Husband died of overdose. 2 small kids

[MakNay]

My husband died of an overdose on 7/15 (pain killers). I never knew he had a drug problem for the past 2 years. I found out a few weeks after our son was born in May that these past 2 years he has been addicted and taking pain killers behind my back. Around May 2020, he started snorting so he was fainting. I called his family we had an intervention in June 2020. I feel guilty because I had a feeling that he relapsed but I was ignoring it. I feel guilty because I left the house that night to go be with friends and came home to find him dead in the bathroom after he put our 2 year old and 2 month old to bed. I’m lost. I’m broken. I am hurt. We were together for 12 years, married for almost 6 years. 2 babies. Will life ever get better? I miss him and I hate him.

[Gail 8588]

MakNay,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is tragic, and so unfair.  I hope you have family and friends that can help you through this most difficult time. 

Please come here to rant, vent, question, or just read the posts of others who have lost their spouse. None of us chose to  be on this grief journey, but here we are.

Your loss is so raw and deep right now it is a challenge to just get through each day. It will get easier, but that will take some time. 

Be kind to yourself.

Gail

[foreverhis]

I only have minute right now, but wanted to welcome you.  We are all on our own journeys, but we're walking this painful road together.  You've found a good place to be.  This site and the members on it almost literally saved my life when I was wandering hopeless and in such pain as I could never have imagined.

One thing I want to mention is that your feelings are completely natural, given what happened.  The fact that you love and miss him does not mean that you cannot feel hate for what he did.  All of these seemingly conflicted emotions can co-exist all at once and be overwhelming and confusing.

For now, please focus on getting through each hour and day.  Focus on your children and the love you share.  And just keep breathing.

I'm so sorry for what you and your babies have lost.  It's unfair and unfathomable.  Do keep coming here to talk, question, rant, even "scream" when you need to because I promise you that we understand in ways that others cannot.

[MakNay]

I only have minute right now, but wanted to welcome you.  We are all on our own journeys, but we're walking this painful road together.  You've found a good place to be.  This site and the members on it almost literally saved my life when I was wandering hopeless and in such pain as I could never have imagined.
One thing I want to mention is that your feelings are completely natural, given what happened.  The fact that you love and miss him does not mean that you cannot feel hate for what he did.  All of these seemingly conflicted emotions can co-exist all at once and be overwhelming and confusing.
For now, please focus on getting through each hour and day.  Focus on your children and the love you share.  And just keep breathing.
I'm so sorry for what you and your babies have lost.  It's unfair and unfathomable.  Do keep coming here to talk, question, rant, even "scream" when you need to because I promise you that we understand in ways that others cannot.

Thank you. I feel so hopeless.


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[KayC]

18 hours ago, MakNay said:

 

My husband died of an overdose on 7/15 (pain killers). I never knew he had a drug problem for the past 2 years. I found out a few weeks after our son was born in May that these past 2 years he has been addicted and taking pain killers behind my back. Around May 2020, he started snorting so he was fainting. I called his family we had an intervention in June 2020. I feel guilty because I had a feeling that he relapsed but I was ignoring it. I feel guilty because I left the house that night to go be with friends and came home to find him dead in the bathroom after he put our 2 year old and 2 month old to bed. I’m lost. I’m broken. I am hurt. We were together for 12 years, married for almost 6 years. 2 babies. Will life ever get better? I miss him and I hate him.

 

@MakNay, I am so sorry for your loss.  I understand what you are saying/feeling.  My husband confessed to me three weeks before he died that he had been using meth, I don't know how long for.  I researched everything I could about it, the statistics, what I would require for him to stay here, how it all affected us.  His cardiologist said it didn't have anything to do with his death...I don't know if he said that to make me feel better or if it was true, I do know it thins the lining of the heart...who knows.  Over the next year I pieced together lies he had told me and $ he'd taken from our credit line/household to pay for his using, and it hurt.  I can understand the love/hate thing.  I want you to know that each and every feeling you have is valid and normal under the circumstances!   It took me quite some time but I was able to recognize the whole of the man and reconcile him as not just these bits and pieces, it was complicated, but I was finally able to forgive him and put it to rest.  I remember what we shared together, what we had, and it carries me still.  His love was beautiful...unfortunately using is an addiction that overshadows all reason and sane choice.  I also realize he started on it so he could work harder/faster and was concerned about losing his job, he provided my medical insurance and I know in the beginning that he didn't want to lose that...he'd been taught that a man worked/provided...even though I also did.  We hadn't known he had heat problems until that fateful weekend he died.  I know his motives were pure even if the totally wrong choice!  I told him that.  He was going through rehab when he died.  I like to think we would have made it through this huge hump, but as it didn't play out, no one can know 100% for sure.

You have young children...I know that makes it all the more complex for you.  I wish you the best going forward, we really want to be here for you.  This is a good safe place to share your feelings, vent, cry, scream, whatever you need!  

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years, I'm hoping something in it will be of help to you now (such as taking a day at a time) and perhaps something else later on down the road, this is a journey that can evolve over the course of time as we learn to cope and adjust...it is a lengthy process but I guess we have the time.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[jwahlquist]

On 7/30/2020 at 7:51 PM, MakNay said:

 

My husband died of an overdose on 7/15 (pain killers). I never knew he had a drug problem for the past 2 years. I found out a few weeks after our son was born in May that these past 2 years he has been addicted and taking pain killers behind my back. Around May 2020, he started snorting so he was fainting. I called his family we had an intervention in June 2020. I feel guilty because I had a feeling that he relapsed but I was ignoring it. I feel guilty because I left the house that night to go be with friends and came home to find him dead in the bathroom after he put our 2 year old and 2 month old to bed. I’m lost. I’m broken. I am hurt. We were together for 12 years, married for almost 6 years. 2 babies. Will life ever get better? I miss him and I hate him.

 

My heart is breaking for you and your kids.   This journey is rough.  I have struggled with being there for my daughter as she navigates her own grief journey and taking care of myself. After 6 months I still couldn’t tell you if life will ever get better.   It doesn’t feel like it but maybe someday........