It has been 20 days

[Perro J]

I simply miss her.

Like many of you feel about your partner, I want her back. She is not replaceable. I want to rewind the clock far enough back to fix everything. To prevent the cancer. To make it so she could still be here. Even if that meant I had to be the one to leave.

I am angry at God. Not just upset, but "F*** you and what was the point of all that to have us find love and contentment with one another only to take it away too soon and take away a wonderful human being from this planet when it seems to be chock full of plenty of other candidates that the world would be a better place without!" angry at God. She wouldn't approve of me saying that.

I read some of the other posts here and I know I am not the only one going through this - and that somehow helps a little.

The priest from her church here in the USA has offered to meet me for coffee - to share his own personal experience with loss and how he found spiritual meaning in grieving. I hope he will have something I can grasp on to.

I don't even like to look at my phone anymore because I still want to see a message from her. I used to get them every day.

I met her on a dating website. I stupidly signed up for it again - as if I am in any condition to meet someone new. All I do is click "Skip" as I realize I am not looking for someone new. I am looking for her - as if she just needs to be found again. That was irrational but I forgive myself for doing that. I was not thinking clearly.

I just want her back - and the cold, hard reality is that is not going to happen. I don't understand the will of God, that this was allowed to happen. I cannot accept this - even if it is the key to serenity. God should have stopped this. God permitted something wrong to happen. I don't want to accept this. I don't want to forgive this. I want her back. She is not replaceable.

I love her.

[Beverly Graham]

I'm so sorry for your loss. While reading how much you miss her, I could feel the pain coming from your words.
It's just been 12 days since I lost my soulmate, and it honestly hasn't gotten better. One thing that makes it extra hard for me is the fact that me and my fiance never had the chance to meet each other in person, but for the 2 years that we've been together, we never missed a single day of texting and/or calling each other, and we both said that we'd meet each other next year for sure, and then suddenly all our plans and dreams got pulled out from underneath.

I miss his texts and calls so much that it hurts; I get panic attacks and can hardly breathe because I just want him back.
I still don't understand why this happened and just like you, I can't accept it. I also wish that I could go back in time to prevent his passing away. I just want the love of my life back.

I pray that the priest will be able to give you comfort and hope, because we're drowning and grasping at straws here and we need every little thing to help make our grieving process even a little bit easier.

 

[Perro J]

Bev,

Thank you for your sentiments. I've read your story too and it sounds like your loss happened much more suddenly than mine. With mine, we visited the emergency room in December thinking it was a mere gastrointestinal problem. It wasn't until March that we discovered it was cancer. This gave me some warning, and also some time to prepare myself - but I wasn't planning on being there when she passed away - I had planned to return to the USA before that. I was not looking forward to that goodbye and part of me thinks maybe she was doing me a favor by letting go before I left. She was from Ecuador. She had been with me in the USA for more than two years. She was very homesick, and as it got to be the end of June, when she checked into the hospital for the final time here in the USA, she sent her sister out to tell me that she wanted to go home. I am grateful that I got to make that happen for her and I am grateful she was able to see her parents and brothers and sisters, some of whom she had not seen for over four years, again. I mention all that because even before the cancer, we had talked about being married, but letting her go home afterwards, because her parents are in their eighties and she wanted to be sure to spend time with them. We shared the idea that love transcends the physical presence, and we are both independent enough that we were OK having a spouse in a separate hemisphere, even if that was going to be for a few years. I noted that sailors in the olden days used to be gone for months at a time but would return home to their loved one. Now granted, not everyone of those types of stories worked out - but I had every confidence in her - and I would have been able to travel to see her enough that we'd have been content like that for a while. Eventually, we could have retired in Ecuador together. I've been there now and I think it would have been an excellent plan. So why do I share all this? Simply to reinforce the acknowledgement that even if you two were not able to be together in person, you were in spirit - and that is the connection that counts. As we referred to one another: "Mi amor de alma" or my soulmate.

As I look at your photo, I see a resemblance, even if not the spitting image, between you and yours and us. Our pic attached if you are curious. It gives me a strange sense of "here is the other side of the equation in the universe" and as I read about your sadness - it makes me want to walk back the idea that it would be better if I were the one that left. That isn't the right answer. Nobody should have left.

The priest is on a retreat this week, so I won't see him until next week at the earliest - but if he has anything that might help here - I will share it.

I hope your burden is lightened soon. My condolences to both of you.

