I know

[BBB]

I know there are thousands who have lost a spouse out there. Some young, some old, some for a very short time together and some for over 50 years. People who tell others to keep moving on one day at a time, have one thing in common, I believe. That is, they want to continue on. What if your significant other passes and you just don't want to go on by yourself? 

[KayC]

I'm not sure I understand your question.  Are you asking for yourself?  Because you want to find someone else or because you are suicidal?  I'm not sure what you are getting at...can you be more specific, please.

[Missy1]

I totally understand this line of thinking. It’s very normal, that does not make it a less difficult. I quit taking about it, if I get the calling, my life becomes unmanageable I will check out. Sorry it’s grim to some, to me it’s how I cope. I know I have that choice. I hate every day without him but I find reasons to live each day. Maybe someday those reasons will dry up. We spent most of our waking hours loving our spouse, there is no one to care for or to take care of us. It’s so difficult to be part of the world now.

 

[BBB]

That's the hard part, trying to find a reason each day. It goes beyond that though, I get severe panic attacks, I feel lost and maybe some of that was that I was too dependent on her. I feel that we had a very healthy relationship and we were extremely close. Now, I think we were close but maybe it wasn't the most healthy relationship if I am no longer able to or I no longer want to function without her. There is such a huge, gigantic hole internally that it's beyond painful, beyond description. I find myself breaking down, crying numerous times during the day. She gave me purpose.

 

[Missy1]

I know, I to was  tied into my husband, we were in constant contact even when I was at work. I missed him every minute we were apart. We tracked each other on our phones to see if the other one okay. We texted all during the day. Love is like an obsession. I am lost and want nothing more than to have my old life back. I feel like I am falling down a deep dark hole sometimes. I try to be grateful for what remains of our life, but that is getting more difficult as it erodes. I got a lay off notice, I may lose everything that we built together. I try to believe  that our own lives must have a purpose and hope I can start finding things that will become important again. Talking to people about what has happened and how you’re feeling can help. This is a great place to do that, no judgement here.

[BBB]

Missy - First, thank you for communicating with me. I know exactly what you are talking about. My wife and I did the exact same thing, texted to each other throughout the day, call when we could. We were tied to the hip. Talking or texting just gave me a piece of mind that is hard for me to explain. All was just right with the world. I too want my old life back. Just being in the same city and area is difficult because I pass by places we would go to or restaurants we would eat at and it makes me somber. Other places, like vacation spots that we can frequent I can never imagine going back to because it would be too painful. I do think that overall I was too dependent on her and I always believed that I would be the first to go. This is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to go through and it's not even close.

 

[Missy1]

@BBB I get anxiety attacks and tears roll down my face when I am forced to go to a place we frequently went together, even the grocery store makes me miss him by my side. The pain and agony of those like us that “go on” can never be understood by others. They don’t understand that we dont want a “new normal”. They dont know what its like to see yourself as a shell of who you were and now someone you don’t know or like. They dont realize “I have no interest in playing “the game” of life all over again. No they do NOT get it WE ARE LOST FOREVER.

[BBB]

You are right, you are exactly right. Everyone around you expects you to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. When in reality, I don't want to start over, I don't want to go down that road again. 100% right in that no one really understands fully, unless they've gone through it themselves. I get people all the time, family, friends, whomever that are trying to be 'helpful' and I know that they care for me and give me suggestions with best intentions but they just don't get it. You know, here's the thing, they are trying to fix a problem that cannot be fixed. At the end of the day, that is really the bottom line.

 

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, BBB said:

I feel that we had a very healthy relationship and we were extremely close. Now, I think we were close but maybe it wasn't the most healthy relationship if I am no longer able to or I no longer want to function without her.

It does NOT mean you didn't have a healthy relationship because you feel you cannot function without her!  You are GRIEVING heavily, a tremendous loss, as all of us have/are and it can be a huge adjustment before we reach the point where we feel we can function on our own.  It took me a few years.  You are not abnormal, you are grieving.  

You are so right about your family/friends, they want to fix us but can't.  It's as much about them as us, they are uncomfortable with our grief.  Some act like it's contagious and they don't want to catch it!  They are reminded of their own mortality.  They realize if we can lose our partner, they can lose theirs!  They just want everything back to "normal."  Well duh, wouldn't we all!  But that's not an option for us!  

I'm glad we have this place where there are others that "get it."  Where we can speak our minds/hearts and know we're heard.  Sometimes it just helps to know our grief is validated.