Almost 4 yrs

[JustMe840]

Hello, it's been 3 yrs. since I've posted on here. I've been on alot, just reading though. In 2 months my Bill will have been gone for 4 years. FOUR YEARS!!! I honestly never thought I'd survive. I'm not sure how I did....because there's no choice really I guess. I have to say I keep myself so busy I don't have time to think too much...until lately. Nov. 5, 2019 I had to put my mom in a nursing home. The biggest shame of my life but I'm only one person and I had absolutely no other plausible solution. That still doesn't make me feel any better about it. Anyway, I went every day after work and sat with her until after dinner, came home, ate if I felt like it, showered and went to bed. Go to work, repeat. Then this wonderful Covid crap. What a freaking disaster. I have not been allowed to visit her for 3 1/2 months!! I get it, but, people with dementia do not understand.  I call her every day and I drop things off for her that she likes/needs. But she thinks I won't make time to come see her and she's really ticked off that I won't come and bring her home. She tells me she'll  be good, she'll stay in her room and not bother me (as if she would EVER bother me), it's absolutely heartbreaking. So, without her to distract me, I've had too much time to think. And I realize I don't give a crap about much. Not cleaning, shopping, paying bills, nothing. Don't make phone calls I should, for example, I've been paying $230.00 for Aflac that I no longer need for the last 6 months because I don't want to make a phone call or go to the website and cancel it. . I know it's completely ridiculous. And, no, I don't have money to waste like that, but i just can't make myself care.I went back on antidepressants thinking it would help, but, it hasn't.  In general, I thought I was doing ok. I force myself to go places and do things even when I don't want to. For the most part I have a nice time but I STILL always wish Bill were there too. I don't imagine that will ever change. I miss him every single day. The days when it hurt to breathe are now moments instead of all day, so that's an improvement. I feel this is as good as it's going to get for me. I'm ok with that for the most part. Just have to force myself to pay the damn bills that I can't have come out automatically. This is so not where I was going with this when I started, but, it's what's been on my mind so I'll leave it. Thanks for listening. 

[KayC]

@JustMe840  I am so sorry you are going through this with your mom in such a time as this.  I am thankful my journey with my mom's stage IV Dementia was a few years ago, so passed away in August 2014, it doesn't seem possible it has been that long she has been gone.  I am very thankful she is not going through this as she wouldn't understand.  She had reached the point she couldn't use a phone and I lived two hours away from her dementia care facility, I was still working when she was placed there and I too hated that she had to go there but I am just one person and had to work/commute and wouldn't be able to watch her 24/7 with no help.  As it turned out, she seemed happy there and adjusted better than I ever thought possible, we were very lucky with that.  I'd go visit her after work which was hard in the winter with snow and a two hour drive ahead of me, rush hour traffic made it take a long time to get there, and my poor dog (who has since passed away) spent too much time in his pen with me being gone such long hours.  I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  And now you're not able to see your mom and I can only imagine how hard that is for you and that you're doing this alone with your husband gone, that is hard too, mine has been gone 15 years ago Father's Day so I know what that's like.

I know we can't change anything but we can listen and care and I want you to know we are here for you whenever you feel like venting or just pouring out your feelings.  I wish it was more.    (((hugs)))