Struggling to come to terms with the loss of my Girlfriend, best friend, and soul mate.

[Eoin James]

Hello,

It has now just been 2 months since my best friend and soul mate took her own life. 

We both met whilst studying in our early 20's and immediately we found comfort in one another and we both fell in love. We lived together a 3 years and spent almost every day together, we would joke around that we were butter on toast and when the butter melts in, they become one. We were together for 3 years. She was my everything. She made me feel the happiest I ever have in my life and being with her, made me feel safe and at home. I was never apprehensive of what the future held when I knew I had her. Unfortunately 2 months ago, she took her own life. We lived in an apartment together and I found her, it was all very abrupt and I had to do CPR and tried to bring her back but I was too late. When I found her she was blue, she had hung herself and I just remember that moment, my life fell apart. I felt such a void and have till this day. She always had issues with impulsive behaviour and she didn't deal well with things not going to plan as she lost her mother at a very young age. She would always feel that little details not working out would be the be all and end all and she always struggled to see the bigger picture. I feel so broken and lonely now that she is gone. It was so abrupt and impulsive and I have struggled to cope with the whole situation. She was my best friend and we did everything together, we shared all of the same hobbies and it was the first relationship where we both cried after sex many times, just overcome with emotion and love for one another. We both said to each other how we felt we met the one. 

Unfortunately that day, we had an argument because I didn't put the lid on a detergent bottle. It got blown up and she got mad I wouldn't apologise, but I was being stubborn because of how aggressive and worked up she was over detergent. This was an example of how she couldn't deal with small things but she would be spectacular with really difficult things. The argument got heated and she got really worked up that I laughed at her reaction and she was physical with me. I had told her that I couldn't be around that sort of behaviour in a relationship. She said she wanted to have some time to think, so we hugged and I had to do some work. When I saw her next, she was gone. I feel nothing but pain that if I had've known what she was thinking, I would have been more patient and I should have just apologised for the detergent. The physicality seems so minor now she is gone. 

 

I feel so lost without her. 

I feel responsible that she did this in our shared apartment and I never expected anything like this.

We were together 3 years and I feel so alone. I don't have any friends as she was my everything. 

I wake up every morning overwhelmed with emotion because I miss her. I don't know where I am anymore.

I don't feel attractive, I don't want anyone but her. I feel as though I'm lost and nobody would care if I was found.

The future we both had involved us and now she is gone, I feel broken.

It's been 2 months and every day seems to be harder.

[KayC]

I am so so sorry for your loss and all the more that she took her own life.  It doesn't seem possible she killed herself over something so trivial, it shows there was something going on inside of her that she wasn't making aware to others.  I used to work with someone named Bobby and he killed himself, he was my friend and boss' son, I'd known him all my life.  He was getting "help" but it was a Sunday and he didn't feel he could wait until Monday.  Very tragic, very hard.  I was like part of their family and this hit us all.  I hope you realize you did not bring this on.

For you the loss is tremendous, loss of her, loss of your dreams, the future you'd planned.  I am glad you found this place, we want to be here for you.  There is no fix, only trying to adjust, we wish we could turn back the clock to when they were alive but that isn't afforded us.  We're here to listen.

I wrote this article of what I'd found helpful over the first ten years of my grief journey, I hope something in it helps you today, maybe something else later on in your journey, as it's ever evolving even as we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives.  To say it takes time is an understatement.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Gary.Sanchez14@yahoo.com]

Hey I’m so sorry for your loss! I just lost my girlfriend of 10 years on July 8th. It’s been so hard for me. We worked together all day. Literally stood next to each other our whole shift. We’d come home together, cook together, eat, sleep, repeat! We loved each other so much! She was my soulmate! My high school sweetheart. Just like you we had the same hobbies. I’d lost contact with fiends because I was so happy just being with her. Now that she’s gone I can’t imagine my life without her. It’s scary I feel alone. I’m used to looking over and she being right beside me on the couch. She’s not there in the passengers seat when I’m driving anymore. It’s so hard! She was only 25 years old and died of a heart attack! It’s been three weeks now and not a day goes by that I don’t cry for her.

[DazedNConfused]

I am so sorry for your loss. I cant begin to imagine how such an abrupt end could be processed.  It was sudden and I am sure it feels like your worst nightmare.  Try not to go down the rabbit hole of shoulda coulda.  I tried to avoid thinking of all the things that I should have done differently and all the things I could have done to change the outcome. I have to stop myself when I start down that road...I guess I am trying to say that it's not your fault. 

