Looking for the right group?

[Regina Ann]

I’m recently widowed.  I was caregiving for my husband nearly 10 years.  He died in April so, after 30 years married, I could not be with him in the last weeks of his life.  
is there a group here for recently widowed/widowed during Covid? It's so hard to be left alone

[Guest Sue4]

Hi Regina Ann,

 there is a separate forum on this website about Covid but, many of us on this forum you posted have lost our spouses during Covid (within the last 4-5 months). Hopefully, you can find some comfort and support from those of us who are on the same painful journey as yourself. Just go through the topics...

[KayC]

@Regina Ann  I am so sorry for your loss.  Although many of us lost our spouse prior to COVID, I have been so heartsick over the added layer this has meant to so many who have suffered loss in recent months.  You might try having a thread here, AND visiting the COVID section.

When my husband died, it was sudden and unexpected, he was still fairly young and we did not know until that weekend he had heart trouble, he'd just had his 51st birthday.  The shock was tremendous, my life never the same again.  I didn't know where to start, how to live without him, how to do this.  It was a place such as this that saved me, literally, as it helped to find others going through the same thing that "got it."  It helps to express ourselves.  That was 15 years ago, grief is an ongoing process.  Each and every day of my life he is in my heart and on my mind.

I wrote an article at about ten years out of the things I'd found helpful along the way, I want to share them with you.  I STILL do "one day at a time" as it's helped me tremendously.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Regina Ann]

Thank you 

[Lars M]

Hi Regina :

I to was married for 30 years and my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in April in the middle of Covid I remember them telling her she had 3 to 6 months to live and I could not even be in the hospital with her to comfort her we did her treatments during Covid and all the extra hoops we had to jump thru we awful. She was admitted to hospice in June and they let us in to sit with her than. She passed in July so there diagnoses was close she made it 4 months. I still can't believe she went from health to gone in 4 months. I hope you find comfort here I have.   

[Regina Ann]

Thank you, Lars M,

 I'm so sorry for the pain of your loss. It’s comforting to hear that you were allowed to be with her. 
We didn’t have children.  Family isn’t nearby and Covid has turned people inward.  I’m alone, I stay home (going out is too anxious—I fear collapsing into tears in public).  I was hoping to find a zoom group.  Zoom isn’t perfect but it’s the closest thing to contact we have.  

[jwahlquist]

On 8/8/2020 at 9:48 AM, Regina Ann said:

Thank you, Lars M,

 I'm so sorry for the pain of your loss. It’s comforting to hear that you were allowed to be with her. 
We didn’t have children.  Family isn’t nearby and Covid has turned people inward.  I’m alone, I stay home (going out is too anxious—I fear collapsing into tears in public).  I was hoping to find a zoom group.  Zoom isn’t perfect but it’s the closest thing to contact we have.  

((HUGS)).   I am sorry for your loss.  30 years is a long time when you think of it in the span of days or years.  Yet it  seems like all too short of a time when you think of it in terms of love.  my husband and I would have been married for 23 years in October.  It still hurts each and every day but I try just the same.  
 

Please if you ever want to chat send me a message.   This is so hard and life altering and it is hard not to have friends and family to turn to.   and as for collapsing into tears in public.......

I will tell you what my doctor told me, “Who cares, let them look.   You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you have nothing to be ashamed of”.  
 

 

[foreverhis]

9 hours ago, jwahlquist said:

 30 years is a long time when you think of it in the span of days or years.  Yet it  seems like all too short of a time when you think of it in terms of love.

That is spot on.  I get, "Oh you were so lucky to be married for 35 years."  Well, yes, I was and we were.  I've also heard things like, "I only had 24 years with my husband, so be grateful you had more."  That one was from a hospital employee while my husband was in the hospital.  And yes, of course I am grateful for those years.

But the truth is that it doesn't matter!  I used to tease him that, "I expect at least 50 years out of you, mister!" and he'd say, "That's the plan."  I even said that to his oncologist, when it looked like my love was going to beat the bastard cancer (again; he'd totally beaten prostate cancer 15 years earlier and it never came back).  I had to keep thinking that, at least then.  Toward the end I would have settled for any amount of time more, if he was well again.

