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starting university..


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Heya, sorry for posting outside of the larger thread, i wasnt quite sure where to place myself!

Im not quite sure how to lay this out either, so ill let it fall as were..

Im 19, and i lost my older brother to a brain tumour coming up to a year and a half ago now. While he really gave it all, and we came through a surgery we thought successul, we had are hopes dashed in the following, and what were the last, weeks he was with us. I hate to spout cliche, but as an older bro he was really all that, sorry if this sounds a bit abstract, but from a certain age we just seemed to share are experiances in parralel, it was his openness which really allowed me to live so happilly. It kind of feels like looking through thick glass when i look back now. Now I have what i can only best describe as nightmares mixed in with some of my best memories.  He couldnt recognise me in his last weeks, and by the time i found my role in each trip up to see him he couldnt respond at all. I never got to say goodbye, goodluck or even make him laugth, and really thats whats killing me.

Through great support on the part of particular teachers and my parents, i managed not to entirely cockup my A-levels. Equally i decided id really like to make the move up to Uni, where it was based on somewhat blind determintation, i dont regret it now and i really thank my brother for it. Although on arriving i felt almost like being tipped out of a sack, and i think a mask went up immediately. I moved in on campus 3+months ago now, the people ive met, some who im ALREADY set to live with next year are some of the nicest, are, the nicest freinds ive ever made. Where i can honestly say the last few months have been SO great, ive spent it all behind the mask i came with. I feel somewhat ashamed in that where i place them as my friends, ive only actually opened up to, told, trusted, one of them. And but for the fact she suffered a tragedy, and in comforting her i JUST managed to opened up, not one person would know (she's moved away now sadly, while we chat, i still never look to pile her to heavy with my own problems). I get so many comments in regards to my laid back nature, while i can be crying in my room, 5 minutes later i just cant bring myself to reply "no im not having a good day" when i meet my housemate but a meter down the hall, or "no im not looking forward to christmas" owh and by the way...and it litterally holds true throughout ever damn encouter.

While some have pushed me a little further when im obviously seeming down, i manage to divert them with the same act, and so the stupid, idiotic farce grows...

I really dont know how to breach it with them, and i know i need to tackle my deeper feelings but also i know they could help.  Cheers for listening, i kind of left my family out somewhat, but they are very supportive. If somewhat spread and a tad complicated.

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