Things people say

[BBB]

"Is there anything I can do for you", "they're happy, just you're sad", "just give it some time", "they're in a better place", "you'll meet again some day", "be thankful for the 27 years you had together"...these are the things that people say because they have no more answers than we do. I just hate when they say it. I acknowledge that their intentions mean well but I get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. In addition, is there anything I can do for you, is like the dumbest question someone can ask me. Doing a chore, a task, cooking a meal, cleaning the house is so unimportant after your spouse dies. I always feel like saying YES there is something you can do, if you have God like powers, please bring my wife back. Maybe I'm just getting to the angry stage in the 7 stages of grief.

[Yoli]

Agree totally. Heard all of those as well as "chin up". The things that seemed important before are now insignificant - housework, cooking, grocery shopping. The amount of time we spent arguing about these little things now fills me with regret.

I have no idea what stage I am at. I still feel it is a combination of all the stages.

[KayC]

You are so right.  Most of what people say to us does not have the intended effect.  Quite the opposite.  I often wished they'd just shut up and BE THERE!  Don't SAY "if you need anything just call" when you know good and well you have no intentions of following through!  Or "If you ever want to talk, just call..." and when you do they excuse themselves and never call you back.  You're not alone in your feelings, read here:

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm
http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html
http://onlineministries.creighton.edu/CollaborativeMinistry/Grief/avoid-cliches.html

19 hours ago, Yoli said:

I have no idea what stage I am at. I still feel it is a combination of all the stages.

https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6151-grief-group-meeting-tonight/?tab=comments#comment-48650
https://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/6873-stages-of-grief/?tab=comments#comment-55904

[foreverhis]

My personal most hated is "You're so strong."  My dear sister-in-law said once that she's sure it's meant as a compliment because I have been a strong person for most of my life.  I told her that anyone who knows me even a little, anyone who has ever seen my husband and me together, would know that one thing in this world could break me:  Losing him.  I said that I'm sick of knowing that, "You're so strong" often includes and unspoken, "so don't get your grief all over me, it's uncomfortable."  It's the darn "Putting on a brave face" so that others can pretend that our lives haven't been shattered to the point where we will never be "normal" the same way and we will never be the same.  More than once, I've thought to myself, "When you've lost your soulmate, then you can come and tell me how strong and brave I should be.  Until then, SHUT UP."

My second most hated is "How are you?" as the nearly constant social nicety from both friends and strangers, most of whom are saying it only as meaningless verbal handshake.  Again, I mentioned to my SIL that it bothers me.  She said that the people close to us really do want to know.  I replied that I knew that, but it's such an emotionally charged trigger for me that I'd appreciate the people in my life coming up with a different way of saying it.  I have come up with a few responses to strangers, like "Well, I'm alive so I guess that's something."  I just wish people would stop using it unless they really want to know.

My third most hated align with Nora McInerny's TED Talk about moving forward.  That is, of course, "moving on" (and its cousin "get over it").  I am so lucky that only a couple of acquaintances (who are not in my life now) have said that sort of thing.  Those two also relate to one of the behaviors that I find insulting, demeaning, and why I had to "kick" a couple of casual friends out of my life:  Pretending my love never existed at all.

What bothers me about myself is that I am certain that at some point in my younger years I must have said something wrong/hurtful to someone grieving without even realizing it.  Our society is poorly educated in loss and grief.  We prefer to pretend that youth is eternal and loss doesn't really exist.  We've all learned the truth in the worst possible way.

[Brandon Gibson]

I think Susan Delany put it best when she explained the process of Grief - My Wife has been gone for almost 5 Months Now - I must admit that I feel worse now than I did 3 Months ago - there are Days when you just feel like Dying - It's a sickening Heartache that never ever goes away. I would urge you to watch "Grief, It's Complicated" on Youtube. We are all Lone Warriors fighting the Battle of our Lives and Crying out in the Wilderness for Answers - and those Answers never ever seem to come. My Sincerest Condolences for your Loss.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Brandon Gibson said:

I must admit that I feel worse now than I did 3 Months ago

That is normal/common in grief as reality sets in, "support" seems to dry up, others go back to their lives while yours has changed completely, never to be the same again.  It usually occurs around six months, although it varies with individuals, our time lines often very unique.