Lost my fiancé and partner of 12 years

[Tash B]

I’m new to this group and was reading others posts and felt comfort of knowing I wasn’t the only one. I am 30 and lost my partner of 12 years ( we met when I was 18 he was 22). I lost him about a month ago at the age of 34. It was all an absolutely traumatic experience. He had a few glasses of wine at a social distancing birthday party and i was the DD and brought us back home. He had invited a few of our friends back to our place.  He is the life of the party has been in the 12 years I’ve known him. He was taking care of my friends bf who wasn’t feeling well. My precious fiancé went down the stairs to get a shirt for my friends partner when he slipped and fell. Because he had a few drinks his reaction time is slower he didn’t protect his head. I heard the fumble ran and saw him at the bottom of the stairs. There was blood, immediately I called the ambulance and they rushed him to the hospital. He had external Bleeding which they managed to stop but he had internal hemorrhaging which pushed on his brain stem and eventually led to brain death and here brain death is considered death. This all happened within 3 days. I had no time to process any of it. His family and I decided to Donate his organs as he was so young and he saved 5 strangers lives. We were supposed to get married in December - a small winter backyard wedding just with our parents and best friends. We were looking at homes to purchase 1.5 months ago. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I am finding this all so hard to deal with. Every night when I fall asleep I pray I don’t wake up in the morning. I’m grieving for him and our future, getting married, having kids, growing old with him. I feel completely alone, I have friends and family but they aren’t the same. He is my absolute rock in the toughest of storms and has been for 12 years. I feel like a body floating but lifeless and soulless as I move around. I just can’t understand how I will be able to move forward without him there. Waking up in the mornings is the hardest and going to sleep in bed alone in the evenings. I don’t feel any strength in myself. I am crying constantly anything and everything is a trigger or reminder.  I’ve lost my best friend, my future and the love of my life. Life is cruel and it doesn’t make sense. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  I think it strikes me the hardest when I hear it's someone so young with their whole life ahead of them.  My husband and I met in our mid-40s and he'd just turned 51 when he died, we were each other's everything, my soulmate and best friend.  We were supposed to grow old together.  Now I have the empty porch swing we were to do it in, the can took it over and now she too is gone.  You are so right, you are also experiencing Loss of a Dream:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/08/disenfranchised-grief-mourning-loss-of.html
 

[jwahlquist]

I know that hearing, “I am sorry for your loss”, seems like a hollow platitude but I am truly sorry for your loss. I am sorry that anyone has to experience the pain of losing their significant other.    I lost my husband of 22 years in February at the age of 48.   Finding myself a widow at 42 was never part of my plans for the future.  Losing the life we had together and the future we had planned is one of the hardest things.   

[Missy1]

This is truly the most difficult time of our lives, we are lost, angry, sad, hopeless and crushed. Our hearts are broken, we are broken, walking and drifting through this cold, unfamiliar world. I feel like a mental patient, barely functioning some days, please know that you are walking along side with us, many who are going through this, many who are healing and Yes, have found hope. I hope you will stay and post and share you journey as we do. It’s really helps we have bonded together and try to help each other. 

[Tash B]

@KayC thank you so much for your kind words. It has been extremely hard to say the least. It’s been one month since my partner passed away. It just seems everyday is the same day with different triggers. When the wave of grief hits there is no stopping it. I was driving home yesterday and must have bawled my eyes out in my car for 25 mins outside of my place. I immediately went inside and into the boxes with Kase’s ( my fiancé’s name) belongings and pulled out his jacket and smelled it while hysterically crying on the floor. It has been incredibly hard to deal with this all. I am going through anger and sadness all at the same time. It’s so upsetting that we had our entire life ahead. I’m sure you felt the same but you feel robbed of your partner and that life with him. Everyone has different advice to give and I understand no one can give me advice because all of my friends are in their 30’s and none of them have gone through trauma and grief like this before. However During these times you really start to see who is there for you and who isn’t. 

[Tash B]

@jwahlquist I am so sorry for your loss. You both are also so very young. It’s horrible the pain and grief to go through with something like this. It becomes so very overwhelming and just takes over. I’ve read that losing your significant other is one of the hardest things to process and deal with in life. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and I can completely sympathize and understand what you are going through as well. You are not only losing this person but all future plans you had made together. It’s like your life has been shredded into pieces. The scar for anything like this runs so deep. There are days I can’t leave my bed and just cry myself to sleep because existing without my person in this rat race of a world just doesn’t seem possible. 

