Need help with EXTREME GUILT in my grief

[Laurabelle]

My mom died 5/26/20 - autoimmune hepatitis/decompensated cirrhosis -  CHF/stroke/heart attack/osteoporosis. I was with her in the hospital when hospice /comfort care was the only real option and stayed with her the entire week she died - she died in my arms ( for that I am most blessed). Here is why I have such guilt - I am paralyzed and having trouble functioning in everyday life...getting counseling and taking anti-anxiety medication, but guilt is worsening...need advice if this level is ok in early grief, because if it does not dissipate, I do not know how I will live the rest of my life carrying this burden. 

For 5 years since my Dad dies of colon cancer ( I helped mom care for him as well), she wanted to die - to be with him.  She gave up - no matter what I did, it did not help. I visited her every day after work at her house until her multiple falls ( broken hip. broken neck), precipitated her moving in with me.  I was there every day at the hospital, every day at the rehabs, coordinated everything with her care - doctors, etc...took care of the bills, all her personal stuff, everything.  After she moved in with me, she suffered a heart attack and stroke -  more hospitals, more rehab - i was there daily. this past January, she had a set back -  internal bleeding/bowel impaction. After 3 weeks in rehab after discharge, the skilled nursing facility PT staff and doctor told me she was a 2 person assist and either needed more rehab ( she had maxed out there) or 2 people at all times.  She did not want to get 2 caregivers at my house when I was working so we decided to try a 30 day additional trial at a restorative care facility - PT/OT 5x a week - 2x a day ... private room, wonderful caring staff, therapists, caregivers, nurses, etc...she really wanted to come home, but I hahd no caregivers lined up but me, and since she needed 2 at all times, she agreed to the 30 days.  She made some friends there ( she had lost all her friends when she moved up with me except by phones - 3x a day), and liked some of the activities ...she was really into the therapy ...at the end of the 30 days, I was ready to bring her home ( I had located extra caregivers), but she said she wanted to stay another 30 days to see how she would do because she was just starting to see some progress in therapy ( standing, etc.) The goal was to be a 1 person assist and come home.   Anyway, then COVID hit - lockdown/ I could not visit -only phone calls ( 3x  day)...I wanted her to come home ( at least until the crisis was over).  She said she was staying there unless there was an active case in her building or with her caregivers. I didn;t feel comfortable, but her PCP said they could take of her better medically than I could at home during the crisis and to carefully monitor things so I could bring her home should any cases develop.  None ever did... However, end of April/beginning of May she started getting weaker and eating less - she was depressed I'm sure, and had a series of issues with her bowels and nausea, etc. which the medical team handled - bed-side x-ray, meds, etc. I started begging her to come home - told her all the reasons why she neded to come home and let me care for her - PT/OT didn't matter -  no matter what happened, I wanted her to be with me - i would take a leave of absence and care for her. She refused to discuss it - said no -multiple times and would not talk to me about it - said it I kept bringing it up she would not talk to me and hang up.  Then she got sick and wound up in the hospital the 2nd week of May...which led to the dx of liver failure and hospice. I am WRACKED and TORMENTED with guilt and regret that i did not bring her home from the first rehab stint ( she wanted to come home - but without the extra caregivers), and then worse yet, that I did not overrride her protestations and MAKE HER COME HOME when she started feeling badly in early May. I begged, pleaded, cried, etc...but she said she needed a lot of care and she was comfortable with the people there and the staff and did not want to get to know new caregivers or be a burden to me ( she was never a burden...I loved her so much and took care of her for all those years).  Now she is gone, and I can never make it right -bring her home and have her spend her last weeks with me caring for her...I think about how she must have felt as she got sick and and am so angry at myself for not overriding her wishes and making her come home.  I will never forgive myself for this horrible decision and cannot envision having to live like this the rest of my life.  Please give me some hope and ways to work through this paralyzing guilt.

[reader]

Dear Laurabelle,

Please don't be hard on yourself. We all look back and think how things could be different but always know you did the best you could. This article helped me a lot.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Guilt is one of the most common feelings we all have.

I also found a lot of support at this website Aging Care.

Thinking of you.

[Peony]

Laurabelle,  I read your post and can honestly say I'm in awe of your dedication and love of your mother,  everything you have said clearly show's you tried EVERYTHING to ensure your mother was cared for in a safe and loving way.  Your mother wouldn't want you to be torturing yourself like this with 'what if's'.  Grief is all encompassing and causes us to question everything but the truth is you loved your mother, you were an amazing advocate for her, you only wanted her to be safe and cared for and you tried your very best.  Try to focus on the good moments with your mother, be kind to yourself as your mother would want you to be.  I have similar guilt issues surrounding my mother's loss so I'm also working through this too. It's very hard but we have to be gentle with ourselves and focus on the good we did.  ((hugs))

[nuvar]

Laurabelle, please do not be too hard on yourself. You did what you could.

When it happened to me I wanted to bring my mum back and I couldnt. However, you know there is little you could have done in that situation. There are many things in life we cant have absolute control over. Your mum would not have wanted you to feel guilty about this.

[var]

your mom didn't want to go to your house when you asked her multiple times

she wanted some control of her life/destiny

when I let my mom be MOM and make her own decisions, she was happiest and I realized I had to relinquish some control

watching my 85 year old mother make decisions that were not what I thought were the best choices was hard but it was the right thing to do

you have to let it go, it is not your fault

it was the way it was meant to be