Love simply cannot be measured in years.  When we are with our soulmates, no number of years will ever be long enough.

I am still too aware of falling apart in front of people.  I'll try to remember what your doctor said, which is pretty much what mine said too.  But I've always had a hard time crying in front of anyone, even my husband, and so much of my inner self thinks I must "put on the brave face."  I know in my heart that is stupid, but I'm still struggling with it.  Thanks for the reminder.

((HUGS)) to you and everyone.

[jwahlquist]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

But I've always had a hard time crying in front of anyone, even my husband, and so much of my inner self thinks I must "put on the brave face."  I know in my heart that is stupid, but I'm still struggling with it.  Thanks for the reminder.

((HUGS)) to you and everyone.

Me, too!  I have been trying to just not bottle everything up because that just causes me to feel worse.  
 

((HUGS))

[Regina Ann]

I’m told I’m strong and resilient.  What I am is still breathing.  I don’t feel strong or resilient.  Now, there’s a new attack coming at me.  Ian's final downturn came on March 1.  The hospital knew coronavirus was on its way and was focused on clearing beds.  We were told so.  He was sent to a snf.  When the lockdown came that 'skilled' staff were unprepared and didn’t know how to adapt.  Mistakes were made.  I forgive them.  BUT, one of those mistakes was in accounting.  In the last two days bills have started arriving.  Their mistake.  They’re not saying, "my bad, I’ll fix it". No, I have to try to reach Medicare and supplemental insurer.  That’s not simple or easy or comforting.  
At $40,000 this looks like just the beginning. 
Will I ever be allowed to heal?

[Gail 8588]

Regina Ann,

Paying all the bills was a nightmare for me too.  My love moved through 4 different facilities in his final 25 days. While most of the bills were covered by insurance, several providers were not in-network.  About $50,000 in charges ended up being my responsibility, outside of my deductibles and co-pays. 

I would call to try to understand what all these charges were and I would  frequently just be sobbing on the phone with the billing staff. It was just so difficult to discuss all these procedures that had all failed to save him. 

It was more than 9 months before I had all the final numbers of what I owed.

Everything is so hard that first year.

Sending you strength and hugs. 

Gail

[KayC]

19 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Love simply cannot be measured in years.

We knew each other only 6 1/2 years, married 3 years 8 months...I have the opposite problem with people discounting my loss, how I feel, by saying they have been married 50 years or all their lives!  The truth is, it isn't the time allotted, it's how that time is...we had the best in each other and we knew it.  We appreciated each other every day, inhaled each other, couldn't get enough of each other, our time was quality, and to say I miss him and feel the pain of his loss is to not give justice to words...it is the same as most of us here feel.  Comparisons invalidate another's grief which is never appropriate.  Each of us had unique relationships, and we keenly feel this journey.  There are some who felt their relationship was perfect, others who did not, but with all of us, we feel our grief.

9 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

About $50,000 in charges ended up being my responsibility

I had to remortgage my home to pay the medical bills, the hospital wouldn't work with me, wanted to charge 29% interest!  Check the laws in your state.  A few years later I found out I would not have had to pay them, but at the time I was in a fog, broke, was being pushed...

[jwahlquist]

@KayC    @Regina Ann   @Gail 8588

I am still trying to figure out why medical bills are so outrageous.   I just don’t get it.    I am going to be forever grateful that I insisted Ryan be put on my health insurance.   The hospital bill for his ER & ICU stay was nearly $250,000.  Thankfully my portion to pay after my insurance paid was around $2,000-2,500.   It would have been a totally different story if he had insisted on keeping health insurance through his work.  His insurance was awful.  
I am so very sorry that you all had to or are going through that.   ((HUGS))

[KayC]

I am glad you had him switch then!  I didn't see how George's could be so high AFTER the ins. paid, he was only in there three days!  But they did a lot of testing, a lot of specialists involved.  I swear every doctor in the Eugene/Springfield area must have popped their head in the door and billed for it!  I remortgaged my home I'd previously had paid off, later had to do it again to incorporate a new car so I could commute a long ways to work and what I got stuck with from the con that took me.  I had this place paid off and now have 12 more years to go, hoping to get it paid within 8 though.  I'm turning 68 in less than two months, shouldn't be having to pay on an old mobile home (43 years old) at this age!  Alas, I'm thankful I have been able to thus far.

