pain. None of this is fair. I felt like who I was died on that day also. I am sorry about your cancer returning. If I did not have my children, I would have been happy to leave this world. I just know I cannot live like this the rest of my life. I won’t want to live if this continues 

[MickeyD]

 

 

Everyone tells me you’ll get over it. Time heals all wounds. I can’t believe how bad it feels. Thanks for your response. I know I can’t live like this to long. Once my mother passes, she is the last of 7 sisters.. They all lived in Germany and have passed on. Maybe I’ll find something to do, but I traveled the world and had wonderful times in my work. I won’t travel alone again and I have no need to work. With the world in upheaved now I can’t even fly to Germany to be with all my cousins. I lost one trip already. I’m at peace there. I have a place to live and I speak the language. Its not my home I built in Fishkill NY. I love the house I bought her..it’s hard to leave such a secure place with no issues. It’s quiet and peaceful town. No violence. So beautiful nature and good people. Views and sun sets on the west side of the Hudson River upstate. Not to cold and not to hot. So many things to do if you have a friend for friendship. People at my age need companionship and friendship. Honestly goes a long way. Dating sites sucks. Thanks again for you words it helps me a lot. 

[Missy1]

It’s very strange that those goals we had, those things we wanted, those places we planned on going, have no more meaning. Dreams we built are gone, the sacrifices we made for nothing. We were married 26 yrs my constant companion, my true love, my rock, my protection against the mean world, my best friend, my evvveything is gone.
A couple of weeks before he unexpectedly died, I told him I truly loved him more than any human on this planet, I was so deeply in love with him I couldn’t imagine life without him. I saw a tear in his eye and he told me he never imagined  this kind of love existed.Yet it ended in tragedy and yet here I  am,  alone, I am slowly dying, I wish it was faster, I loathe every day without him by my side.

 

[MickeyD]

I know what you feel, I am alone also. Trying not to give up. I don't know. Thank you.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, MikeyD said:

Everyone tells me you’ll get over it. Time heals all wounds.

No.  We never get over it.  Time alone does nothing, it is what we do with it.  Grief is hard work, just when we least have it in us to give.  The only one who could tell you that is someone who has not experienced it, or at least on the level that we have.

I didn't meet my husband until our mid-40s, but we clicked, we knew we were soul mates, we were each other's one.  Who would have known our marriage would be so short and he would die so young!  The loss is no less whether five years or 50, we lost the love of our lives, our person, the one who was everything to us.  I have lived on my own, been independent, but once you've had "that one" it is never the same again...there is a difference between wanted solitude and the loneliness of missing your person, as all of here can attest.

I am sorry you also lost your spouse, I am very sorry you find no joy in life, not even tiny moments.  My son brought me a puppy before Christmas, I hate to think where I'd be without him as now I have to survive...for him.  He brings me moments of joy watching his eager playfulness.  No it's not the same as having George here, or even the dog I lost before him, but it is something and I know I couldn't have made it through this pandemic without him with me every day.

I'm sorry also that you are going through the dementia journey with your mom, I did also.  She passed six years ago this month.  

You have found a caring safe place to express yourself, I hope you will feel welcome to come back and read/post any time.  

Wishing you some peace and comfort.

13 hours ago, @LeeNic said:

I understand your pain. None of this is fair.

No, nothing about this is fair.  I am facing surgery on my hands, they said they are extremely bad, will start with the right one...I do not know how I'll do it without my husband here to help me.  All of my friends this age still have their husbands.  I've been 15 years alone on this journey.

[KayC]

Mikey, I wrote this article of what I've found helpful over the years, I hope something in it helps you, if not today, later on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.