I write in a journal and write as if I am writing to my fiance who passed in May. It helps a bit.  Sometimes I can't but during the times I can I try to focus on being thankful for the good memories. If you try that and it works I hope it brings some comfort.

[KayC]

@Gary.Sanchez14@yahoo.com  I am so sorry, it seems unreal someone could have a heart attack so young, I was blindsided when my husband had his, barely 51, we didn't know he had heart problems!  We didn't meet until our mid-40s so it felt cut real short.

I hope you will read/print the tips I wrote above, learning to do one day at a time was so helpful to me.  Also practicing living in the present, it took a while, this is quite a process.  I'm glad we have this site!

[Gary.Sanchez14@yahoo.com]

@KayC I'm glad I found this site too. I was feeling hopeless, I didn't know how to cope with this anymore. So I got on Google and found this forum. I still miss her so much! This morning I woke up and cried because she wasn't there next to me to turn and kiss! It's very hard to do anything without her. We did everything together and I got used to that.

 

So you were with your husband 11 years and then lost him? I'm really sorry. Life is so unfair sometimes. 

[KayC]

No, I only knew him 6 1/2 years, we were married 3 years 8 months.  He was the love of my life.

[Gary.Sanchez14@yahoo.com]

@KayC I'm so sorry! It seems so unfair that you find someone you love so much and then they just get taken away! How long has it been? Do things get easier?

[@LeeNic]

@KayC I just lost my husband on Monday to heart issues. It was sudden. We just celebrated our 4th anniversary and had been together only 7 1/2 years. I am devastated and feel robbed. He was my everything. Having to isolate during Covid was one of the best things. We loved every minute of it. I find myself laying next to his shoes he left in the bathroom just crying for him to come back. I feel I not only lost him but my entire life, my identity, my role/place in this world. 

[KayC]

It has been 15 years for me.  Not sure I'd call it "easier" but we do learn to adjust and cope, we get more used to being alone, but we never stop loving and missing them!  In all this time never once has a day gone by when he hasn't been uppermost in my mind and in my heart.  I lost my 25 year old cat this year, and nearly a year ago I lost my favorite dog of all time, Arlie, and it hit me like it did when I lost my husband, it doesn't affect as many aspects of my life, but living alone with him as my companion, I depended on him so much!  Dang, this life just doesn't seem to give us a break, does it!  

You feel robbed because we are...nothing fair about this.  You are right about feeling loss of identity, it takes a while to begin to see yourself as a whole person in your own right, we always feel our "other half" is missing.  It took me years to process my grief, years more to find purpose (being here for others going through this) and years more yet to build a life I could live...it's nothing like my old life, I learned not to compare, but it's doable.  

Take one day at a time, anything else feels too much to handle, I do that still.  And try to look for something good in your day, no matter how small, nothing too insignificant to count.  After a while of practicing this you begin to learn art of living in the present, it's been a real life-changer for me.

[Gary.Sanchez14@yahoo.com]

@KayC my girlfriend had just gotten two cats about two years ago. I never liked cats but she made me fall in love with these two kitties. They're all I have left of her pretty much. I'm gonna take care of them for her but I'm also scared of the day that they will pass away! I'm scared it will hurt just as bad. Life just isn't fair I miss her so much! I broke down the other day because I was feeling so lonely. Like I'm used to always having her there to share my thoughts. Now all I can do it just stay quite because there's no one around me that I can just speak to.  It's really sad the house is super quite cuz there's no one to talk to.

[foreverhis]

On 7/25/2020 at 3:43 PM, Eoin James said:

I feel responsible that she did this in our shared apartment and I never expected anything like this.

Welcome.  The words "I'm sorry" seem so insufficient, but I am so very sorry you have lost the love of your life.  We here understand in ways others cannot and do not because we are all on the same unwelcome and painful journey.  You've found a good community here and you do not ever have to walk this path alone again.

I'll tell you that the guilt you are feeling is completely normal, unfortunately.  We are the ones left here, so we are the ones who take the blame on ourselves.  Our hearts are searching for a different outcome, so naturally we look for everything we could have done that would have kept our loves with us.  KayC, who is such a source of comfort, compassion, and a voice of experience, reminds us that feeling guilt doesn't actually make us guilty.  It's really hard to believe it and I am still struggling with guilt and shame, but I know she is right.

