Lost my husband suddenly a week ago

[@LeeNic]

I can’t believe it’s been a week. My husband died suddenly at the pool, his favorite place, of cardiac arrest. I wasn’t with him. He went during lunch to swim laps. It has been a huge blur. I often lay on our bathroom floor where he left his short and shoes before going to the pool. I cry, but I don’t think crying is even the right word. I have never had anyone love me this way. We were everything to each other. We were just making plans for a short trip to get out of the house since COVID. 
 

This was my second marriage and we just celebrated our 4th anniversary 6 days before his death. I only had 7 years with him. I am devastated, lost, angry, numb.... I see him everywhere. I feel like not only did I loose my partner, soul mate, lover... but I lost my whole life. Everything I did involved him. All our friends are couples. We even finally found this wonderful couple that we both loved the husband and wife. We all talked about moving somewhere together when our kids graduated HS. 
 

His kids are devastated and my son is crushed. I wake up some days thinking today will be better and it’s not. His family all lives out of town and will be gone tomorrow. I’m so worried what the house will be like with just me and my son. I watch his oldest son and I have to leave the room because he is so much like his dad.
 

I find myself crying and bargaining out loud to just get him back. I feel guilty because he went to the doc, she brushed him off, and I didn’t push him to do more. I’ve lost 10 pounds already. I can’t eat. I try. I’m just numb...... and want him back

[Gail 8588]

LeeNic,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  It is so very difficult at the beginning of this heartbreaking journey. You are engulfed in this chaos of the universe without your loved one.  It's like the whole structure of the universe is torn and in tatters.  How other people are walking around doing normal things is beyond comprehension. Can't they see the world is shattered into a million pieces? 

They don't see it. 

I think you have to experience it to understand.  Sadly, all of us on this site get it, because we are living it too. 

Right now all you should try to do is get through each day.  Give what comfort you can to your  son, as he is lost in grief too. 

Try to eat, try to get some sleep, you need to take care of yourself.  If people offer help, say yes.  It can take quite a long time to find your way to a new way of living, without him.

I am so sorry that you have suffered this great loss.  I hope you will take some comfort coming here to talk to folks who are on this same journey.  Feel free to vent, rant, question or just read without comment.  We have all felt the rage, guilt, confusion, dispair and a million other emotions. You are not alone. 

Peace, 

Gail

[@LeeNic]

Thank you so much! I am so glad I found this site! 

[KayC]

Oh wow, everything you wrote is uncannily similar to my story.  Timeline of marriage, everything. I am so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing I've ever been through.

My husband also died of a sudden heart attack.  He'd also complained to the doctor and not been taken seriously.  I made an appt. with said doctor after his death and talked to him for a half hour about it and extracted a promise that he would never make that mistake again!  Someone else had the exact same thing happen just a few weeks before George died.  He looked the picture of health, big chest, broad shoulders, strong arms, 32" waist, built like a wrestler.  He had a long commute and worked long hard taxing hours.  I don't know how he did it...he had five blocked arteries they said.  He'd suffered a previous heart attack six months before that damaged his heart, doctor assumed he passed out while driving, from Diabetes, but it didn't make sense to us, he didn't feel any hypoglycemic symptoms, no warning, nothing.  I too berated myself for not pushing harder for him to go to a different doctor.  I did talk to him about it but as he was a grown man I figured he could decide these things for himself.  He always appreciated that I never tried to control him, I guess this is the one instance it came back to bite me.  Forgive yourself, you were being a caring respectful wife.  Who could have known!

I want to share this article I wrote with you, you may have seen it in the other thread but I wanted it to be in yours also for you to be able to refer to on down the road.  Feel free to save, print.  Not everything will apply and some may seem preposterous right now (like volunteering) but understand that this is a journey that evolves uniquely for each of us, we don't feel the same immense pain in ten years as we did on day one, thankfully, we couldn't handle it if we did!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[surfer]

@LeeNic,

I'm so sorry for your loss!!! I feel your pain and I feel the same. My husband died unexpectedly too. He just got his complete check up which included MRI, US, all possible blood tests and  etc. He was super healthy. He had asymptomatic brain aneurysm which killed him in a second.  It has been 8 months for me. It is still very, very hard. First two months I was in agonizing pain. I was taking medication and still can't live without. But the pain is not the same as it was during the first weeks or first months.. It became more dull but it is not going away.

