What’s the point?

[jwahlquist]

Lately I have been pondering exactly that.......

What’s the point in trying to go on with life when so much of what brought joy and meaning to my life is gone.  There are rare days where I actually find something enjoyable.  However on those occasions my first thought, each and every time, is how much more I would enjoy it if my husband were with me.  
We just went on vacation to the beach and I spent a good long while by myself crying and remembering all of the wonderful vacations we took to the beach as a family.    It was always our favorite spot to vacation.   It just hurt so much to drive past all of the places we stopped at just last year as a happy family.  
 

Today, I have been feeling very much like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  My own little personal cloud is just dampening my spirits so that I can’t even find a spark of joy.  I hardly have the energy to get the things done that I know need to be done.   Maybe it is the 6 month cloud of grief?   Maybe I just feel like giving up?    Maybe tomorrow will be better?
 

[Darlene13]

I just lost my husband of 30 yrs less than two weeks ago, and that thought crossed my mind the day he died and every day since.  I think it's something we're all going to struggle with for a while to come, but I have to have faith that we'll eventually find joy and purpose in life again.  This is extremely hard...just know there are others of us going through the same thing and we'll get through this somehow.  I just found this group, and it means a lot to connect with people who understand how difficult and painful this journey is.  Take care, and I'll be praying for you.

[@LeeNic]

I am so sorry you feel this way. I wish I. Hold wipe my hurt and yours away. I am so mad at my love for leaving me. Sad the next day. this just all stinks. It f##%%###ing sucks. 

[jwahlquist]

36 minutes ago, Darlene13 said:

I just found this group, and it means a lot to connect with people who understand how difficult and painful this journey is.  Take care, and I'll be praying for you.

I agree it is nice to come here and “talk” to others that understand.  I really try to “stop in” each day and at least read posts because it does remind me that I am not alone.  Thank you & I will keep you in my thoughts as well.  It is really damn hard being alone after 23 years together.  
 

39 minutes ago, @LeeNic said:

 

I am so sorry you feel this way. I wish I. Hold wipe my hurt and yours away. I am so mad at my love for leaving me.

 

Thank you. I have had the same wish many times.  If I could I would wave my magic wand and leave the pain behind.  However I guess the pain is the price I have to pay for having loved my husband so deeply and completely.   I am mostly mad at myself for not making him go to the doctor sooner.  For not taking the damn day off work and spending all day the last day he was conscious with him.   For not holding out a little longer with him on life support.   I would have laid in bed with him all day just to listen to his heartbeat.  

[Art Thebes]

Quote

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Today, I have been feeling very much like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.  My own little personal cloud is just dampening my spirits so that I can’t even find a spark of joy.  I hardly have the energy to get the things done that I know need to be done.   Maybe it is the 6 month cloud of grief?   Maybe I just feel like giving up?    Maybe tomorrow will be better?

I know the feeling... all too well. 

and I'm fairly certain that I actually made it rain the other day... blue skies and sun, except for wherever I was... it made me laugh, as I drove down the road, and I saw a girls soccer practice, suddenly look up and run for cover, as I drove by.

It was probably mean of me, but I laughed and laughed, as I drove around the city; north, south, right, left, it didn't matter where I went, that cloud of rain stayed right over me the whole time. I spent about 2hrs, laughing like a madman, watching picnics get ruined, walks cut short, lawn mowing stopped... and then I hit the breaks... as I turned into an unknown neighborhood... a little girl was having a "birthday party", without the friends she wanted there, without the "fun" she had hoped for. I could tell the family was trying their best to make her happy... she looked RIGHT AT ME, little lips quivering... and then UP AT THE RAIN CLOUD... and then back at me... a single tear, ran down her cheek.

I smiled, waved, honked my horn and yelled "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS!!!" out my window and backed up, down the street; the rain backed up with me... 

as she faded from view, I could see her smile and clap her hands...

I stopped laughing and spreading my pain, and went back to the house I now reside in (I cannot and WILL NOT use that word... "home"), and it rained over just me for the rest of the day...

 

7 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I just lost my husband of 30 yrs less than two weeks ago, and that thought crossed my mind the day he died and every day since.  I think it's something we're all going to struggle with for a while to come, but I have to have faith that we'll eventually find joy and purpose in life again.  This is extremely hard...just know there are others of us going through the same thing and we'll get through this somehow.  I just found this group, and it means a lot to connect with people who understand how difficult and painful this journey is. 

thank you for coming here! I have only been here for a few months... time stands still for us on this side, and the stillness and silence is often unbearable... I hope you can find some comfort here. Anything we can do to help, or if you just want to vent or cry or yell, we're here for you too.

[Darlene13]

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness and support. This is all still so surreal to me that I will never see my husband again as long as I live. The doctors said the chemo should hold his leukemia at bay for two years and he seemed to be holding his own, then suddenly in a few weeks time, it went from chronic to acute and spread to his brain.  He was gone before I hardly had time to process what was happening, almost exactly a year since his diagnosis..  We were supposed to have another year...I feel cheated and am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I'm a widow at 53 and have to find a way to carry on for my daughters' sake.  This is the hardest thing I've ever been through.  Every morning I wake up in tears...I'm trying to believe that somehow this awful pain will dull with time.  I am glad to have this group of people who understand and care. 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

Maybe it is the 6 month cloud of grief?

