Lost my soulmate yesterday to an overdose

[Zrl]

I lost my soulmate yesterday. We stopped drugs together one month ago, and yesterday he od on heroin one hour after I got him on the phone to make sure he was ok. He promised me he was good. I feel so guilty now and incredibly alone. The only thing I want atm is to meet him wherever he is 

i feel so lost I can’t even describe the pain I feel like I can’t get through this. He was my soulmate, my angel, the light in my life, my best friend, and now I have nothing left 

I can’t do it

[KayC]

@Zrl  To say I am sorry sounds too trite, but I am, I'm sorry anyone goes through this.  Yesterday...so recent, it's a wonder you can even think, I was in such shock and a grief fog when my husband suddenly died, that was 15 years ago on Father's day.

No need to describe the pain, we all know it well, I hate that anyone else has to go through this. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

I wrote this article five years ago of the things I've found helpful and hope something in it helps you if not now, perhaps on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Zrl]

Every breath is a torture I’ve been laying there for hours crying I feel so lost I don’t want to live any more minutes or seconds without him 

[KayC]

Try not to think about the future, right now it's enough just to breathe.  Do call a Suicide hotline (highlighted above) if you feel that need though!  You'll get through this!

[Zrl]

I’m not in the US right now so I can’t call. I can’t feel anything but pain. I haven’t be able to do anything for the last 2 days, I just grabbed my phone talked a bit with his family, watching photos and reading conversations again an again. And finding this website I don’t know how. I just want to say how much I hurt to someone who can understand. All my mind all my thoughts are non stop pain. I wish this is a nightmare and I’m about to wake up

[Zrl]

I had sort of panic attacks I can’t breathe I feel like I’m dying this is so unreal I can’t believe this is happening to us 

 

im sorry I’m writing all of that here I have no one to talk about that with, I feel like my friends are complete strangers now. I feel so lost and lonely. I think I’m having another panic attack 

I’ll take meds to sleep and I’ll pray with all my heart to never wake up

[Missy1]

I am sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain. You have so much to deal with. Losing your soulmate in complicated circumstances is so difficult , I have survived by slowly just breathing and trying to see the light. We fight each day, no choice. Keep going and lean on people, take up everyone’s offer to help you. Text and communicate with those who are safe and close. Stay away from toxic people and for me, I pray every day. I talk to him and cry and try to process what has happened. Stay strong, read other’s threads and post when you feel like you need to vent. We are all suffering but all in this together. 

[KayC]

Thank you, @Missy1  I knew you'd understand.

@Zrl  I hope you'll see a doctor for the anxiety.  I have GAD (lifelong) but grief brings on anxiety in a whole new way for those who've never suffered it.  Panic attacks are very real and scary, it necessitates getting help.

Is there any way you can come back home to family for a while if not permanently?

[Zrl]

We stopped drugs together in April. Today I went to a rehab center and they said you’re 7 times more likely to od after a month of sobriety, and I feel even more guilty now because if we didn’t stop together he probably would be here still. Everyone say it will be better with time but I don’t think so, I feel like I won’t be able to smile again. I always said he was stronger than me in this process, I was the weak one, always tempted, always close from the edge, I would have been the one who had od. This is so unfair.

 

[KayC]

There is nothing about loss/death/grief that is fair.  Life/death happens as it does with little input from us!  I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you everything will be okay, but you and I both know that life is altered now.  You WILL, however, be able to get through this...just keep coming here and expressing yourself, and continue getting help.  (((hugs)))

[Lwolf]

hey there,

 My partner passed on of a heroin over dose in Jan 2020, and my ex of 12 years also passed on from an SB600 overdose.  The first time I lost someone to an overdose I said I would never surivive this a second time, then I did. I am 5 months in and all I can say is take it one day at a Time. Get a body pillow or stuffed animal to hang onto, for night time that helps. If you ever need to talk message me. No one else will get it unless they have gone through it too. I am so sorry nothing worse that losing a partner. My man Quinn, relapsed after tearing his knee in an accident and struggling with chronic pain.  I took my eyes off him for 2 days and his running mates got to him and gave him a poisoned batch that killed him instantly. He died a week before I was planning to take him to an aywaska ibogaine ceremony and program for sobriety. The guilt is so hard, I feel for you. The first five six months are like sleep walking, and feeling half here and half there, but it does eventually ease up.