[Hishoneybunny]

Hello All, I am brand new to this group, just registered a minute ago. So glad I found a few people who recently lost their spouse. I lost my husband of 43 years from lung cancer on July 2nd 2020.He fought the cancer for two and a half years so we were lucky to have that time together. However,it doesn't make the loss any easier. We went through many ups and downs as a couple over the years. However this down all alone is the worst! I feel so alone, vulnerable and scared! Everything dealing with the death all the paperwork and  bills is overwhelming ! I feel totally frozen but I need to go forward as I just started back to work. Please share your thoughts and experiences so that I don't feel like I'm going crazy! Thank you!

[Regina Ann]

I’m told I’m strong and resilient.  What I am is still breathing.  I don’t feel strong or resilient.  Now, there’s a new attack coming at me.  Ian's final downturn came on March 1.  The hospital knew coronavirus was on its way and was focused on clearing beds.  We were told so.  He was sent to a snf.  When the lockdown came that 'skilled' staff were unprepared and didn’t know how to adapt.  Mistakes were made.  I forgive them.  BUT, one of those mistakes was in accounting.  In the last two days bills have started arriving.  Their mistake.  They’re not saying, "my bad, I’ll fix it". No, I have to try to reach Medicare and supplemental insurer.  That’s not simple or easy or comforting.  
At $40,000 this looks like just the beginning. 
Will I ever be allowed to heal?

[Regina Ann]

Hello His HoneyBunny,

I'm glad you chose this thread and so very sorry for this difficult time.

It's sad that we live in a society that doesn’t allow us time to grieve, recover and contemplate our future. 
I was by my sister's side for the two years my brother-in-law was dying of cancer and the years that followed. It took a long time for her to recover.  She’s not here for me now but I can draw from her experience.

Do you still feel like he's just out, he'll be home again like always?  I think I’m transitioning to acceptance and that’s a whole new kind of agony. The realness and forevermore of it is unbearable. I keep telling myself, "others have survived this and I will too". 
 

Are you getting help from friends &/or family?  Is there anything you want to ask us?

 

[Hishoneybunny]

Thank you for reaching out. I have two adult children ( 2 hrs away)  who have been supportive but they are grieving too while raising their young families. My husband was retired for some time and we were looking forward to my retirement next year so we could move closer to the grand-kids and live a few dreams. I am so sad that is all lost. Most of our friends have retired and moved and of course we have drifted apart from some as his illness kept us home bound. Our retirement dreams are something I face all alone along with bills as I am still employed and have to wait for Social Security Survivor benefits based on some crazy formula. Its all so daunting and overwhelming! I miss his help in all this and I find myself asking him out loud what to do!! I am trying to focus on just taking it day to day and stay strong as I promised him. BUT honestly as I just want to crawl into a ball and  have someone just "fix" it all for me! Just knowing I am not alone will help though so I appreciate all advice and stories! Covid is preventing any face to face support groups so this is it!!  

 

 

 

[KayC]

@Hishoneybunny  I am so sorry you are also facing this loss.  I welcome you here, there are many new grievers here.  I wish our society had some advocate who handled the paperwork for grievers and helped them through it, you're expected to navigate your way through this just when you feel least able to handle it!  And with no guide or manual.  And returning back to work is a lot in itself!  I had to go in five days after my George died and do the payroll, and went back full time two weeks after he died.  I was lucky to have a boss so caring, he paid my time off, his wife put up flyers about the funeral and brought a casserole, he had someone speak to the employees before I returned about what to expect and how to help me.  But a few months later the business went down (beginning of recession) and I had to look for work out of town on top of grieving.

