Just over 1 1/2 years

[AnnamarieL]

This is my first post on any type of forum, I am at my wits end on how to push through anymore.  For 1 1/2 years I have pushed and pushed, I get up every day and do something, go to work, go out, smile and be happy.  I am 56 and my husband died.  I am strong.....no sense dwelling on this horrible pain it will not bring my husband back, right?  I try to date, try to stay the course, try to move forward...………….but how does a person who was married for 27 years do this?  I have watched (and cared for at the same time) my husband and my parents die. 

I am so lost.  I see a therapist and try to talk to my friends but what for nobody can say anything to fix this.  Along with this I have all this baggage so I am wholly damaged and broken in so many ways.

There is so much...…………...pain.

 

[Missy1]

Hi, this is a great place, kind compassionate people who try to help each other and can understand what your going through. I was with my husband almost 30 years, married 26 years. I am going on 20 weeks.  I don’t think there is a fix, we keep going and try to find the light again every day.

Everyone has their way that will help them heal. I would encourage you to read threads and post as you need a sounding board. 
sorry you are struggling so much, this is something so horrific that our brains are forever changed. Life will never be the same and sometimes we don’t want to move at all, we are stuck and are waiting for our day. Welcome and you will see more posts and really nice people who know a lot more than I. 

[KayC]

@AnnamarieL  Welcome here...we are all traversing this together, and it does help to express what you are feeling.  It's hard to do with family/friends that don't get it, and they can't get it if they haven't been through it themselves.  Also, even if they have been through it, their understanding of your situation might not be the same as yours because our love and thus loss is unique to us.  Some are in blasé marriages, most of us here considered our spouse our soul mate and best friend and our loss is tremendous.  There is no right or wrong way to go about this, only our way...with the added caution of alcohol not being a helper.

When we first have a loss of this magnitude, we are in shock without a roadmap.  We have no idea how to absorb this, let alone how to proceed.  It seems to be trial and error as we desperately grasp for anything that can help us!  I'm glad you're seeing a counselor, I hope it's helping...my first was awful, seriously.  But I found a website owned and operated by a grief counselor with a degree in Thanatology and knowing her over the years has helped me tremendously.  Her countless articles and recommendations, wise advice, it was a lifesaver. 

Friday it will be 15 years since I lost my husband.  I didn't see how I could survive a week...somehow I'm still here...and still learning.

Missy, you are right, there is no "fix," if there was, we surely would have stumbled upon it by now...but there is honing our coping skills and adjusting, little by little.  This is not something we're in for the short term, but rather the long haul.

I wrote this article about five years ago of many of the things I've found helpful over the years, I hope some of them speak to you perhaps now, perhaps on down the road.  We're here to listen and care.  I never want anyone to feel they're alone in this...that's how I felt in the beginning, how most of us have felt at some time or another.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[AnnamarieL]

I am so grateful to both of you for responding!  I will try to continue to visit this site on a regular basis and continue to push forward.  I have reached out to my therapist.  I told him I think I need someone more specialized for my childhood traumas which are surfacing in the wake of the loss of my husband.  I am trying to hold onto hope, that there is a plan for me, that maybe, just maybe, I will find love again.........or not..........if not, then I hope that my path will present itself.  

In the meantime, I admit I am deep in the pit of despair and self-loathing.  The voices that say you are damaged, broken and no one will love you again are very loud.

One day, one minute, one second at a time...........

 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, AnnamarieL said:

will try to continue to visit this site on a regular basis and continue to push forward.

Welcome. I'm sorry you are going through the grief journey.  Please do come here to read, to talk, to question, to rant if you want to. We don't judge, we don't give platitudes; we talk to each other with the understanding that our grief is unique to each of us, but we are walking the same path together.

Now, if I may offer one bit of unasked for advice?  Please don't make yourself "push forward."  IMO (and mine only), that isn't fully healthy in the long run.  Allow your grief and your world to unfold gently and with time.  I am very nearly at 2 years and realize I'm still very early in my grief process.  Sometimes it seems like yesterday that I came home alone to a house that was suddenly empty and cold.  Other days, it seems as if it's been forever since I told him "I love you so much" and held him one last time.

I have found it very helpful to focus on the here and now, the present, when possible and not look too far down the road because that is still scary and so painful.  The other thing that sometimes helps me is to remember that only we who have experienced a deep connection in love understand how it feels, how it shatters us, when we lose it.  NO ONE can really get it unless and until it happens to them.  And many people never will understand because they were not lucky enough to find that kind of love with a soulmate.

Some days it's still all I can do to just get out of bed, get dressed, and walk down the stairs.  I say "Good morning, love." and talk to him about the day or ask him to help me make decisions.  It's not that I can't make them or that I'm some kind of ninny.  I wasn't a ninny at 23 when I met him either.  It's that we made decisions together for 35 years.  Suddenly I didn't have his wise counsel, calming words, or quick and clever mind to count on as I had for nearly all of my grown up life.

Please just let yourself "be" as you go along and do not feel like grief is a sprint.  It's not.  It's a slow and winding marathon.  Just because it's uncomfortable for society to deal with our grief and just because people don't want to be reminded that "this could happen" to them, doesn't mean we must fit into their narrow construct of "this is grief." We do not owe it to anyone to be or do or feel any particular way just because it's easier for them.  It's not their loss or their grief.  You decide for you what's right and when.

((hugs))

 

[KayC]

True, only way through this is straight through it, no way to circumvent it or I would have surely found it by now.  As for those voices, tell them to go back where they came from!  Learn to be kind to yourself, patient and gentle and understanding as you would to a friend...you ARE your own best friend now!  Sending you thoughts of peace and healing...this is a long journey, it takes what it takes.

[AnnamarieL]

Again, thank you all for the kind, supportive words.  There are so many emotions bouncing all over in my head.......all I want to do is sleep........that is when I do not hear them.

Counting the minutes until I can see my therapist.........in the meantime, I am gonna lick my wounds........I think I am allowed right now.

 

[KayC]

Yes, if ever in your life you're allowed, this would be it.  (((hugs)))