 

Much love to you,

Lea

[KayC]

Lea, thank you for sharing your experience.  I am sorry you went through this not once, but twice.  I am sorry you feel guilt, you are not responsible.  I hope you will read these articles as guilt is a common grief feeling.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[Zrl]

It’s been a month now. It’s not easier. I’m just surviving. I can’t eat or smile anymore I can barely breathe. Each day has just been pain and panic attacks. People are getting worried because I lost a lot of weight. I feel like slowly dying. I feel like this huge void inside my chest is getting bigger and bigger. 

[foreverhis]

On 6/22/2020 at 1:33 PM, Zrl said:

I feel so guilty now

Welcome.  I'm very sorry you find yourself here, but you have come to a good place.  It's the worst thing in the world to lose the love of your life.  Unfortunately, there's no easy way through this grief, but you are not alone.  We will walk with you, each on our own unique journey, but on the same unwelcome road.  We are a group of people who have lost our essential soulmates.  We understand in ways that others cannot.

I too have a lot of guilt that I wasn't able to save my love from his cancer.  While it's different, of course, the guilt we all feel partly stems from being the ones left here.  We have to blame someone, we have look for a different outcome, and most of the time we find it easiest to look in the mirror and point a finger at ourselves.  Yes, I do blame the medical community, his doctors for not taking his change in symptoms seriously sooner, the little delays that added up, even my love a tiny bit for being stubborn about a few tests.  But mostly I blame myself for not fighting harder for him, for not saving him from the pain and ultimately fear.  I blame myself for every time he looked at me and apologized for "getting so sick."  That he would think for a moment I thought it was his fault made me feel horrible.  I even gave him a mantra "None of this is my fault" he had to say every time he felt that way.  And as much as I know I am not all powerful, it doesn't always matter.

Your loss and grief are so new, so raw, and so painful that it's not surprising you feel the way you do.  I can honestly say that I've been there.  I've been in the place where I really didn't want to wake up the next day, when I wasn't sure I could breathe because even that was painful.  Grief affects every cell of our bodies and every bit of our hearts and minds.  It won't help, at least not yet, but you need to know that what you are feeling, thinking, and doing is entirely normal, expected even, right now.  I am further down the long, twisting, often confusing road.  I miss my love every bit as much as I did that first morning alone, but the edges of my grief are a little softer now. I have started to let in bits of light and hope.  It has happened so gradually over my second year that I couldn't even say when or how.  I say these things not to tell/encourage/ask you to "feel better" because nothing anyone says or does can do that, but to give you a little encouragement that for most of us, our grief evolves over time.  I am learning to carry my grief as part of my life, rather than all of it.  That's all most of us can do.

Give yourself time.  Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace, regardless of what others or society think about it.  This is your journey.  Ask yourself what you would say to a friend if she was in your place.  Would you blame her or would you comfort her knowing that she had done what she could?  Would you offer her support and kindness?  Please, try to do the same for yourself.

What I'm going to say now is not intended to hurt or to cast blame on your love.  From what you have written, I do not believe you are in any way to blame.  You were both working toward being in a better place.  We cannot know why your love did what he did, why he relapsed.  When you talked to him, he might have been embarrassed to admit it or was feeling as if he'd let you down.  But the bottom line is that he, a grown man, made a choice.  Of course you and the other people in his life (and we) wish he hadn't, but his choice was not your fault.  It's so very clear how much you love him that I don't doubt you would have moved heaven and earth to save him, had you known.  But we are not all powerful and we cannot control the actions of others, not even the people we love the most.

Please come here often to talk, to rant, to question, and for any reason or none at all.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Zrl said:

It’s been a month now. It’s not easier.