 

 

 

[Rhonda R]

Grief is so incredibly hard.  Even 2+ years later, I can be sucked back into the abyss from time to time.  I wish I knew how to make this easier, but I don't.  The healing for most is so gradual, that you don't even really realize it is happening.  What until you feel the sting of, "You are doing so good."  It's like a punch in the gut.  It took me a full two years to even begin to feel normal or even just a little bit like myself.  You have been through a life shattering event and it needs to be treated as such.  Overwhelmed and sad doesn't even begin to describe it.  I remember searching for something in my life that wasn't broken by the death of my husband and I couldn't find anything.  Where to begin?  I had no idea and so I didn't.  I had no energy to do anything and I thought that I would always feel this gut wrenching raw pain.  I couldn't see my life getting any better or putting any of the pieces back together.  But somehow I have.  I'm not going to tell you that I don't still have bad weeks, days or moments.  I do and I guess I have accepted the fact that I always will.  I have those because I had the love of my life.  My person and my best friend.  I have those because we loved each other and spent as much time together as we could.  I have those because I had something so precious, that many people only dream about.  As many on here have said, I would do it all over again. 

It's very normal to try to rewrite your story and to try to change the ending.  It's the thing we want most in the world.  There are things I would do differently but most of it, I wouldn't change at all.  The greatest love story to any of us is our own.  The good news is, it's yours forever. 

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Perro J said:

She is not replaceable.

Of course she's not.  I agree with the previous responses here, how you are feeling is common in early grief.  I think men and women often grieve differently as stated here:

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/943-different-ways-of-grieving/?tab=comments#comment-3749
She is beautiful.  We always love and miss them, it's a hard road to adjust to.  We're here, listening.  

[Perro J]

5 hours ago, Rhonda R said:

  I had no energy to do anything

Nor do I. The wind is out of my sails.

A thought that has crossed my mind is that it isn't just about what I lost in terms of her and the experiences we shared. It is also about the loss of the potential, the things I imagined could be, if only we could have more time together. I think that is a critical component to happiness. We need to believe that things we imagine are possible in order to have things to strive for. Without that we are adrift. Not only did I lose her but I also lost a future I imagined together with her. Without her, those dreams are now impossible.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, Perro J said:

It is also about the loss of the potential, the things I imagined could be, if only we could have more time together.

Absolutely, we grieve them AND our dreams, the future that didn't get to play out.  And that is also very big.

[Beverly Graham]

@Perro J

Thank you so much for sharing your story; I've tried more than once to write a response for the past few days but each time I tried, I broke down and had to stop. Yes, the waves of grief have been crashing down on me really bad...in fact I'm starting to cry again this very moment. I really don't know how much more of this pain I can take...it's all-consuming, just pining away for him every single day.
Reading your story, my heart just broke for you...but I was amazed at some similarities we have; the one you mentioned about the resemblance of our photos is so true...2 couples from entirely different backgrounds. He being as Scottish as can be, and me of Filipino, Spanish and Irish ethnicity; both us women being the dark haired exotic ones.
Me and my fiance also believed that love transcends the physical presence, and we were going to do the exact same thing that you and yours were going to do...
We planned to meet, get married and then live separately for a few years until we got things sorted out...he would remain in Scotland and me here in California, and just like you said, we would also travel to see each other in between until eventually he would come to live here with me and my 2 sons.
Both of us have never loved anyone else as much as we loved each other...we were soulmates and best friends, and as long as we had each other we knew that the wait would be worth it.
You said that even if we were not able to be together in person, we were together in spirit...and yes, you were so right about that; those words gave me so much comfort.
We ARE soulmates forever.
And like you said..."It is also about the loss of the potential, the things I imagined could be, if only we could have more time together."
KayC said "We grieve them AND our dreams."
All those words are so true...every single day I grieve for the love of my life and our lost dreams. The pain is indescribable...all my life I wasn't aware that this kind of pain even existed.

I hope and pray that you will find comfort and strength through the beautiful memories of your soulmate.
I pray this for everyone who comes to this site to grieve.

 

[Perro J]

It is getting close to a month now.

It feels like a shipwreck. The boat has broken apart and sunk. The voyage I had planned cannot be completed. There is flotsam in the water, perhaps things that were ours, that I can cling to. I have been cast unwillingly into a sea of despair. Maybe I can see the shore but the survivalist advice is to not try to swim for it. It is too far to swim. I won't make it if I think I can simply exert myself. That won't be enough. I need to hang on to the things that support me - keep my head above water. I have to keep my mind clear. I can cling to what floats, kick a little bit, but remember to rest as well. I must not surrender to hopelessness. I must maintain the attitude that I am going to eventually make it to shore. It won't happen nearly as soon as I want it to. I will be out here for a long time. I will be uncomfortable. The current may not take me on the most direct route to safety. I have to believe I will make it to shore. I won't be where I planned to be nor where I want to be. None of this was my choice. My choice now is to simply keep my head above water and choose to have faith that I will one day make it to shore. She would not want me to give up. She would want me to live.

