Hardest thing

[BBB]

Hardest thing for me is the loneliness. Here's the real kicker with that...I'm what most people consider a loner. I was never super sociable. I found that my best friend and confidant was my wife. Now I find myself painfully lonely. Ironic for someone who is a "loner".

 

[MODArtemis2019]

I'm the same way, never needed or wanted a large circle of friends. My husband was my best friend. And really, he was my only close friend, for a variety of reasons. 

It goes to the magnitude of the loss. Not only did we lose our intimate life partner, our foundation, but also that friend who knew us so well and with whom we could share anything from silly nonsense to deepest feelings. 

The loneliness is there for sure. There are a couple of people I can text with— my sister, my husband's sister— and that helps me feel less alone.  I also talk to my husband fairly frequently. Somehow this helps me feel more connected, even if it leads to crying.  

[jwahlquist]

The loneliness is crushing some days.  I still have my daughter and my niece that lives with us as well.  But nothing can take away the ache of missing my husband.  He was always the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to before bed.  I miss the quiet times, the silly times, the adventures and well everything that he brought to my life.   He had such a wonderful, huge personality that my life seems so mundane now.  I still want to reach for the phone and call him.  I miss having someone to share my life with.  

[Nmark]

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago. We joked all the time that we were social distancers way before we needed to be. Hence, we did everything together. We ran, we worked out, we cooked, we cleaned, when we were at work we texted or snapped each other. The silence is deafening now. I’m so lost without him. Not sure I can learn to be social now that I’m in my 50’s so this is a great place to talk and listen to others. 

 

[KayC]

@Nmark, I am so sorry that you are in this same boat, but glad you found us, this is a safe place where we get it.

I wrote this article of the things I've found helpful over the years and hope something in it speaks to you now, maybe something else on down the road.  I want more than anything to be here for others going through this the way the people on my forum were there for me all those years ago.  You can post any time and know we're here to listen and care.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[BBB]

"how to be your own best friend", that one seems a challenge. "but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived." This one is interesting but I don't understand it. Sorry, the logic in me and maybe that's where I get stuck and it makes sense to you. To me, they're not different. If you don't want to face what you have to live through, then what is your alternative?  Or maybe at first, you did feel like you wanted to die but  chose not to. 

[Nmark]

3 hours ago, BBB said:

If you don't want to face what you have to live through, then what is your alternative?  Or maybe at first, you did feel like you wanted to die but  chose not to. 

I get what she’s saying here because that is exactly how I feel. I don’t want to live this life without my husband. He was the better half of me. Very often I feel a pain swell up in my chest the grief is so powerful. I want to go to sleep and never wake up but I have children who would suffer and I don’t want anyone to have to feel the pain I feel so for that reason I have to keep going. I have to face each day and try to find a few minutes here and there that will allow me a smile

[BBB]

I am glad you get it, still struggling with everything myself. I do have children but they're grown. Not saying that they would not miss me or grieve if I did not wake up one day but I'm pretty sure they hurt when they see me trying to grapple with my grief. Sometimes so bad I can't breath.

 

[Nmark]

BBB ... I’m not saying I’m anywhere close to okay. I struggle everyday. I feel like i can’t breath sometimes too. My grief is strong and powerful and no one around me could possibly understand because they haven’t been there. Trust me, I want to lay in traffic and let a car run over me or fall off a cliff or get struck by lightening but I know I have to show my family that they too can persevere if something like this happens to them. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, BBB said:

"but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived."

EXACTLY!  Those are the same exact words and conclusion I came to realize in my early grief!  So I tackled it one day at a time, I couldn't bite off any more than that.  I have sisters, kids, I would not want to go through this pain so I HAD to deal with it!

[BBB]

Well then I've concluded that I'm just more selfish than most of the rest of you. 

[Gail 8588]

BBB, 

I think many of us have felt we just want this pain to stop, that it is too much, that we don't want to go on.  Having those feelings doesn't make you selfish, it just means you're human and that you are dealing with a horrific, life-changing loss.

Those of us who are further down this journey want to let you know it dosen't stay this painful forever. 

If you can get through today, each day, eventually you will find your way back to wanting to live. 

Peace,

Gail

[Missy1]

Beautiful message @Gail 8588 it sure is difficult to imagine a life without constant pain, longing for the one human who made our lives whole. I Just can’t  see it right now...

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, BBB said:

Or maybe at first, you did feel like you wanted to die but  chose not to. 

I suppose that is true.  I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered just ending it all so I could be with my husband (or at least, I hoped so).  For months, it was a conscious choice to even get out of bed every day, to breathe in and out and live.  I often still ask myself what's the point of being here without my husband.  But I get out of bed every day, breathe in and out, and hope that maybe some day I'll be able to say I'm happier than I am now, even though I am certain I'll never be happy in the way I was before.