It really does help to express your grief in a safe place where others "get it" and I'm glad you've found this place.  I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, learning to take a day at a time helped me tremendously, I still try to practice this 15 years later!  The second biggest for me was learning to look for good in the day, no matter how small.  I hope you'll find something useful today and something else on down the road.  Right now it's enough to do what you have to do today without thinking unduly about the future, and remember to breathe.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Maria_PI]

I write this as I just put down the phone with a billing agency who just days ago sent my late husband a bill for some lab “service” that happened in December 2019! This was the third time I called them and the first time the representative just hung up on me, because I was too “upset and talking over her”! Imagine that! At least this third time the rep expressed condolences for my loss! This whole system of medical billing is so messed up it’s unbelievable! I am an accountant plus I have prior experience in customer service, and I lost my cool with these people! Then today I just plainly told the rep that I will not be calling them back and will not be paying this bill, so he better write that down and try to sort it out between themselves, the lab and the insurance. Then I couldn’t stop myself crying and pacing around from grief and frustration, like a tzunami hit me hard! So much incompetence and insensitivity in this field! It should not be the grieving spouse dealing with billing mistakes from months ago. I come from a European country, my dad passed away in January from stomach cancer, after he had had two cardio-vascular surgeries in the last 15 years, the only thing my mom had to take care of in terms of bills after his passing was the funeral and cremation, for which he had already set aside money. A whole other story is the grieving, my mom is also on her own there, thousands of miles away, but luckily she can call me every day, unlimited international calling for seniors at discount rates, and we console each other, she doesn’t have to worry about medications and medical bills, everything is covered. All she has to worry about is how to spend her days without my father with whom she was married for 55 years.... Here I am sobbing away again... So sorry for all you are going through, I wish I could help!


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

@Maria_PI  I went through something similar yesterday, finally reached the orthopedic doctors I've been trying to connect with this last week and the snotty gal on the other end (who let the phone ring 30 times) told me they'd left a message a week ago on my home phone...no they did not...turns out they had a cell number I'd had seven years ago, don't know how/why they used that as I always give out my landline I've had for 43 years.  Scheduling for eval three months out, surgery three months after that, puts me into February, the worst possible time of year for me to have surgery on my right hand!  Living alone has its definite drawbacks.  How different this life would be if my husband were here with me!  But no need for rude impudent medical personnel, they wipe their butts the same way we do!

I am so sorry you are going through this with billing.  I never got any explanation with my husband's bills, no breakdown, nothing, billed me for multiple thousands of dollars so that I had to remortgage my house, as they wanted to charge 27% interest!  I have 12 more years to pay, hoping to get it done in 8 years.  Wow, we have no such senior discount here for international calling!  The states are sadly lacking sometimes.

[Maria_PI]

[mention=416178]Maria_PI[/mention]  I went through something similar yesterday, finally reached the orthopedic doctors I've been trying to connect with this last week and the snotty gal on the other end (who let the phone ring 30 times) told me they'd left a message a week ago on my home phone...no they did not...turns out they had a cell number I'd had seven years ago, don't know how/why they used that as I always give out my landline I've had for 43 years.  Scheduling for eval three months out, surgery three months after that, puts me into February, the worst possible time of year for me to have surgery on my right hand!  Living alone has its definite drawbacks.  How different this life would be if my husband were here with me!  But no need for rude impudent medical personnel, they wipe their butts the same way we do!
I am so sorry you are going through this with billing.  I never got any explanation with my husband's bills, no breakdown, nothing, billed me for multiple thousands of dollars so that I had to remortgage my house, as they wanted to charge 27% interest!  I have 12 more years to pay, hoping to get it done in 8 years.  Wow, we have no such senior discount here for international calling!  The states are sadly lacking sometimes.

KayC I am so sorry you’ve been put in this position, having to remortgage your house to pay medical bills! I think is just wrong, cruel and inhumane. It only adds stress to misery and contributes to further health issues. It pains me that so many people in this country are being taken advantage of in their most vulnerable moments, when they have no choice. I hope things work out with your surgery! Take care of yourself!


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[KayC]

Your posting about someone taking advantage of someone in their most vulnerable state is prompting me to share a PM I sent to someone in the thread about Thoughts on loving again.