That may be, it does take MUCH time to get to a better place, and that better place is still never like "before," I won't lie to you, but better than at first, better than at six months.  Be ever understanding and patient and gentle with yourself.

[KayC]

11 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

I just lost my husband of 30 yrs less than two weeks ago, and that thought crossed my mind the day he died and every day since.  I think it's something we're all going to struggle with for a while to come, but I have to have faith that we'll eventually find joy and purpose in life again.  This is extremely hard...just know there are others of us going through the same thing and we'll get through this somehow.  I just found this group, and it means a lot to connect with people who understand how difficult and painful this journey is.  Take care, and I'll be praying for you.

I began practicing the art of LOOKING for joy at 11 days out, and it was a life changer for me, I eventually developed the art of living in the present moment, and when I did, I began to notice a change within me, that of appreciating what IS instead of merely lamenting what ISN'T.  It took much time to get there.

I am very sorry for your loss, my husband died suddenly & unexpectedly 15 years ago, barely 51.  I didn't see how I can live w/o him for a WEEK, let alone the rest of my life! Learning to take one day at a time (less in the earlier days) and practice that still, if I try to think too far ahead, it invites anxiety, something I struggle with anyway.\

I wrote this article at about ten years, of the things I've found helpful, I want to share it with you in the hopes you'll find something useful today, perhaps something else later on.  This journey is not a one-size-fits-all, but we all find our own way, what brings us comfort.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

11 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

it means a lot to connect with people who understand how difficult and painful this journey is.

We are glad you found us!

[Darlene13]

@KayCThank you for your helpful advice and wisdom, and for your prayers, too.  I'm sure I'll refer to your list of pointers again and again when I have trouble finding my way.  Sending you a hug today, too.  

[Art Thebes]

6 hours ago, Darlene13 said:

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness and support. This is all still so surreal to me that I will never see my husband again as long as I live. The doctors said the chemo should hold his leukemia at bay for two years and he seemed to be holding his own, then suddenly in a few weeks time, it went from chronic to acute and spread to his brain.  He was gone before I hardly had time to process what was happening

A little over three decades ago, my step-father (the only father I ever knew or had) just kept getting sick and received misdiagnosis after another. We found out in late May, and just a few weeks later, on my 17th birthday, he passed from malignant melanoma that had metastasized from a spot on his eye, to his liver, stomach and lungs. He was 49 years young. I am 51, as of the end of June. I know and remember that pain all too well. And now, I am without wife, children, dogs, or home; there are no siblings, no friends, nothing; just a cool, dark basement apartment to greet me, at the end of my day... and of course, all of you  

It's "funny" the things we take for granted, the things we "think" we can "process". Sudden loss, is an impossible "process". It just IS... and it stinks. 

I pray some small kindness finds and touches you this day.

[Darlene13]

@Art Thebes. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  I think you're right, probably no amount of time would have been sufficient to process the loss and be at peace with it.  I am so very sorry for the magnitude of your losses.  I truly hope little by little you are able to find some happiness again.  I'll be praying for you, friend.  

[jwahlquist]

7 hours ago, Art Thebes said:

It's "funny" the things we take for granted, the things we "think" we can "process". Sudden loss, is an impossible "process". It just IS... and it stinks. 

This ^^^^
 

My husband got sick suddenly and he coded in the ER.  They brought him back, he spent 6 days in the ICU On life support, had a million tests done, all of which to conclude that in the 2 minutes without oxygen to his brain he suffered an anoxic brain injury and would never wake again.  There is not any sort of preparation you can do for that.  I flat out started to faint on the doctors and nurses.  Then I spent hours crying and laying next to him in the hospital bed.  I just wanted to trade places with him so badly.   

[jwahlquist]

I am completely an iceberg.......

[KayC]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

I am completely an iceberg.......

Thank you, I'm saving that one!

[Art Thebes]

On 8/9/2020 at 10:11 PM, Darlene13 said:

Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  I think you're right, probably no amount of time would have been sufficient to process the loss and be at peace with it.  I am so very sorry for the magnitude of your losses.  I truly hope little by little you are able to find some happiness again.  I'll be praying for you, friend.  

Thank you so much.

while I sit here, knowing that I should be working... and for once, knowing why I should be working, because for once, I have something, someplace, and someone to work for...

to work towards...

You payed it forward, in more ways than you could possibly know.

[Gail 8588]

6 hours ago, Art Thebes said:

because for once, I have something, someplace, and someone to work for...

to work towards...

Art,

I am so very happy for you to have found - someone to work towards.  It makes all the difference.  

 

[Art Thebes]

7 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

Art,

I am so very happy for you to have found - someone to work towards.  It makes all the difference.  

Thank you, dear Gail.

It feels so nice to have someone to care about. To hold. To talk to. To share with. To be broken with...

Most importantly, I love her, and she loves me. 

who would've thought? not me... I was completely oblivious, and self obsessed with my own pit of despair... 

And then, she did the most MAGICAL thing:

She playfully smacked the back of my head, held my cheek in her hand, my soul in her eyes, and my heart beats happily, in time with hers.

[Gail 8588]

Blessings on you both. Love is such a good thing!

[KayC]

I am glad for you.  I don't expect to ever have that again, but one never knows what the future holds.

[Art Thebes]

14 hours ago, KayC said:

I am glad for you.  I don't expect to ever have that again, but one never knows what the future holds

Dang straight, Kay! 

btw, way to go on the culinary adventures!

YOU rock!