IMO, you did the right thing being firm about physical confrontation.  She probably realized it and may have felt ashamed.  She asked for some time to think and you respected her wishes.  You could not have known that her illness (more on that in a minute) would drive her to take her own life.  It seems clear that you love her with every beat of your heart and that she loved you the same.  Try to hold on to that as you get through each day.  And that is what you should do now, get through each day or even each hour at a time.

About her illness and to be very clear:  I am not a doctor or a medical professional at of any kind.  But as a lay person, I have some strong opinions.  It could be that your love had an undiagnosed mental illness.  And to be very clear again:  An illness in our brains is no different from an illness in any other part of our body.  It upsets me that our society would consider them differently, especially treating mental illnesses as if someone should just "buck up" and be happy (or whatever).  You could not have changed what happened any more than I could have cured my husband's cancer.  As you come to terms with your devastating loss and grief, try to understand that her illness compelled her.  It was not a weakness or failing on her part--or yours.

Please come here to talk, rant, question, or for any reason at all.  Over time, it really helps.

[KayC]

George and I got a kitten, Tigger, a year before his death.  Tigger waited for two months for George to come home, then looked at me long and hard as if committing me to memory, turned tail and left...never to be seen again.  It was hard.  George used to play with him while I was fixing dinner, so of course he attached more to him.  It felt like a rejection on top of everything else though, like I was chopped liver.  But I realize Tigger was grieving too and didn't know what to do for him, I was in shock still.

 

[Eoin James]

Hi Everyone,

 

Thank you for your responses, some of them have really helped.

It's just been 2 and a half months now since she passed away. I find myself for the last two weeks going to bed in tears with a huge void in myself and waking up the same. Starting my days have gotten incredibly difficult. I miss her everyday and I always think about her, I wish she could be here by my side. It's very hard to process and understand loss, especially when your first real experience is someone you were very close and intimate with. I often can't believe she is gone for good. I am not in denial, but the acceptance that she is forever gone, no longer alive. It breaks me. She had so much beauty and love for the world and to see such a beautiful and pure and honest individual leave in that fashion. It's unjust and I know a lot of us can relate to that feeling.

 

I can't seem to figure out a way to look to the future, I don't know where I want to be or go. I guess I had always assumed we would be together forever. We spoke about marriage and in the first year, I told her I was going to propose to her after our degree. It was the end of our degree, and I guess as a student I couldn't afford the ring I would want for her, she would often joke in bed at night, asking me to marry her. Every time I think of these moments of beauty, how pure she was and happy, I break down. 

 

I have her photos up in my room, and every day I think of her. I'm very lucky when there are a few days where I can just cope. 

This last week, I've been increasingly aware of the date coming up to 3 months. We had been going out for 3 years and in my mind, when I felt suicidal at the start, I always felt I should wait until 3 months to see if things get better. I never believe in suicide having been through ups and downs myself. I know how life can change when you least expect it, for better or worse. This last week, I've been contemplating giving up. I feel as though my fate and path in life was to meet her and marry her and we both were there to heal one another and I failed her. I feel as though I failed the most innocent and pure person in this world. She hated herself for her anger issues and physicality, I believe she took her own life because of this. I feel nothing but hatred for myself for not realising how she was feeling. I felt hurt in that moment in time but in hindsight, the pain I feel now, is almost incomporable to the physical. I was just afraid of her at times, not afraid of my safety, I was afraid of how someone could have two sides. I never wanted that for our relationship, and I guess I tried to fix it with ignorance rather than truly dedicating myself to helping someone I loved. I always had it in my heart and mind, I could never leave her, because of how much I cared and loved her, but it was never going to be enough for just me to know that. If she had have knew maybe she would have held on. 

I feel as though the only person who knew everything about me, and the only person who I knew all about is gone. I don't crave anyone else other than her. 

I don't want to move on and have another love because she was the only person in my life who made me feel normal and attractive for who I am and not for anything else.

 

This last couple of weeks have been the hardest for me. 

I don't know where to look to for hope.

I don't have any friends, I'm lucky I have family, but even with them, I feel so alone.

I feel as though the only person who truly loved and understood me and enjoyed spending every day is gone.

I didn't know what I had. I loved her inside and out but as humans we feel as though we have forever. I felt as though we had forever.

I never expected something like this, never. 

I don't think I can live knowing I was the last one to see her, I don't think I can live looking back on our relationship and seeing how tragically it ended, how tragically one's life ended and the fashion in which she did it. I feel as though my life has become a horror movie since she passed away, my mind playing a theatre of nostalgia and trauma rather than dreams. There's no where I can go to escape my life anymore. Before I could be in her arms and I would always say that felt like home. But now, I have no home. 

