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To go, or not, to memorial ?


randall

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I lost my mother (85) to leukemia this past week. Grieving, and also undecided about going to the memorial, could use some input. I live a 5 hr drive away so that is one hardship or reason not to go, but my main reasons are the memorial will not be for several weeks and I don't know that I want to deal with all that sadness again and with strangers. My mother was cremated, and let me tell you that is surreal, I am having a hard time with that-- there is NOTHING LEFT OF MY MOTHER except memories of her in my head and some photos; no body, no house, nothing. Just me and my sister as survivors and I absolutely hate my sister and want nothing to do with her once the estate is settled, another reason I do not want to go to the memorial. My sister played all sorts of games with my mother's money, moved my mother twice without discussing it with me, etc. If I go to the memorial, I will not know anybody there except my sister whom I hate and honestly never want to see ever again.

Will I regret not going to the memorial if I do not go?

Alternatively I was thinking of doing something in memory of my mother to celebrate her, right here where i live. I was thinking of feeding everybody at a soup kitchen with a steak dinner, because even in her senior years my mother would break down crying when she would talk about her childhood where as the youngest child of six children her siblings would leave her with no food often, and during the Great Depression leaving my mother hungry, and cold. My mother knew of hunger and being poor.

I feel like 'etiquette' requires I go to her memorial service, but on the other hand there will be no body there, nobody I know, and it is a five hour drive away.

Thoughts?

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Randall,

I think the memorial you mentioned celebrating your mother by feeding the hungry is a Wonderful idea! Brings tears to my eyes! I hope you can make a decision soon and what ever you choose, feel good about it! You are in my prayers.

Kelly

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Randall,

If you've said goodbye to your mother in your own way, then do what your heart tells you to do. That said, if this is a memorial for your mother, then you have more right to be there than anyone else, except for your sister. Who cares if there are strangers there. It's your mother. Ask yourself what your mother would tell you to do in this circumstance.

Should you decide to go, then hold your head up and sit in the front row. If you decide not to go, then have your own private memorial service and feel good about it.

ModKonnie

I lost my mother (85) to leukemia this past week. Grieving, and also undecided about going to the memorial, could use some input. I live a 5 hr drive away so that is one hardship or reason not to go, but my main reasons are the memorial will not be for several weeks and I don't know that I want to deal with all that sadness again and with strangers. My mother was cremated, and let me tell you that is surreal, I am having a hard time with that-- there is NOTHING LEFT OF MY MOTHER except memories of her in my head and some photos; no body, no house, nothing. Just me and my sister as survivors and I absolutely hate my sister and want nothing to do with her once the estate is settled, another reason I do not want to go to the memorial. My sister played all sorts of games with my mother's money, moved my mother twice without discussing it with me, etc. If I go to the memorial, I will not know anybody there except my sister whom I hate and honestly never want to see ever again.

Will I regret not going to the memorial if I do not go?

Alternatively I was thinking of doing something in memory of my mother to celebrate her, right here where i live. I was thinking of feeding everybody at a soup kitchen with a steak dinner, because even in her senior years my mother would break down crying when she would talk about her childhood where as the youngest child of six children her siblings would leave her with no food often, and during the Great Depression leaving my mother hungry, and cold. My mother knew of hunger and being poor.

I feel like 'etiquette' requires I go to her memorial service, but on the other hand there will be no body there, nobody I know, and it is a five hour drive away.

Thoughts?

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<br />Randall,<br />If you've said goodbye to your mother in your own way, then do what your heart tells you to do. That said, if this is a memorial for your mother, then you have more right to be there than anyone else, except for your sister. Who cares if there are strangers there. It's your mother. Ask yourself what your mother would tell you to do in this circumstance. <br />Should you decide to go, then hold your head up and sit in the front row. If you decide not to go, then have your own private memorial service and feel good about it. <br />ModKonnie<br /><br /><br /><br />
<br /><br /><br />

Thanks. It is a tough decision, very tough. I likely will end up going. But I have a very hard time with highway driving long distances-- this is five hours each way, but it is my mother's memorial. On one hand I want to honor my mother's memorial, on the other hand I am dealing with grief and am thinking do I want to reopen all the feelings all over again at a memorial just when I am finding some closure? My mother wanted a memorial, wanted me there, but she is completely gone now, ashes.

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I think you will make the right decision for you. If you go, you may run into someone who knew your mother and can offer you some words about her past that you may find comforting, even though you may not know them personally. And this may also help with another sense of closure. Wishing you some peace with your decision (either way you decide).

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dizzydancingway

From my experience, the best healing comes from opening up the pain and really facing it...and I hate to say it, but the pain comes back again and again...for me, as soon as I feel its closed, something washes over me and I'm back where I began. Though so far I feel stronger each time.

I don't thinknyou should feel pressured to do anything for anyone except yourself. This is about your healing and you can honor your momma and sah goodbye to her any way that works. Whether you go or not, she's in your heart and she will understand your decision. But if you do go, you won't be alone...she will be there with you.

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