[Perro J]

Right now.....makes it one month. They are having a virtual mass this evening by radio in her hometown and tomorrow in the town of her birth.

And all I can do right now is miss her. I hate this. Why?

[@LeeNic]

Today is 19 days for me. Weekends are the worst. I am surrounded by a constant reminder that I don’t have my love, my friend to be with me. We spent all our time together. We would go to the store together, everything. We just truly loved spending time together. I completely understand how this feel like a shipwreck. I feel like someone dropped me in an alternate universe and I want to get back. I lost it again today. Again, crying on the floor next to his shoes, begging him to come back. I just lay here on the couch thinking about how we would be finished with dinner, pouring another glass of wine, and picking out a show to watch. We did that almost every night since Covid. Covid makes this all worse. 
 

My son and I went to eat outside with the family my husband and I just loved. It was odd and weird. There was a huge missing part.... my husband. He was such the life of our family. So funny, big laugh, ..... and he’s gone... 

[Perro J]

May you be given solace soon @LeeNic. My condolences to you.

[@LeeNic]

@Perro J thank you. And I wish the same for

you. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is helpful to hear I’m not crazy for feeling the way I do. 

[Rhonda R]

You are both in the very raw stages of grief right now. There is never a right or a wrong with grief, it just is. We all have the feeling we are going crazy sometimes. Your life has been shattered. Most people understand physical pain and can see how much pain someone is in and can see how long that takes to heal.  Many times the permanent damage is also visible. There is the same with emotional pain but if you are not on the floor sobbing, everything must be fine. No, it’s not. It is real pain. It is often physical. It’s overwhelming and life altering. Healing a gaping hole this huge takes time. You will make it to brighter days. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. I don’t even know how I made it this long, but I did. One day, one moment at a time. Peace and hugs,

Rhonda

[HisPumpkin]

I know this topic is a few years old. But I wonder - if you’re still around, how did you get through? Being in a long distance relationship, though lucky enough to have had a brief but beautiful month together, the constant daily contact we relied on gave me an emotional, mental and spiritual depth of connection I haven’t ever felt before. Day 22, and the silence is crushing, the absence all consuming. Like you, plans were made for the future that are now all lost. Sudden, in an instant, life as I knew it collapsed. 

I wonder - where are you now? Did you find a way to live through it, live with it? Did you find a way to smile again? I hope you did. I hope I can. 

[Perro J]

On 4/22/2022 at 9:17 AM, HisPumpkin said:

I wonder - where are you now? Did you find a way to live through it, live with it? Did you find a way to smile again? I hope you did. I hope I can. 

It is approaching two years now. The first year was spent much in isolation due to covid. I don't think that did me much good. As others have mentioned - it evolves. I am able to smile at a joke or piece of wit or even laugh at times now. That was not possible for many months. It comes in time, little by little. I still am in touch with her family and they are quick to express their love and support for me. I even took her sister to a doctor appointment last week.

There are still moments of intense sadness but it is not the crushing, uncontrollable monster it first was. Lately I have had some sad days.

I have been going to the gym three times a week for the last 10 months. That is something positive I am doing for myself. It is a place I can put my anger to use in a constructive way.

Recently some friends have been pushing me to "get out there" and "enjoy life". That type of help is still unwelcome. The word enduring is still the operative word for me. I had hoped there would be someone that could tell me what to do to make myself not hurt so much. The thing is - the pain does lessen - the intensity of the grief recedes somewhat. I find there isn't much I can actually do but endure it.

I still struggle with God.

Please accept my sincere condolences towards your loss. I hope you find solace and peace.

 

[HisPumpkin]

@Perro J Thank you so much for returning to respond. It means a lot. I am afraid - so afraid - that this emptiness in me will never be filled. There’s a void, and life has become about existing but I feel like I died with him. I know this is a very long journey we find ourselves on, perhaps life long. 
 

The word you use, endure, resonates. The grief does not come in waves at the moment, it’s all consuming and I drown in it. I try to find purpose, little lifelines to help me tread the water. I try to think of what he would want for me, but with that I remember what we wanted together that we will never had, and I’m drowning all over again.

I am glad to hear that you can find some little moments of joy. I hope that you continue to find them as your journey through loss continues. 

I wish so much that none of us had to experience this. But I know that I am forever changed on a cellular level. Across the distance, sending you my deepest thanks for taking the time to reply.