I just feel as though my days are coming to an end. I feel as though I had my moment, and it passed. 

My ignorance. My lack of awareness. 

I should have known. I should have saved her. 

I failed the person I cared about the most.

How can I deserve to exist and be here. It should be me gone, not her. 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, Eoin James said:

I don't have any friends, I'm lucky I have family, but even with them, I feel so alone.

I feel as though the only person who truly loved and understood me and enjoyed spending every day is gone.

We can relate, this could be written my me when I lost my husband.  All of our friends disappeared overnight!  I wouldn't have expected that  In the beginning I figured it must have been HIM they liked and not me, but I came to realize it wasn't personal at all, it was that they didn't want reminded of their own immortality and if it could happen to me, it could to them also, so they preferred to bury their head in the sand.  That and people don't know what to say, this makes them uncomfortable.  Our family cares but if they haven't been through it, they can't begin to comprehend the life sentence we just got.  

You haven't failed anyone although I realize I can't talk you out of your feelings.  You would have laid down your life for her, how could we know this would be what would happen?

And for myself I am growing old alone, it's been 15 years he's been gone, I wouldn't wish this on anyone, least of all him!  I find my one consolation is that HE is not having to go through what I am.

[foreverhis]

8 hours ago, Eoin James said:

We had been going out for 3 years and in my mind, when I felt suicidal at the start, I always felt I should wait until 3 months to see if things get better.

Please understand that what I'm going to write is not intended to make you think there's no hope.  That is not what I mean at all.

Here's the truth:  Three months is barely a breath in the time line of grief like this.  It's barely enough time to comprehend the shock and pain we feel. It is not enough time to accept your loss.  It took me well over a year, but I came to accept that my love is gone from this world.  I will never accept that it was right, fair, or just.  It was not.  I was not in denial nor did I forget.  It's simply that my heart wouldn't believe what my mind knew was true.

It's highly unlikely that you will feel better so soon.  I urge you in the strongest possible way to not use an arbitrary length of time to make any kind of permanent decisions, especially regarding your own life.  Your pain will ebb and flow.  You will likely find that your path twists and makes u-turns and strange side trips.  I made baby steps forward, only to be pushed back or around by an event or memory.  But I continue to take those baby steps as I can, not because "Your husband would want you to be happy" (Well, duh, right?) or because I believe I should "move on" (we do not move on or get over this), but because that is what I choose to do.

These first months are in many ways the worst if only because you are still in shock.  As well, after a few months, the people in our lives usually have gone back to their own worlds.  Their lives continue forward largely unchanged.  Of course, the people who knew your love will grieve and miss her, but they cannot ever understand the depth of your grief. 

But I'm learning that this grief evolves, it changes.  It doesn't go away, but the edges soften and the unrelenting, constant anguish diminishes so that it's bearable.  I have taken steps forward and can reach for little bits of light.  I am learning to carry my grief, rather than letting it crush me under its weight.  It's not easy and it's not fast, but it does happen.

Please, give yourself a lot more time to see where this journey takes you.  I'd be lying if I said the thought of joining my husband never entered my mind.  You bet it did!  In the early months, it was there as a little "poke" in my heart often.  How easy it would be to simply make my pain end by ending it all.  I never got beyond those vague thoughts, never made any plans, but the idea was back there for sure.  I think it's that way for most of us.  At first and sometimes for a long time, we cannot imagine our grief ever changing, we cannot see any reason for carrying on.  What you are feeling at this point is unfortunately, completely to be expected. normal even (if normal is part of our vocabulary now).

9 hours ago, Eoin James said:

I failed the person I cared about the most.

How can I deserve to exist and be here. It should be me gone, not her. 

You could not have known.  I won't say it's as "simple" as that because none of this is simple.  But it is true. 

If you ask the members here, you'll find that we all struggle with this.  No matter the circumstances, we are the ones remaining, so we are the ones who blame ourselves.  Whether it was me not pushing the doctors, my husband, and myself harder and sooner or it's someone whose love died in an accident or a love was lost to a heart attack, stroke, or other sudden event, we all find fault in ourselves.  We believe we should somehow have been able to change what happened.  Yet we are not all-powerful or all-knowing.  Of course, knowing that rationally and accepting it emotionally are too separate things.  I know it, but am struggling to accept it still. 

Your love suffered from an illness that took her from you.  It is no more your fault than it is hers, which is to say that neither of you is to blame.  You do deserve to live, to exist, and to slowly move forward with her in your heart and mind.  Your love will be with you always.