I'm Christian. Praying helps a lot. I do not know if I can post a link to the video but watching NDE videos helped me tremendously:

1. Famous Cardiac Surgeon's Stories of NDE in Surgery.

The Doctor in the video, Lloyd Rudy was one of the most accomplished physicians in the world,  a pioneer in quantifying surgical procedures that led to drastically increasing the survival rate of heart patients and was the surgeon who had the nerve and skill to pull out a clot during an active heart attack to prove, for the first time, that it is a thrombus that blocks the flow of blood and not the buildup of cholesterol plaque in the artery.  He forever changed the course of medicine.  The other surgeon  Dr Rudy mentions is Dr Roberto Cattaneo, who is also of the highest calibre (still practicing).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL1oDuvQR08

2. Dr. Mary Neal. Spinal Surgeon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DX473dF7ChY

3. Another cardio surgeon on NDE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICdizzVY5h4

[@LeeNic]

Thank you. The sad thing is my husband told the doctor about dizziness, nausea, extreme fatigue especially during exercise, and he had brachycardia (really low heart beat), a mother who had double bypass surgery, grandmother who died of it, and the doctor said he likely had an inner ear issue and sent him to PT. I do t have words to express my anger towards her. 
 

I cannot stand the gut wrenching, sadness and hole in my chest. I cry and scream that I want him back, I want him back, as if that will make him come back. I feel like this is going to kill me. 

[Missy1]

My heart goes out to you, so sorry you are going this traumatic event. You are among those like myself who understand such a  complicated and devastating loss. My husband of was 58, married for 26 yrs when he died. After 6 months I still get panic attacks and feel so utterly alone in this world. Our hopes and dreams are gone, our entire world as been crushed. 
So many lives touched by their death, each suffering in their own way, unable to fully comprehend what happened.

This is a good place to express yourself and vent without judgement. We all try to share and help each other, you are not alone, threre are so many of us. I thought at first that no one could possibly be in as much pain as I was in or feel so hopeless. I found there are so many of us going through this.

We must find a way to continue on somehow, carrying this grief with us, slowly making our way in the dark. It helps to take each day one at a time, it’s very overwhelming. Welcome and I am sorry you are here, I hope you find some comfort here, we do understand.

[KayC]

I wish I'd known about that before I scattered my husband's ashes, it would have meant a lot to me to have part of him with me all of the time. 

[Janice 252]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I wish I'd known about that before I scattered my husband's ashes, it would have meant a lot to me to have part of him with me all of the time. 

Kay. How are you ? Sorry I haven't been posting. My health has not been good but I'm still here. Hope all well with you and the family 

Janice xx

[KayC]

OMG, it's been forever since I've heard from you!  I sent you an email...

[foreverhis]

Although it's not for me, I think that it can be a lovely memory.  Our memorial/funeral home showed me some various options incorporating ashes and/or hair to make gems, also things like a fingerprint pendant, hair woven into jewelry (that's been done for centuries), and small glass sculptures with swirls of ashes.

But I have to ask:  It this a company you own or work for?  Both of your posts include a link to this company, but nothing about who you are or if you have a loss yourself. 

You owe it to us to be upfront about things. If your goal is to promote a business, rather than share your experiences, that is a far different reason for being here than the rest of us.  We are trying to navigate grieving the worst loss possible.

IMO, it's generic and unhelpful to tell a wife and mother that losing a partner "can be a disaster."  She and we already know that.  If you have something truly comforting or personally helpful, great.  If you are here to basically solicit sales, please stop.

 

[KayC]

I had wondered the same thing, will let the moderators decide...he's made two posts and both included this advertising.  