Maybe in six months I will get some much needed relief with my hands, although I'm sure the pain will be greater before it's lesser.   Thank you for your well wishes!

[Regina Ann]

It’s helpful reading everyone’s contributions. Thank you.

I've done something today that feels right.  So far, so good.
Last night I decided I need 'time off', that today I would not address any medical/billing issue.  Today is set aside for clearing some clutter. My house is clean but the unending situation has caused me to let stuff pile up. I actually feel a sense of relief.  I've prioritized, stuck to it and cleared some space. 
Tomorrow, I’ll start the search for an advocate or whoever it is represents the people.  —- The fraud/scammers have started calling too. They sound so official, They say they are the billing company for Dr. so & so.  They need social security, Medicare and insurance numbers.  I think not.

In the meantime, if doctors, hospitals, snf, etc. are outsourcing their billing, I'm going to outsource my end of it too. 

[KayC]

@Regina Ann  Good for you!  And I shudder to think of the scammers trying to get information out of widows...they didn't have such going on when I lost George.  I'm glad you're more savvy than that!  Good luck finding someone to handle the medical bills...I don't know how old you are but if old enough, perhaps senior services?  They may have someone that can help you although locally I think our office is closed for the pandemic.  It seems the stupid pandemic has affected many agencies!

[foreverhis]

On 8/16/2020 at 3:20 PM, Regina Ann said:

I’m told I’m strong and resilient.  What I am is still breathing.

That's it in a nutshell, I think.  In fact, I may use that the next time someone asks "How are you?" or admires how "strong" I am.

[Regina Ann]

I accept that it’s hard to understand what a widow/widower is going through.  By being honest In our response to a platitude perhaps they can stop and think.  But, when we say we’re fine, they think we’re fine.  If you’re not feeling strong it’s good to let them know. 

[Pamela H.]

Thank you all for your shares, you have helped me see my path more clearly.  I lost my husband in April also, he was ill for 5 years, we knew each other for 30 years and were married for 17 years.  He was in the hospital a week before he passed, said he had a whole floor to his self due to Covid restrictions, always upbeat and happy as we spoke on the phone.  He did say he was not responding to the antibiotics then he quickly said they are looking for another option.  He came home the next day. He called many friends and family that week, not being with him in the hospital I did not know how fragile he had truly become, but I think he knew that he would not be with us long. As you all know how often we needed to advocate for our loved one, I  feel very emotional that I could not be there.  He stayed with me until the next Sunday when our Grandson came to celebrate his birthday on April 26th.  He passed in the early morning of April 27th of his illness, not Covid.  Still devistated by the loss of my husband, my heart is with you Regina, thank you for the topic of discussion. 

[Regina Ann]

We’re on such a rocky road. I’ve learned to keep my guard up. The way things are here, and now, is not kind. Not kind to widows.  But, we can be kind to each other.

[KayC]

@Pamela H.  I am so sorry that you too are going through this, but want to welcome you here.  It was a forum such as this that saved me when I suddenly lost my husband 15 years ago...I want to be here for others the same as others have been there for me.  Four months is still pretty fresh, it's around six months they say can be our hardest because the shock has worn off and support has dried up and gone back to their lives.  Give or take a month or two.  We want to be here for you as you make your way through this journey.

I wrote this at about ten years out, of the things I've found helpful over the years...remembering my anxiety and panic those early months/day/years...I hope you'll find something helpful in it today, maybe something else will speak to you further down the road as well.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

[Pamela H.]

Thank you KayC, really helpful, when you have knowledge of what to expect its much easier to handle.

[Regina Ann]

Pamela H,  I feel it’s going to be difficult to compartmentalize the grief we’re experiencing. We lost ours husbands at the same time we lost all normalcy. 
when Ian died everyone asked if there will be a memorial. I said yes. I believed Covid would be over quickly.  That word, 'closure' is fading away. 
Have you found a grief counselor?  I’m starting to find the courage to call friends whose spouses died years ago. People who have rebuilt their lives. 
At the two month mark my neighbor asked me if I think I’ll remarry.  I turned 65 two weeks after Ian died.  I told her I thought that remarriage is unlikely.  I want to make peace with a solitary future. I hope we can help each other find our way in this unprecedented crisis.