For now, please just keep breathing and, cliche though it is, take it one day, one hour, one moment at a time.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

if it could happen to me, it could to them also, so they preferred to bury their head in the sand

More, I think.  It's that many of them realize that someday it will happen to them.  Deep down they know that one day, no one can know when, one of them will be left to struggle on alone.  That scares the heck out of almost everyone, so they definitely bury their heads in the sand, rather than seeing the truth of it and facing it head on.

[KayC]

I couldn't imagine a week without George in my life!  I was in shock!  It took me probably three years just to process it!  Everyone's timeline is different, so that doesn't mean it'll take that long for you.  It is so important to give ourselves the time needed to process this, to see the changes that are wrought in our grief journey, to give ourselves time to adjust and hone our coping skills.  It took me years more to find purpose and years more yet to build a life I could live.  I've learned that comparisons are real joy-killers so I try not to go there.  I have learned to appreciate whatever good there is, no matter how minute, how small, nothing is too trivial to count...I grasp it and embrace it.  It's what I have for the moment.  II learned early on to take one day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute.  I think, "I can do today."  Then tomorrow I get up and do it all over again.  Such is one of the survival techniques.  No it's not meaningless, it's my life, it's what I have.  

I talk to George.  If they knew how much, they'd probably haul me away.  That's okay, with the connection we have/had, it was inevitable.  I talk to Arlie (my dog) too, tomorrow is one year he's been gone.  Those are the two hardest losses I've had to deal with, and that says a lot, I've had a lot of losses in my life.  It's never easy.  But there is a path forward on this journey, it will be unique to each of us.  We do what brings us the most comfort and that will vary among us.  

Grief has a way of rewriting our address book.  We needn't tolerate those who bring us difficulty.  We learn to place our own selves as priority, which we need in order to get through this.

Sending thoughts of comfort and peace to you today.

[Eoin James]

It's just been over 3 months now since I lost my best friend and soul mate. As time passes by, some days become slightly easier than others, mostly the days where I stay distracted for as long as possible, filling my time with chores and small things that dont give me fulfilment but rather help me cope with the silence and loneliness. 

As I haven't been on medication to help mesleep for a while now, I find my memories coming back clearer and through the grieving process sometimes I even find my mind playing tricks on me, changing memories to try and help me make more sense out of a horrible situation. 

I think about her everyday. The most difficult part of this, has not been accepting that she is no longer a part of my life but accepting that somebody who you loved and someone who was loved by so many, had so much potential, love and life to give the world is gone. Forever. Not away on a holiday or travelling the world, but they're no longer here. I will never experience those experiences ever again. 

I think about the last night we spent together. I think about how we both weren't in great mood and how the arguing which began over a small laundry bottle spilling escalated because we both were just stressed with life and needed an unload. I look back at how I handled her stress and her anger. I wish I could have been more patient, I shouldn't have thought of myself and left the situation. I should have been more patient and understanding with her. Everything was going normal until we got back from the shops and the Detergent spilled. I was so taken aback from the abrupt change in mood, I couldn't deal with it. 

I remember she got physical with me because I laughed at her irrational reaction to the Detergent and then it escalated. She grabbed and scrabbed and choked me when I was laughing and I kept trying to distance myself, trying to go to another room. 

It got to the point where I said I couldn't be in a relationship where that behaviour takes place. She told me she was trying to fix it but I remember she would always get worked up and let things bubble up, I had told her that whilst she is trying, things haven't changed. I said I dont think anyone could be in a physical relationship like that. I was angry and I was upset with how she got angry and also upset about a good day being ruined because of something material. 

I remember saying that I couldn't see a future with her with children if I was to have children around that behaviour. I meant this, not from spite, but my heart was broken. I was angry. I was so and am still very much in love with her and I wanted a marriage and only ever to have children with her. But her behaviour scared me, it would be so sporadic and intense and i stayed with her for so long because i cared and truly loved her. I knew her anger came from unresolved trauma from when she lost her mum at a young age. I knew she had a heart of gold. But this day I was just fed up, I didnt want to keep promoting the physicality and nature of how we would argue. Usually it would be an argument through the whole day and we would resolve it but this day I kept leaving the room, I kept dismissing her saying I didnt want to be a part of it and for us to continue about her day. 

