Hello

[Bill426]

I lost my wife on the fifth due to complications with her COPD she was in the hospital in icu Unit she Went Into Cardiac arrest They did e.g. she Had no brain activity I couldn’t let her live that way so I had to let her go hardest decision I’ve ever made it still hurts I miss her so much but it was the right decision she wouldn’t want to live that way so I told herThat I love her and that I would see her one day again right now I’m really hurt inside I miss her

 

 

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[MODArtemis2019]

Hi Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. You have been through a terrible trauma—first your wife's illness, then having to make a decision on her behalf, and finally losing her. I'm glad you had the chance to say goodbye.  

When you say, "I'm really hurt inside," it brings me to tears because of the simple truth and pain in your words. I know the feeling well. 

I hope you have friends or family to support you IRL. But whether you do or not, people here will understand and support you. Because we have all been through it.  

[Bill426]

Hi Bill, I am so sorry for your loss. You have been through a terrible trauma—first your wife's illness, then having to make a decision on her behalf, and finally losing her. I'm glad you had the chance to say goodbye.  
When you say, "I'm really hurt inside," it brings me to tears because of the simple truth and pain in your words. I know the feeling well. 
I hope you have friends or family to support you IRL. But whether you do or not, people here will understand and support you. Because we have all been through it.  

Thank you



Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

[jwahlquist]

I am sorry for your loss.  I am sorry you had to make that decision too.  I had to make the same decision for my husband in February.   It was so terribly hard but I also knew that he wouldn’t have wanted to live that way.  He was always so full of life.  Even knowing his wishes, I have felt guilty for making the decision.  It’s not the rational part but rather the grieving part of me that says what if you would have waited.    This place has been a welcome refuge for me.   Everyone here understands what it is to lose a spouse or partner.   

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  You can add to your post that you've started here, we'll check it to see if there is any thing more (when we come on line here the ones with new activity are bold and show a gold asterisk instead of a blue one).  

I wrote this article of the things I'd found helpful over the years and hope you find something of help too, both now and later on down the road, as our grief journey is ever evolving.  When my husband passed I was out of my mind with grief and didn't know where to start, I'm sure you're feeling about like that now too.  Any questions or just comments, feel free to address them here, we're all going through this together..

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Missy1]

Sorry for your loss, it’s devastating to have to make that ultimate decision. But really there was no decision you knew that would not be an existence, hooked up to machines, I had to make the same decision. It’s all very surreal and leaves you in a statement of shock and trauma. We have to walk out of there without our love, to face a hell-ish existence, a dark void is all we have left. Each day is excruciating and requires so much effort. I hope you stick around and read our threads, you will learn that we are all suffering and try to cope with this pain each.