No, it can take years to process their death, one month in is still extremely raw and fresh grief.  It's hard to imagine going years, that's why I try to just do today, I figure I can do that, I can't handle "years" looming before me, today is enough.

Weight loss/gain is common in grief. We had a recent discussion about this in one of our threads here.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/physical-reactions-to-loss.html
https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/

[Zrl]

Panic attacks again and again, crying, feeling like dying, everyday, everyday is the same, nothing changed. I want this to end. I’m exhausted. I pushed my limits over and over again but I can’t do it anymore 

[KayC]

I'm sorry!  Read here (although t I would NOT call it a "stage"):

https://www.nextavenue.org/anxiety-stage-grief/
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

[genericusernameiamtootired]

Hi Zrl - I came to this website looking for help after a similar loss. I met my boyfriend/best friend/soul mate about a year and a half ago and never felt a connection like that to anyone in the world. We got sober together and then relapsed together and got sober again. He had 6 months clean and had been doing so well, he was becoming a better man and I was in awe and inspired by him. Out of nowhere he relapsed and died. I feel so many of the feelings you've described. He was my heart and soul and I hate that I still have to be here on earth without him. I feel angry at everyone in my life even though they are showing me so much love and support because THEY ARE NOT HIM. He is the love of my life and somehow it will be the 1 month of his passing in a few days. I refuse to accept it and I know that's not helping me but I don't understand how it could be true. I want him to come back so badly. I cry all the time. I relapsed for a few days and I didn't die and then just felt worse. I am lost and afraid and have never felt so hopeless. It's almost worse now that more time has passed, the pain has changed now and is deeper and heavier and I have flashbacks all the time to the night it happened. So on top of the loss there is trauma as well. I want to go to inpatient treatment somewhere but I have no insurance or money and every time I've asked for help I've been turned away. I'm sorry I'm not offering up any wisdom or advice, I wish I could, but I wanted to let you know your story helped me because it feels like no one understands, like really truly understands. I've been cut in half and the half that's left is too weak to function. I just fake it now, sometimes I'll smile for real but most of the time I just act like I'm ok because it's what it seems like everyone wants to see. 2 years ago I lost my childhood best friend to an overdose and it almost killed me but I had no idea how much worse it could get. I want to make sense of it but I can't, it's impossible, I hope one day I'll be ok but I know I will never be the same again.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I hope you will keep coming here and reading, it's a safe place to vent.  You say you're angry, that's normal in early grief.  We want to be here for you.

You are right, we are never the same again.  You will always love and miss him but eventually the pain will begin to lessen as you begin to adjust and cope, it takes much time to process this though, we're in for a long journey.

I hope you will print the tips article I posted above...it helped me so much to learn to take one day at a time, because to look any further than that invited anxiety and mine was over the top as it was.  Sending you hugs...

[Zrl]

On 8/2/2020 at 11:25 PM, genericusernameiamtootired said:

Hi Zrl - I came to this website looking for help after a similar loss. I met my boyfriend/best friend/soul mate about a year and a half ago and never felt a connection like that to anyone in the world. We got sober together and then relapsed together and got sober again. He had 6 months clean and had been doing so well, he was becoming a better man and I was in awe and inspired by him. Out of nowhere he relapsed and died. I feel so many of the feelings you've described. He was my heart and soul and I hate that I still have to be here on earth without him. I feel angry at everyone in my life even though they are showing me so much love and support because THEY ARE NOT HIM. He is the love of my life and somehow it will be the 1 month of his passing in a few days. I refuse to accept it and I know that's not helping me but I don't understand how it could be true. I want him to come back so badly. I cry all the time. I relapsed for a few days and I didn't die and then just felt worse. I am lost and afraid and have never felt so hopeless. It's almost worse now that more time has passed, the pain has changed now and is deeper and heavier and I have flashbacks all the time to the night it happened. So on top of the loss there is trauma as well. I want to go to inpatient treatment somewhere but I have no insurance or money and every time I've asked for help I've been turned away. I'm sorry I'm not offering up any wisdom or advice, I wish I could, but I wanted to let you know your story helped me because it feels like no one understands, like really truly understands. I've been cut in half and the half that's left is too weak to function. I just fake it now, sometimes I'll smile for real but most of the time I just act like I'm ok because it's what it seems like everyone wants to see. 2 years ago I lost my childhood best friend to an overdose and it almost killed me but I had no idea how much worse it could get. I want to make sense of it but I can't, it's impossible, I hope one day I'll be ok but I know I will never be the same again.  