I reflect on this day more than anything else in our relationship. I believe that I had found someone who loved me more than themselves and more than I loved them. For much of the relationship, i felt as though i loved them more than me and i was afraid of them leaving. I became complacent and with us spending almost every day together for 3 years, i became used to having my best friend around by my side. Never far enough to miss or be able to reflect on what i have or dont have. That day i was impatient and i believe the words i said had an impact. We had worse arguments where names out of spite had been said but this was the one day, i said i couldn't be with someone like that, i didnt want kids, you haven't changed, you tried to strangle me, the physical arguments is affecting my passion and it is taking away from our passion. I truly felt unhappy. I felt unhappy that our relationship had these small issues. But I wasnt there for her. 

 

I feel like I pushed her. 

There were all these other issues she had in her life and I cant help but wake up every day thinking that the love of my life killed herself because of me. The person I cared about the most is gone, and I'm alone and have all of this left behind because I couldn't step up to the mark and just bite my tongue and be there for someone who needed me more than I needed them. 

I wake up with a huge weight of shame when I think of her smile and her face and how beautiful and warm and uniquely talent and soulful she was. I miss her everyday. 

I miss her so much. 

[Gail 8588]

On 8/14/2020 at 4:51 PM, foreverhis said:

Your love suffered from an illness that took her from you.  It is no more your fault than it is hers, which is to say that neither of you is to blame.  You do deserve to live, to exist, and to slowly move forward with her in your heart and mind.  Your love will be with you always.

Eoin James, 

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are going through.  

I understand your feelings of guilt.  I have struggled with guilt as well.  But honestly, it is not your fault.  Foreverhis speaks the truth in the quote above. 

At some point you will accept  that you are human and that you did the best you could.  You loved her for 3 years, it may have been the longest sustained relationship she ever had. 

Your reaction that day was understandable, normal, human.  You could not see into the future.

I hope you are able to talk with a therapist that can help you with your grief and guilt. 

In time, you will begin to let go of the guilt, but it can be a slow process, to accept that you are only human.  For most of the first 2 years following my husband's death, from a stroke, in my heart I held myself responsible. I felt undeserving of expressions of sympathy - because it was my fault. I didn't save him!  I still struggle with guilt sometimes, at 3.5 years,  but I don't believe it in the same way now. 

Three months is unfortunately only the beginning of a much longer journey.  Please do not give up hope. You will feel better in time. 

Peace,

Gail

[KayC]

You were responding as anyone would to domestic violence.  It is unacceptable in any relationship and I would not tolerate it.  That said, you had no way of knowing she'd die or you'd be going through this.  It gives us a different perspective, but it doesn't take away from the bottom line of domestic violence not having a place in any relationship.  What you did is set a boundary with her, and that is something you can not and should not regret.  That she died is a separate issue and of course in this emotional element, you're feeling willing to have her back at any cost.  I get that.

Three weeks before my husband died, he came to me and confessed he'd been using meth.  I hadn't known because he only used at work so he could work harder/faster, his boss got him onto it.  It was also something unacceptable.  I let him know what I'd require for him to stay with me.  I educated myself...and him.  One of my requirements was that he get rehab.  I told him he could try outpatient and if that wasn't doing it, then inpatient was necessary.  He was going through his workbook when he had a heart attack (I was gone) and drove himself to his doctor, who sent him to the hospital where he died on the third day.  When the heart surgeon was showing me the results of the testing which showed a completely damaged heart, George weakly said to me, "Now do you know why I did what I did?" to which I responded in a soft voice, "I always knew why you did what you did. (To keep his job) I just didn't think it was the right solution."  I would have been happy with him pumping gas, I didn't care what he did for a living, I just wanted him healthy and whole...I wanted him with me.  Meth thins the lining of the heart.  Although the surgeon said it didn't cause his death, I had to wonder if he was truthful or trying to spare me.  It's all a moot point now.

My sister asked me, after he died, if I regretted telling him the things I did....I said, "What?  Telling him what he needed to hear?  Hell no!  He knew I loved him and always appreciated my being honest with him.  He said he appreciated that he could count on me like that."  We had a beautiful relationship, we had faith in each other and in our relationship.  I also saw on the phone bill after he died that he had called and looked into in-house treatment.  I appreciate that he was following through.  That tells me we would have made it, through even this, even though he didn't get the chance to see it through because he died too soon.

I hope you can forgive yourself for telling her what was in her best interest, things she needed to hear, it would have been what she needed to become her best self.  We're never to old to learn.  And I bet you anything she already forgave it!  It wasn't even necessary to forgive.  (((hugs)))  Don't be hard on yourself, you are going through much.