[jwahlquist]

On 8/3/2020 at 2:57 AM, @LeeNic said:

 

I find myself crying and bargaining out loud to just get him back. I feel guilty because he went to the doc, she brushed him off, and I didn’t push him to do more. I’ve lost 10 pounds already. I can’t eat. I try. I’m just numb...... and want him back

((HUGS))

My husband went to the urgent care and they brushed him off to basically.  The next day when he returned they sent him to the ER and he later coded.  It is so very frustrating.  I spent days in the ICU bargaining silently all for naught.   I lost around 25 pounds as eating for the first month or two held no appeal.   I finally took a therapist’s advice and bought some cheese sticks and set a reminder so that I could force myself to eat.   Now I still have days where I go all day without eating even after 6 months.

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I had wondered the same thing, will let the moderators decide...he's made two posts and both included this advertising.  

Thanks, Kay.  And my thanks to the moderators as well.

[@LeeNic]

Oh, this is just unbearable. Last night I lost it and cried for hours. It was the first night I was all by myself in the house. I’m starting to get mad at him. I know it’s not logical but we all do it. Today I feel physically ill from the crying and screaming. I actually put his urn in our bed last night. My son came to me today crying saying it felt like my husband was just on a work trip, but he won’t return. This is so hard and unfair. I just keep thinking.... I want you back, I want you back, please come back

[foreverhis]

29 minutes ago, @LeeNic said:

want you back, I want you back, please come back

I can't begin to tell you how many times I cried out for my husband to "Please come home.  You have to come home now.  I can't do this alone."  It wasn't as if I was in denial or "forgot" that he died.  It was that I simply could not imagine being without him.  I needed him then and I need him now.  The only difference is that an acceptance has settled in my heart.  By that I mean only that I accept that he is gone from this world.  I do not accept that it was right, fair, or just.  I never will.

The first night alone for me was the same day he died.  I have very little memory of it, except going through the house and finding every little thing that had to do with his medical care and cancer and removing it.  I know I took a shower at some point.  The rest?  I cried without stopping until I was so exhausted that I must have fallen asleep.

I am sending you big comforting hugs for today.

[jwahlquist]

58 minutes ago, @LeeNic said:

Oh, this is just unbearable. Last night I lost it and cried for hours. It was the first night I was all by myself in the house. I’m starting to get mad at him. I know it’s not logical but we all do it. Today I feel physically ill from the crying and screaming. I actually put his urn in our bed last night. My son came to me today crying saying it felt like my husband was just on a work trip, but he won’t return. This is so hard and unfair. I just keep thinking.... I want you back, I want you back, please come back

Sending you lots of hugs today.  Just know that I will be thinking of you.   Everything about losing a loved one is unfair.  

[@LeeNic]

@jwahlquist

 

thank you......

[@LeeNic]

@foreverhis thank you. I was supposed to go to a friends house just to get out. I went early and told her I can’t come. It’s a bad day and I just want to go home. She convinced me to stay and for a couple of hours I could laugh. But then I walk back into the house and it all floods back. I don’t know how we all survive this grief. I feel like each day my heart dies a little. I watch videos of him and remember the mark on his arm, how it felt laying next to him in bed, how he kissed me..... 

[KayC]

18 hours ago, @LeeNic said:

This is so hard and unfair. I just keep thinking.... I want you back, I want you back, please come back

(((hugs)))

[Maria_PI]

[mention=412282]foreverhis[/mention] thank you. I was supposed to go to a friends house just to get out. I went early and told her I can’t come. It’s a bad day and I just want to go home. She convinced me to stay and for a couple of hours I could laugh. But then I walk back into the house and it all floods back. I don’t know how we all survive this grief. I feel like each day my heart dies a little. I watch videos of him and remember the mark on his arm, how it felt laying next to him in bed, how he kissed me..... 