My husband and I could be content with just being the two of us.  We had a small, close circle of friends-family, but we were happy at home alone.  Now I can be in a room full of people, even people who are close to us, and still feel so alone. 

I usually have to have the TV or music on, especially in the evenings, because the silence truly is deafening.  I can't make the house feel like our home again, but at least it feels less like a tomb.

[BBB]

Well kudos to anyone who didn't have the thought of just ending it even enter their mind. As Missy said, its hard to imagine life being ok again but right now I'm not there yet. I don't look forward to two more years of this and for some the pain doesn't lessen as much as it does for others. Everyone's journey is different

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Gail 8588 said:

I think many of us have felt we just want this pain to stop, that it is too much, that we don't want to go on.  Having those feelings doesn't make you selfish, it just means you're human and that you are dealing with a horrific, life-changing loss.

Absolutely!  Believe me, the thoughts occurred to all of us in the early days/months, to some well beyond.  Sometimes it feels just too much to deal with, I seriously have to live by the one day at a time...every time I go beyond that I feel overwhelmed, anxiety taking over, and THEN is when the thoughts race... 

2 hours ago, BBB said:

Well kudos to anyone who didn't have the thought of just ending it even enter their mind.

Did anyone say it never crossed their mind?  I kind of doubt it!  As for the lessening of the pain...I've had 15 years under my belt, the intensity does lessen although I can't say how much or when, we're all individual...it helps to do our grief work, therapy, etc.  And in the beginning the thought of HAVING to work at this even angered me!  "I didn't ask for his death, why would I have to WORK at it!"  But then it doesn't take much to anger us in that early time, at least not me! 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Missy1 said:

longing for the one human who made our lives whole.

That longing will always be with me.

[jwahlquist]

23 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I usually have to have the TV or music on, especially in the evenings, because the silence truly is deafening.  I can't make the house feel like our home again, but at least it feels less like a tomb.

I feel the same way.  I can’t imagine this house ever feeling like home again.  This was our dream.  It is hard facing a life alone because our dream has become my living nightmare.  
 

I am slowly changing things up with my daughter’s help because I think it is important for her to feel like it is home even if I can’t feel like it is home.  She’s 12 and deserves to feel like the house is home and a safe place.  For her having a say in decorating makes her feel important and special.  My niece seems to feel the same sense of home when she helps decorate the house.  
 

With a 12 year old and a 17 year old and their friends it is rarely quiet around here.  Sometimes it makes life easier and other times it creates havoc.  Overall, I feel grateful to have them both with me.  

[foreverhis]

On 7/22/2020 at 4:38 AM, BBB said:

I don't look forward to two more years of this and for some the pain doesn't lessen as much as it does for others. Everyone's journey is different

I still can't and maybe never will be able to look further down the road than the very near future.  If I had contemplated 2 years alone right after I lost my love, I might very well have decided to forget it and gone further than thinking, "I don't want to be here anymore. I can't do this without you."

We are all different, even though we have all lost the loves of our lives.  At first, I could not believe I would ever feel the slightest bit "better" (a very relative term) than I did then.  I still don't know how I managed to struggle through for this long.  I can't say my grief and pain have lessened, but the edges are softer and most days aren't quite as hard to bear.  I love and miss him every bit as much as I did that first day I woke up alone, knowing he was never coming home.  Actually, I really couldn't take that in, that I had failed him and we had lost his battle.  Acceptance of that reality took a long time and it only meant that I accepted he was gone from this world, not that it was right or fair or okay.  It's not any of those things. 

I am still so resentful and angry some days.  Why was a good, honest, caring man taken from us when others I personally deem less worthy seem to thrive?  I would have taken his pain and struggle and, at the end, fear on myself in a heartbeat to spare him.  And the thing is that, if the situation had been reversed, I know he would have done the same for me.  Isn't that something?  How lucky was I to have found my imperfect, yet perfect for me, soulmate?  That he accepted me as I was, flaws and all, was a miracle and grace in my life that I sometimes think I did not deserve.  That pain will almost certainly never lessen because he truly was my "better half."

Please, I urge you not to think about how you'll be and feel in 2 years.  The only thing I know for sure is that I still have to take each day at a time because anything else takes me down further into the dark pit of complete despair.  I have to remind myself that our daughter deserves to have her mom around for a little longer, that our granddaughter needs to know her adored and adoring grandpa's stories and be reminded of what a blessing she was in his life, and that I, as the keeper of his memory, owe him that until it is my time and we are together again.  Only then will I feel like I am home.

[KayC]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Acceptance of that reality took a long time and it only meant that I accepted he was gone from this world, not that it was right or fair or okay.  It's not any of those things. 

Yes! 

 

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I still have to take each day at a time because anything else takes me down further into the dark pit of complete despair.

Me too.  It's one of the ways I've learned to do this.  Nothing is as it was...that is obvious, I've learned comparisons are real joy killers so I try not to go there.