Thank you so much for this message. It does help me a lot seeing that someone can truly understand what I’m going through. I can feel each word you’re writing. I feel just the exact same way. Feel free to send me a message (or I can give you my Instagram or something) if you want to talk more about this topic and drugs addiction recovery. I’m still in rehab for now, it keeps me alive, I couldn’t have done it on my own.

[TruLuvisDED]

I’m lying on the floor it’s been one month since I woke up to pee and he want holding me anymore like we asleep earlier. 
i looked on the bathroom counter and my stomach dropped. Foil , white powder. I ran to look for him. Saw his feet other side of bed. Why they **** did I fall asleep before him and stay asleep. Narcan cpr heart machines.  Age 41 I found my person   He loved me 10000% never judged. he took me for my ugly bipolar and held me when the epilepsy started.  Unconditional- 😭 **** fentanyl. He actively sought it out since his accident that is still. Lawsuit.  No dr helped with the pain. My first love of my life. , my girls dad. Age 19-24 we were together. He relapsed after we lost our. First child still birth. I didn’t know signs or anything other than what the tv campaigns teach you about drugs. He got clean. Once my oldest born. It didn’t last. Eventually met to his suicide - I am still broken to this day and blame myself and dates dumb assholes in between and faked who I was to form to other relationships - but never worked out until I met this one. My end of life soul mate to grow old with. Now he’s dead. I don’t know or even want a “tribe” or help. - the ones that turned their backs on me before are now  here to help when the person who picked up my pieces becaue of them,. Is dead ? He never judged them either. His main concern was our love and my well-being **** I miss him.  Maybe it’s my sign , my soul too young to be here I. This lifetime. I want my soulmate back. They were both so similar it was weird.  Now they both left me here after they promised not to. **** this - I don’t want anyone but them.  Maybe My mom - but she’s drying suddenly stage 4 intestinal cancer. She’s the mother Teresa of moms. She has the right touch and words for anyone - true saint being taken from me and this world.  
 

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I read your post and it's so incredibly sad, I feel your pain...I lost my husband, the love of my life, my soulmate and best friend, suddenly, he'd just turned 51, we were supposed to grow old together!  This was not our plan.  Now, nearly 17 years later, I'm growing old, turning 70.  My sister has been there all my life, she's disabled, has dementia, I took care of her, we were in each other's lives every day, each other's sounding boards, she lost her husband of 50 years just 1 1/2 years before...now she's dead, Mar. 28, unexpected, shocking, and I'm left with the mess, unable to pay her bills, getting calls from bill collectors, etc.  Everything feels shocking and unreal.  I am alone...

All I know to tell you is how incredibly sorry I am for your loss.  I welcome you here and hope you will continue to come here to read/post, it helps, it really does.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[MissAlex]

I know how you feel. My husband was supposed to have gotten clean at the same time I did but he kept going back. I stayed clean and he just... couldn't. The night he OD'd, he had told me that he wasn't using, and we'd been making plans to move, and four hours later he was dead. It destroyed me. He was my best friend and in the space of hours all of our tomorrows got taken away. I felt like I wanted to join him but I know that he would want me to live and be happy. I try to keep that in mind when trying to get from one day to the next seems impossible. I hope that you can find some peace and surcease from grief.

[KayC]

Meth takes an average of 7 tries to get off it, don't know about other drugs, but not easy for them.  I've heard that cigarettes, the addiction is even greater.