I just can’t understand why....

[Kaydawn79]

Hi everyone! I am new here.. I came across this site looking for grief support groups and I’m glad I found this place. I am 29 years old and my wonderful husband passed away on June 4th, 2020 at 32 years old. My husband and I had been together for 6 years. We had a wonderful marriage full of love and laughter and I really thought we would grow old together. Kyle was my absolute best friend and soulmate. From day 1 he knew he would marry me. I took some convincing but eventually I realized he was perfect for me and it was the best decision I ever made. Kyle treated me like a queen and made me feel like I was the only woman in the world everyday. He truly was amazing and one of a kind. On June 1st, we were sitting in bed and all of a sudden he started complaining of his right side feeling funny and numb. After looking at him I realized he wasn’t moving the right side of his face. I called an ambulance immediately and they were there quickly and took him to the hospital. I’ll never forget how scared he looked on that gurney. After getting to the hospital, they had just taken him for imaging and I was able to sit next to him while they were waiting for results. He was having a hard time swallowing and could barely talk. The doctor finally came in and told us he had A massive brain aneurysm in his brain stem and it had not burst yet but was throwing tiny brain clots. They told us it was in an extremely dangerous area and they needed to sedate him so he didn’t aspirate. They were taking him to his ICU room and he looked at me and told me he was sorry and he loved me. I was in tears and asked him why he was sorry. I told him I loved him so much and would see him in the morning. Basically after that everything went downhill. My baby ended up having a massive stroke and they told us he would never walk, talk, breathe on his own... he would basically be a vegetable the rest of his life. I chose to take him off of life support which was the hardest thing I think I’ll ever have to do. Kyle passed at 5 AM on June 4th... I just can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe I didn’t get to say goodbye. 
Right now everything is so hard and soul crushing and I just don’t know how I’m going to live this life without him. I miss him so much. He was my better half. Where do I go from here? How do I get past feeling guilty that I didn’t take him to the dr sooner? He had been having terrible headaches and I just didn’t put 2 and 2 together. His bio dad died from the exact same thing at 35... why did we not check that knowing that info?? I just hurt all day every day. Any advice you can give would be so appreciated. I’m so sad and lost.. I just wish I could bring him back. 

[KayC]

I am so so sorry, you are a beautiful couple, I think it's hardest when I read of someone so young...we were only married 3 years 8 months, never dreamed he'd die so young...heart.
That was 15 years ago, I didn't see how I could live a week w/o him, but here I am
 

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years...hoping something is of help to you...today or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Kaydawn79]

Thank you so so so much! That list is incredible and I will definitely be practicing these things. I think they will help so much. It’s so great to talk to people that understand ❤️

[Missy1]

So sorry for your broken heart, it’s so painful and surreal. I still wonder what happened, how could this be?? He is imprinted on my soul. They were everything to us. I hope you are able to eat even if it’s a little. Days when I can’t find the will to eat, I drink protein drinks to. Keeps me fainting at least. I don’t have an answers, there really are none until the day we go where they are. I wish you peace, this will be a very difficult journey. 

[Michelene]

oh, my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry...

[Tash B]

Hi Kay, 

 

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I am too a young widower. I just turned 30 this year and lost my partner of 12 years a month and a bit ago. It’s still very new for me too, and I can relate to all the emotions and feelings you are going through. It was tragic and sudden and it has been extremely hard to process. Everyday seems like the same day with different triggers you still manage to find yourself sobbing alone. I cried for 5 weeks straight after his freak accident and passing away. I thought is this crying ever going to end? and to my surprise one day I didn’t cry the entire day, the first day in 5 1/2 weeks and I don’t get me wrong I thought about him throughout the day but I wasn’t sobbing in pain laying in bed all day like I normally was. Each day is different and you just have to let your emotions out be that sadness, anger, a sense of unfairness etc. just know there are many people that can completely understand and relate and are here as your sounding board. I joined a few online grief support groups and I found them so helpful to meet and see people who just get it. Friends and family esp being a young widow don’t understand the pain, sadness and unfairness or losing your best friend and partner tragically at a young age. Another grief support group I would recommend to you Is the Hot Young Widows Club. It sounds a bit bizarre I was extremely skeptical at first as well but it’s people who have lost their partners and the support is phenomenal. Just know you aren’t alone. <3

I know the what ifs, could ofs and so on are so hard to not think about. I’ve learned though once you start that it’s honestly a downward spiral for yourself. Just be kind to yourself