[Tash B]

@Missy1 I couldn’t agree with you more. I feel lost and wandering the streets with no clue what I am doing or where I am going. My directions in life and desires/ wants have all been completely tossed out the window because I can’t even think of moving forward in life without him. I’ve really understood the waves of grief that can hit you, there are hours where the wave will hit me and I just can’t function. There are times around my family I will be talking to them but in reality all I want to do is go back into my bedroom my safe space and cry my eyes out until I fall asleep. Everytime I fall asleep I pray that I won’t wake up so it ends the pain I am feeling. When I see everyone walking around and laughing, even some of my friends I can’t help but get angry because my world has been completely crushed and stopped yet the world around me is still moving and spinning. I remember when they declared Kase ( my fiancé)  brain dead... I was outside the hospital sitting on the curb hyperventilating. I looked around me and cars were moving, people were walking and the sun was shining. At that moment I realized The world is cruel and your life is shattered but it doesn’t matter. I also get angry because good hearted people leave this world and none of it makes any sense.  I really appreciate the kind words and I plan to stick around I actually find so much solace knowing that I’m not the only one going through this.  

[Yoli]

Tash, please know that when I say how sorry I am for Kase's loss that the words come from a kindred spirit. I am two months and 8 days into this unasked for journey.

The words written here resonate so much with me. I often sit at work wondering how people can be chattering and laughing while my heart is broken into a million pieces. I want nothing more than to scream at them, Open your eyes and see me. See my pain. Acknowledge my pain. But you are right the world continues on without us participating. I feel like I am looking at the world through a crinkled plastic sheet, almost a part of it but not, real but not real, I can see but it is distorted. The earth feels unstable beneath my feet.

I felt so alone but in being here I realized that I am not the only person to feel this much pain. We have all lost our 'person' and it really hurts and sucks and torments to the very core.

I am trying to find my way to at least some sort of healing by doing Counselling, Reiki, Reflexology and about to start a Zoom meditation class. I have also reached out to people like never before - this does not come easy to me - my partner and I did everything together almost to the exclusion of most others.

There is a quote that goes something like this (probably not 100%accurate):

Courage doesn't always roar.     Sometimes it is a little voice inside that says, I will try again tomorrow.

[Tash B]

@Yoli thank you for your kind words. It means so much to me. I go through these moments where I just can’t understand why my Kase, why? I’m only one month into this but I feel like it’s been forever without him now. Days are going by and I just have no clue. It’s devastating for me that my best friend is gone. He is gone and I’ll never get to hear his laugh or cuddle with him on the sofa. The pain is so much and I coping with the pain is just so impossible at times. I love that quote that is pretty much exactly how I feel. There are days where I just can’t seem to do it and have to try again tomorrow. 

[Yoli]

Why is a question I often ask - why her, why us, (terrible as it sounds) why not someone else. We just had each other here in this city, her family in the States and mine in another part of the country. No children. It was just the two of us. It feels as though she has taken the best parts of me with her, the person who used to laugh and joke and act goofy. The thing that remains fiercely is my love for her.

[Yoli]

Another thing I find myself doing is if people ask me how I am doing I bypass the polite answer and say I am feeling like S@&T. At this stage I don't see the point in trying to appease anyone else's feelings. Right or wrong, good or bad, it just is what it is. If they don't want to really know the answer they shouldn't ask the question. That is just where I am sitting at this moment in time.

[KayC]

6 minutes ago, Yoli said:

if people ask me how I am doing I bypass the polite answer and say I am feeling like S@&T.

And it's okay to tell them that.

[Tash B]

@Yoli I completely agree you shouldn’t have to sugarcoat your feelings for anyone. Why the f should you? If you aren’t feeling okay and that’s okay to feel that way. I don’t sugarcoat it either when my friends call to ask me how I am I honestly just burst into tears because let’s be real I am NOT okay. One thing I’m finding is it’s hard for people to know what to say. I’ve had people who were “ giving me my space” and to be honest when did I ask for it? It’s an excuse because they don’t know what to say or do and Before I use to let things slide but now I will say “ when did I ask for space?” . One thing I can already see that has changed about myself is I refuse to put up with any bullsh** like I use to. 

[Yoli]

I know, sometimes just a simple acknowledgement of our grief will do. This is my fifth week back at work (1/2 days) and I would say about 2/3 of an office of 40 still has not even acknowledged my presence let alone my loss. Other people tell me well maybe they just don't know what to say. Well I bloody well don't know what to say either. Then others say if you need me just text/call...maybe I want you to just check up on me without prompting.

[KayC]

16 hours ago, Tash B said:

One thing I can already see that has changed about myself is I refuse to put up with any bullsh** like I use to. 

This brought me a smile as that is something that changed about myself also, I speak up for myself!  I no longer have that person that always had my back, I find it falls to ME now to have my own back!

