Losing my mother during and having a father that’s dying

[Ashley S]

So I’m new to this but my story starts 3 years ago. 3 years ago, my father was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and was given a year to live. He started chemo and radiation and after a few months decided to stop because he didn’t like the way it made him feel. He’s had many ups and downs but still continued to fight. Let’s fast forward to last April. I’m April 2019, my husband and I got married in Jamaica, when we came back, my mom was sick. Very sick. She had lost a bunch of weight and we found out she also had stage 4 lung cancer. She started radiation and chemo and fought so hard. The chemo and radiation didn’t work, she was just getting sicker and sicker and her cancer was spreading so fast. On February she started getting very bad. She couldn’t eat without throwing up, she was in severe pain from her tumors.. she was in and out of hospital. In March, my husband and I were diagnosed with Covid 19. My husband was very sick and in the hospital for 4 days, at this time my mom was also in the hospital. While they were both in the hospital I got a call from my moms oncologist stating that she had 2 weeks to live. Meanwhile because of Covid and me being on quarantine I could not be with her. She was moved up to the hospice floor. I got off quarantine on April 2nd and went to be with her every single day. She had sucH a good week that week. Every single time I came to visit her she would want to play cards right away. I got to spend 5 days with her before she went into a coma. She was very peaceful and pain free the entire time thank god. I remember 3 days before she died I fell asleep on the chair and had a dream about her telling me she wanted to go home. I didn’t think much of it at the time but I had the same exact dream the night before she died. The day she died, I was with her until 4pm and my sister was coming (we were only allowed 1 visitor at a time because of this stupid virus) when I said goodbye to her I just knew it would be the last time I’d see her alive. The call came at 6:10pm on April 17x She was gone. That was the worst day of my entire life. She was my best friend, we did every single thing together. We were only allowed 10 people at her funeral. 10 people. I couldn’t even hug my friends. Losing her was bad enough but during these times I think made it so much worse. My dad couldn’t come to her funeral because he’s currently living in a hospice house and they wouldn’t let him leave. 3 days ago, my brother got a call, my dad is declining a lot, he’s actively doing now, the cancer has taken over his brain. He’s become very mean, I know that’s not him but it still hurts. I just don’t know how to deal with all of this. It’s too much, I want my poor family to get a break. I want my mom back. I want my dad back. I just need help, I need people to talk to. I need support 

[reader]

Dear Ashley,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating to see both parents go through so much and its unfair. Please know we are with you and thinking of you. There are more supports available at these websites as well. 

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

[Peony]

Ashley,  you have been through the worst time imaginable and it all sounds too much. I can relate to your story somewhat.  My mother passed away in January from an unknow heart disease which led to a heart attack, she had emergency surgery but the damage was too much and she passed away 4 days after her surgery whilst on life support in ICU.  I was able to speak to her before her operation but she was unwell and very scared.  I spent every day with her in ICU hoping she could hear me tell her how loved she was but I'll never know if she heard me.  She was my dad's carer and he is just devastated.  My dad has severe end stage Emphysema and a lung mass that they can't biopsy.  Its soul destroying to see how heartbroken he is and watch his health worsen too.  My dad couldn't come to my mothers funeral either due to his poor health and severe breathlessness.  I just want you to know that you are not alone, I empathise with you and I'm glad you have reached out to this forum. I am new here too and it definitely helps to post here and get the support.  I also keep a journal that i write down my thoughts and feelings, i can rage on the paper or have a 'conversation' with my mother and it really helps.  Those days playing cards with your mother were such a blessing for you both, nothing can take away that precious time together.  Look after yourself and try the journal, it really helps me to get it all out some days. ((hugs to you))

[Ashley S]

Thank you so much. I’m very sorry for your loss also. 

[Mark Coz]

Hey Ashley,

What a story you've got. The Covid makes it soo strange must be. Everything at once its coming in this period of your life. I hope you find alot of support from your husband and friends. Life is a mean and gruel place sometimes. I lost my mother when i was 24 and my father when i was 27. (now im 29) Losing your parents as one of the hardest things. But you will get through this!  I feel more peaceful and stronger than ever before. Unfortunately my parents never got to see my wife or my son. I am good now with all of it. There is light for you even in dark times. Believe in yourself you can! What would you say is the most difficult thing for you right now? Maybe i could give some advice to you from my experience. See if it helps you! Be blessed and prayers to you.

[Ashley S]

Thank you Mark. I think the most difficult thing for me is that I missed a few weeks with my mom before she died because  I’m a nurse so I chose to not see her for her safety. So I just have a lot of guilt.