[Regina Ann]

@KayC, your list is so good.  Do you have suggestions on how to follow this advice during coronavirus conditions? 

[Pamela H.]

Pamela H,  I feel it’s going to be difficult to compartmentalize the grief we’re experiencing. We lost ours husbands at the same time we lost all normalcy. 
when Ian died everyone asked if there will be a memorial. I said yes. I believed Covid would be over quickly.  That word, 'closure' is fading away. 
Have you found a grief counselor?  I’m starting to find the courage to call friends whose spouses died years ago. People who have rebuilt their lives. 
At the two month mark my neighbor asked me if I think I’ll remarry.  I turned 65 two weeks after Ian died.  I told her I thought that remarriage is unlikely.  I want to make peace with a solitary future. I hope we can help each other find our way in this unprecedented crisis.

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[Pamela H.]

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Hi Regina, maybe we can support each other. I have a lot of drama with the loss of my husband. I wish he were here to help me he was always so good with our adult children. I have two adult children and two adult step daughters. My kids are compassionate, and share our loss of him, but they have a lot of drama going on. The other two have been a real challenge as always. At odds with each other and my girl and they do not share the loss of him with us. It’s been hard. Sorting through my own grief has been difficult. They are leaning on me to replace him and I am not him. He was their father and They do not seem to have any compassion for my and my kids loss of him.

I am seeking help through a grief counselor and my first appointment is Tuesday.

We were together for 20 years the last 5 he was chronically ill. I spent much time as a primary supporter of us and as a caregiver. I am 66 and retired last year. I needed to be home full time. I am moving forward with plans to move close to my brother within the year. It’s hard being held down due to the pandemic. I am trying to be patient and hope my plans will turn out. In the meanwhile I am up and down. Started smoking again under the stress. Crying off and on as the memories are triggered.

I have a good support system with several really great family & friends who help me laugh and continue to support me. Who knew and loved my husband dearly. I would be lost without them.




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[KayC]

On 8/29/2020 at 10:25 AM, Regina Ann said:

@KayC, your list is so good.  Do you have suggestions on how to follow this advice during coronavirus conditions? 

I didn't go through my loss during the pandemic, it is especially hard for people right now, trying to do funerals, etc. without in-person support.  As far as counseling goes, some are taking patients by phone.  Some places are using zoom or video chatting.  You might want to call around and see what's available.  There's an end in sight, my guess is we'll have a vaccination by January sometime.  I live in the country and literally ALL of our friends disappeared when George died.  Make phone calls.  Reach out for help.  I remember needing so badly to talk to someone.

Pamela is reaching out to you right now.  Who knows, it may be the start of a lasting friendship!  I've made many friends on my grief sites over the years.

[Regina Ann]

Dear Pamela,

I had to take a few days of quiet (as best I could).

There are no courses in what to prepare for in life. In 8th grade there was a required course on what to expect, and prepare for, as we transition from childhood to physical maturity.  After that we’re on our own.  Thank goodness people have to LEARN how to drive and pass a test before they’re allowed on the streets.

My husband's decline began ten years ago but it’s just in the last three that it picked up speed. 
we didn’t have children —- it just didn’t happen for us. In a perfect world, the adult children step up for their mom.  I heard so many accounts of the opposite happening when I was in a Caregiver Support Group. 
 

I live in the greater Los Angeles area. Where are you? 
 

You’re fortunate to have good people around you. I don’t and I don’t know why my siblings have disappeared.  I’m the eldest.  I've always been the giver.  Maybe they just don’t know how to reverse roles temporarily.

Funny you should mention smoking.  I've considered that myself.  Tobacco always smells better than it tastes though. As long as you don’t become addicted it sounds like a soothing activity.  
I hope you can find away to enjoy this holiday weekend.  I’m watching the free Classic Film Festival at Cinecon.org.  We would have been at the festival if Ian were alive and there was no pandemic.  Participating online gives me a same sense of continuity.  It’s time to tune it in.

More later.