I am so sorry for what you are going through! It’s like something tugging you towards the place where you were with him, yet so hard to bear being there without him! Especially with such a sudden loss! I myself had months to prepare for the possibility of him going, yet still feels like he was ripped off me before I knew what was happening. I feel like half of me is gone. Even after over two months since I lost my love, I still have to gather strength and brace myself to watch a video of him, listen to his songs or read his messages to me. And then I cry and cry while watching... I would give anything to feel his warmth next to me, to hold his hand and hear his voice asking me “Did I tell you today that I love you?” I feel like I will never be whole again!
I hope you find solace in the love of your son and closest friends. And we are here to help each other pull through. (((Hugs)))


Sent from my iPad using Grieving.com

[foreverhis]

On 8/9/2020 at 8:00 PM, @LeeNic said:

She convinced me to stay and for a couple of hours I could laugh. But then I walk back into the house and it all floods back. I don’t know how we all survive this grief. I feel like each day my heart dies a little. I watch videos of him and remember the mark on his arm, how it felt laying next to him in bed, how he kissed me....

I can relate to that so much.  I was a virtual hermit for months after my husband died, but our best friends (brother and sister by choice; we consider ourselves true family--she and I look like sisters; he and my husband look like brothers, it's uncanny) came to me several times.  There were times when we could smile and laugh, times we were able to be in the moment.  But because they hadn't been there for those last months, I was the only one who carried the most painful memories and because he was my soulmate, I was the one in the deepest pain.  They know that and didn't try to "make it better," but let me be however I needed to be.  It's been a hard time for them too because we have been family for 30 years. 

When I was alone in the house and yard, everything would just flood me down into the dark pit.  It was and sometimes still is agonizingly painful.  Every time I come home, especially if it's from a place where we normally would have gone together, as I crest over the hill and can see the roof of our house, my heart cries out for him.  The difference now is that the cries are softer and the pain is not so constantly intense.  I walk in the door and say, "I'm home," but now it's a gentler moment, rather than "I hate the universe for taking you away."  And believe me, I was and still am angry at myself, the doctors, and the universe in general, just not as intensely as at first.

The cliches made me want to scream more than once, but they are cliches because they are true:  Take it one day at time ("I can do today") and time is the only thing that helps (2 years in and I know that to be true, no matter how small the changes seem to be).

[GreenAngel]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband died on July 1 suddenly to a heart attack. We had been married for 34 years but our life together was one single bond of love for each other. We spent  most of our time together and we are bonded as one-always and had planned to retire together next year.  I feel your grief your pain and your sadness. For me it has been  45 days without the man that I have loved for over half my life  and I cannot even help myself get through this pain and lose.  I myself is struggling to find someone that I can share you similar situation with to help me through horrible horrible unexpected loss.

[@LeeNic]

@GreenAngel it is a horrible experience. I am so sorry you lost your love.... and so suddenly. It’s been 20 days for me and I can’t imagine how I am going to get through the next 30 years without him. I am 49 and he was 57. We had only been married 4 years and I feel I’ve been robbed. After reading many posts, we all feel robbed no matter how long you have been together. I am glad you are here posting. It has helped me. 

 

[KayC]

@GreenAngel  I'm glad you are here.  I responded to you in your thread, and hope you will continue to come here.

[GreenAngel]

KayC-I am so sorry for your loss also. I know that I love my husband just as much the first day We met to the last day that I saw him. I know that whether you were married 4 years or 50 years the pain is still the same and the loss is still excruciating. I am 63 and my husband just turned 60 in March of this year. Our plans were to retire together next March. I have been desperately trying to find people that I can talk to you which may help me understand if what I am feeling  is normal and safe. I know it’s hard for others to talk about their loss but I feel if I could talk about mine to others, share my feelings During this time and I could listen to others and their feelings maybe It could would help me well I was maybe I could help someone else

[KayC]

On 8/15/2020 at 8:17 AM, GreenAngel said:

which may help me understand if what I am feeling  is normal and safe.

Oh yes, it is!  If you stick around here, you'll see you're in good company.  We all help each other.