[Michelene]

On 7/21/2020 at 3:34 PM, Yoli said:

I know, sometimes just a simple acknowledgement of our grief will do. This is my fifth week back at work (1/2 days) and I would say about 2/3 of an office of 40 still has not even acknowledged my presence let alone my loss. Other people tell me well maybe they just don't know what to say. Well I bloody well don't know what to say either. Then others say if you need me just text/call...maybe I want you to just check up on me without prompting.

Yes, True. "Let me know if you need anything." I wanted to say, "Yes, I need my husband." I usually wouldn't even respond to such statements, since the only response I could think of was, "Of course I'm not going to text or call you. I can barely suck air."  

I am sorry for your loss, it is terrible. Devastating. It puts you in a different world. 
 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Michelene said:

"Let me know if you need anything." I wanted to say, "Yes, I need my husband."

This came to mind as I read this...it's a list of responses to people's cliches...we've all gotten them, unfortunately.

http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

What not to say to a griever     So often as well meaning friends, co-workers and loved ones , we don't know what to say to a person who has just experienced a loss so we say nothing at all. We fear saying the wrong thing. Grievers often feel abandoned by friends in the midst of their loss because of this. Although many of the following statements we may recognize that we have said to people, it is important to understand that these statements are often not helpful. Grief is about a broken heart, yet often we speak to people's intellect as opposed to their heart.    Avoid cliches as well as these common platitudes: Time heals all wounds. (Time doesn't heal all wounds, although healing takes time). Try to look for the good in the situation. Be positive. Your loved one is in a better place.  (There is no better place for my loved one than with me). The Lord never gives us more than we can handle. (That is not how I feel right now). Try not to cry. He or she wouldn't want you to cry. I know how you feel. (I think this is the worst thing we can say, because we never really know how someone else feels. Tends to make grievers angry). Everything will be okay. (Believe this for the person and hold on to hope, but tends to feel like you are dismissing someone's grief). Let me know if I can do anything for you. ( Just show up and do something if you want to. Grievers often don't call to ask for help. Encourage them to have a list of chores, errands that need to be done so when people ask, they have something concrete to give them. People do enjoy doing for the grievers and it will give them something to do. Men especially prefer to be action oriented in their grief, so try to give the men something tangible to do). You're still young. (You will meet someone else, have more children,,,) It was God's will. (Many people already feel angry with God and this won't help at this time). It all happened for the best. ( This can feel shockingly painful). You can have other children. (Children can never, ever be replaced). It is time to put this behind you. ( This is spoken to many children and teens by adults. There is no time line to grief. We all grieve in our own way and for as long as we need to. Children regrieve at each developmental stage. Grief really never ends, but it changes. The acute pain dissipates in time, yet on holidays, special days, and other times it can feel just as acute as when the loss first occurred. Alan Wolfelt calls this a  grief burst or others have said we are sometimes "ambushed by grief." You have your whole life ahead of you. (Many grievers don't even know if they can or want to go on another hour in this pain, so pointing out they have a whole life to live without their loved one is not helpful at all). At least he or she is out of pain. (Well I am not). Be strong. (We are telling people not to cry and to hold in their feelings). Something good will come of this. (It probably will and even if it doesn, most people would trade the good that came from it for the person they lost in a moment). You can always remarry. (People are not replaceable). There are other fish in the sea. (That was not a fish, but a person and I don't want another one, I want that one). You can get a new dog, cat, bird. Don't cry as it will upset your mother/father/sister/brother. (Creates a sense of guilt and a burden of responsibility). He or she had a good life or a long life. (Maybe they did, maybe not but it wasn't long enough for me). Now you are the man/woman of the house. (Heavy burden to place on a child or teen. This has caused much pain in many children and teens. Often the extent of these damaging words are not realized till years later. Often teen girls or boys not only deal with the loss of a parent, but also have to take on many more responsibilities around the house which often leads to feelings of resentment on top of their raw grief. They now need to deal with secondary losses and don't need us to tell them they are adults, when they are not). If you think this is bad, I know a family...... (Please let's not compare, or minimize other's losses).  Let me tell you about my own loss which is similar to yours. (There will be a time for you to share, but not right now. Your role is to listen and stay with the person's loss. When we bring the focus to ourselves, we leave the person in a real way. They want to not feel alone. Grief shared allows the person to feel some relief for a time before they need to gather it all up again and make it into tomorrow). There is a reason for everything. Be Strong She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go. She was so good, God wanted her with Him. You can still have another child. Aren't you over him yet, he has been dead for a while now. She brought this on yourself (heard that often with my mom who smoked and died of lung cancer). At least she lived a long life, many people die young.